Unfortunately, I’m not very close to that side of the family – communication with my father and his parents has been sporadic, and I hadn’t talked to my stepmother in several years before she called to give me the news. For a variety of reasons – many emotional, a few pragmatic (I can’t really spare the $450 or so it’ll cost to get there, not to mention a room) – I’m not interested in attending the funeral.
I feel kind of bad about that, but honestly, that’s my response.
What sort of stuff can I do as an estranged member of the family? I’m about to call my grandmother and my father. I’ll tell them that I love them, and support them however I can. But what’s appropriate behavior from a family member who can’t attend the funeral? A card seems minimal, flowers appropriate, but what else?
Any advice would be appreciated. I’m okay – I feel sad, of course, but I’m not collapsing in grief. I’d just like to handle my family as well as possible.
Second the letter, and of course the phone call, with a bit of “if there’s anything I can do…” to it. A small charitable contribution is a nice gesture if there’s an appropriate charity (one supported by your grandfather, or one possibly related to what he died of, that sort of thing). But a letter is far more personal and indicates a lot more effort on your part than just the card you send with flowers.
Is your family Jewish? I mean, will they be sitting shivah? If so, you could try to find a bakery/deli near where they are and see if they’ll deliver a platter of some sort. I don’t know if this sort of gesture would be equally appreciated in families that aren’t Jewish.
The previous advice seems good to me. Flowers definately, and the letter.
If I may (and I certainly don’t want to intrude), I’d like to urge you to reconsider going to the funeral. I made this mistake when my grandfather died. I could not afford the time off or the cost of travel. So I did not go. I have regretted it ever since. As you say, not falling down with grief or anything, just sort of a last chance to pay respects to a man who loved me very much.
And no letter or phone call can replace a simple hug.
I reached my grandmother and the rest of the family by phone. As it turns out, my grandfather had decided that he didn’t want a funeral. (Although, pervert, I had been ready to go if she’d said she wanted me to come.) The only memorial gathering was this afternoon, when the in-town family gathered together at my grandmother’s place.
I’ll send flowers and a letter, call again later in the week, and check into a good time to visit within the next couple of months.