Alright, Nickelodeon senior execs, listen the fuck up. I’ve watched your channel since I was a kid, and now my kids are carrying on the tradition. Your preschool lineup is colorful, fun, and educational, and my three year old (the Bubster) loves watching “his” shows with mommy and talking about all sorts of exciting things. Bubster has learned Spanish and Mandarin Chinese from your programs. He’s developed som mad skillz in the realm of dancing and beatboxing. He even learned, just a few minutes ago, that skidooing into the television is just not possible even though Joe and Blue do it all the time. So where, you may be asking yourselves, is the problem?
My son is smart. Super fucking intelligent. And I’m not just saying it because he’s my kid; it’s absolutely true. He understands what a commercial is, and that his shows will be back in just a few minutes if he just waits patiently. Hell, he even realizes that you show commercials for his shows, so that Mommy (that’s me) will know when they are coming on. So why in the holy fucking assballs would you create filler out of a show that does not exist? That’s a nasty fucking trick to play on Bubster, seeing as how he is a big fan of your programming.
What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? I should just calm down and take a deep breath and security could you get in here, we have a situation… NO!! Sit the hell down, shut he fuck up, and pay attention! Most of the time, Nick Jr. shows end about five or ten minutes before the time slot is over, so you decide to add in some filler. Most of the time, it’s a song from one of the main shows, or a little clip that amounts to basically an overlong commercial. I’m fine wit those; while repetetive, they’re mostly harmless.
No, my problem is with the BIRDS. Those cute, cuddly little balls of yellow fucking sweetness that light up Bubsters eyes whenever they come on the screen. “Birds, Mommy!” he shouts, “The Birds show is on! I want to watch Birds!” But you see, Mister Nickelodeon (Dick)Head Honcho, my Bbster can’t watch the Birds. Because it’s not a real fucking show! It’s filler, and ONLY iller, seemingly invented out of nowhere to poison my child’s happiness. Oh, but yo bastards are slick. “Fine,” I thought to myself, I’ll tell him it’s a commercial." Too bad my kid is so smart and knows that commercial = the show will eventually come on, if he is patient long enough.
It’s piss-poor judgement on your part if you decide to make something a kid would love, and then only tease them with it. What kind of lazy-assed marketing strategy is that?! Get your shit together, and either make Birds a real show that my son can watch, or replace the filler bullshit with something else. Otherwise, I might have to come down to your office and show you the neat new use I thought up for Bubster’s new Moono figure.
