Ok, let’s make it clear… I’m not homophobic, music-o-phobic or any other-o-phobic… I’m just eltonjohn-o-phobic.
For some reason the guy just really pisses me off every single time I see him on TV, hear one of his songs, or read anything about him. I don’t hate the guy or wish him harm or anything, I just find him fucking annoying. Now I like to think I’m a balanced, tolerant, normal guy, and I don’t want you thinking I go around attacking middle-aged celebrities willy-nilly, but if I hear candle-in-the-fucking-wind once more, I think I’m going to emigrate!
I’ve taken the trouble of compiling a list of reasons why he makes me want to hack off my head with a rusty knife every time I see him. Feel free to add your own reasons, question mine, or simply call me an asshole.
During a court case a while back it was disclosed that he spent £200,000 in one year on flowers. FLOWERS!
He has sewed fake hair into his scalp. Go bald gracefully for fuck’s sake, or at least choose a decent hairstyle. Jeez, the choice of any hair style in the world and he chooses the “mom’s pudding bowl” look.
He whines on about how we should relax our animal quarantine laws so he doesn’t have to be apart from his beloved dog for a few weeks. Oh, well ok then, let’s open up the country to rabies so the fake-haired one doesn’t miss his pooch. Here’s another idea… DON’T TAKE THE FUCKING THING OUT OF THE COUNTRY WITH YOU! He’s probably going to hold us to ransom on this point, and threaten to re-release candle in the wind if we don’t change the law.
Every one of his songs since 1979 is shit.
He dresses up in a huge bloody dress with fake tits at any opportunity.
That post office advert where he goes on about shopping on the Internet.
Let’s drive him into the sea!
Or off a cliff or something.
I know you’re probably all thinking I’m obsessed and should just ignore him, but it’s not as if I go around looking for articles or TV shows on him, he just seems to always be there. I really need to stop reading The Sun and pretending it’s just for the sport pages.
Finally, I run a humour website where I rant on about anything and everything, and worryingly, I find an increasingly disproportionate amount of my ranting time is spent attacking Sir Elton. Quick, can someone please suggest a different annoying celebrity for me to pick on? I don’t want to seem unfair or anything. I didn’t even realise I was doing it until I got hate mail from some of his fans. I did get a good laugh out of the mail saying how I was being unfair to the guy who’d “revolutionised the music industry with his vision” though! That must have been with his “Stan” duet with Eminen then?
Incidentally, I was in Calgary last year… great place. While I was up the Calgary tower I was asked to do an interview about what it was like living in Calgary by some Japanese students. You would have thought the accent would have thrown them, but no, it still took me 20 minutes to explain to them I was from a different country and didn’t have any views on the “Flames”.
We’re supposed to listen to the rant of an asshole (you said to call you one) who can’t even keep a consistent theme going in a list of only 8 items? You stated that you were going to list “reasons”, yet items 7 and 8 are not reasons for anything, but options that you wish to pursue. I’m surprised that someone whose attention span cannot stay on topic long enough to compile a coherent short list of 8 items was even able to remember who he was ranting about by the end of his post.
Item #4. While I’ll agree that much of his work during the 80s and 90s stank. His latest release Songs From the West Coast is terrific.
Item #5. To each his own. Why do you fear drag?
Care to share some humour with us? So far we haven’t seen any.
Sounds like a personal problem. Might I recommend you quit stalking the man. Just because he rejected you doesn’t mean he is a bad person.
Oops, looks like I touched a nerve there homebrew. I didn’t mean any disrespect to any of his fans.
I don’t fear drag, on the contrary, each to their own as you say. I was just whining about when it took up two pages of the paper after one of his shows.
Finally, I said the humour was on the site, not here. Don’t take it too seriously, I just fancied a rant in the pit.
He plays the piano well, sings nice, and writes songs. For a pop star that puts him high on the talent scale. And his wigs are sort of a joke. Pity you don’t get it, pinhead.
I’m not disputing any of that, he does indeed do all those things (I won’t get into an argument about how good his songs are, as that’s all down to taste).
Humour is also down to taste. Maybe I’m not the only one not getting it?
Nah, I didn’t cry at Diana’s funeral, I actually had to work through it. Don’t get me wrong, however, I was upset about it like everyone else.
Anyway, I just want to say again I haven’t meant to offend anyone with this thread, so sorry if I have.
I could have babbled on with conception stuff like “What is taste, exactly?” at this point but I think I’ll spare you all. I seem to have pissed enough people off today!
You know, it seems to me you’re living your life like a candle in the wind. You know, never knowing who to cling to - when the rain sets in, and all? I mean, I know I would have liked to have known you, but I’m still just a kid. I mean, really - don’t you think your candle burned out…
I wasn’t truly offended, Racer1. This being the Pit, you needed at least one flame against the OP. Only sycophants had responded, so I supplied the necessary flame.
No, no, please! continue the sweet refrain. ::sparks lighter:: I mean Marilyn, she, so much, an American icon, but people exploited her, no one knew her… ::
I love this song.
…long before, your legend ever di-ih-ih-id.
Next you’re gonna start singing some Whitney Houston and reeaally get the waterworks going. Please don’t; after all, I’m just a man.
Gi-hi-hi-ve me-he one moment in time… ::voice cracks::
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