Email Rail

Dear Mr. Chief Executive of Insurance Company,

This afternoon I spent 45 minutes on the telephone, at my cost, speaking to a lady called Raquel in General Enquiries. Now, Raquel did promise to call me back but, as luck would have it, something more important must have come up to grab the collective attention of your Administrative Department. I say this because my hand has been poised expectantly over the telephone but the instrument has not rung.

On no account must you admonish Raquel, who really was very helpful. It’s not her fault that she has been so badly let down by the ashes of the remains of the debacle which purports to call itself your Email Service.

These are the points I was anxious to resolve with her:

  1. I sent an email to you on 18/09/02 (Email 01: copy attached). Following receipt of your Autoresponse (Email02), I waited. I did not receive a response within 5 days so I sent another email (Email03) which provoked another Autoresponse (Email04). I followed this up with a phone call which produced a letter (Letter01) answering my queries in full.

A minor oversight then. No harm done.

My policy renewal date looms large on the horizon so I then made further enquiries of a different nature which I put to you also by email (Email05) which attracted the now familiar Autoresponse (Email06).

I note that Autoresponse (Email06) excludes the statement We will provide you with a full response within 5 working days which featured prominently in Email02 and Email04. Personally I think this is a wise move on your part because you can’t even give a full response within 10 working days, witness the lack of same to Email05. I found myself reading out a transcript of Email05 to a patient Raquel on the telephone in order to communicate my queries to you.

This is not how the email system is designed to work. If you can provide an Autoresponse then, obviously, that’s a good start. A step in the right direction, so to speak. However, what you really need now you’ve got Autoresponse ‘up and running’ is somebody to actually read the emails you are Autoresponding to. If that person can then pass the email to somebody who can answer the queries raised by the email you will be pretty close to having a workable system. All that’s needed then is for somebody to send a reply to the originator of the email, a reply which preferably contains a few answers, and I’d say you were on a winner.

Please find out how to integrate email responses into your current administrative procedures and then let me know when it is safe to use them.

  1. I am still anxious to resolve the matters I raise in Email05. These are now 2 weeks more urgent than they were when I originally raised them.
    Many thanks,

Nostradamus
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Sent using the dubiously efficient service offered by the Royal Mail.

Dear Sir or Madam:

We are in receipt of your letter dated 18 October, 2002, which we have forwarded to our Customer Service department in Kathmandu.

Ordinarily, one of our representatives would review your inquiry within five days and inform you of our findings. Unfortunately, His Majesty’s appointee to our office there, Gopal Dahit, is in remission of service due to the fact that an elephant stepped on his ear. We are presently petitioning the king to make a new appointment, and we expect an audience with him before spring.

Meanwhile, please accept our invitiation to contact your local office directly in order to avoid delay in satisfying your requirements. We are pleased to inform you that we now have an automated e-mail service that is designed to offer you the quickest response possible.

For your convenience, instructions on using our e-mail service are enclosed. You will need a personal computer with an Internet connection.

We grealy value your business, and appreciate your allowing us to be of service to you. Do not hesitate to contact our office if we may be of assistance in any way.

Yours truly,

H. Edward Horshitte
Chief Executive Officer

Dear Mr. Horshitte:

You really stepped in it this time! I waited for weeks for you to reply to my friendly questions sent via your webpage. Thankfully, you’ve disabled the prompt autoresponse to that form of communication. I decided today to avail myself of your Customer Service line. I’ve just spent a delightful half of a day waiting for your customer service department to answer the phone. I especially appreciate the friendly voice that chirps to me every thirty seconds, “For faster service, please fix it your own damn self.”

I guess the constantly ringing phone must have awakened someone, for Someone answered the phone. (Had I know of Mr. Dahit’s troubles, I would have passed along my condolences.) In response to my query, Someone told me part number 409, was really part number 109, and I could find what I sought on your webpage. Although, Someone did admit that the webpage does not inform one that part 409 really is part 109. I asked why no one responded to my e-mail, Someone informed me that the e-mail was only for products on the webpage, and 109 was on the webpage. I must admit that I am still stunned by Someone’s logic.

Sincerely,

D. Customer

Dear Mr. Horshitte (sic),

As you know, my local office is now in Hyderabad and the occupant does not answer my ‘premium rate’ telephone calls.

While I enjoy listening to sitar music occasionally, as long as the tune is instrumentally satisfying, I don’t really want to pay £1 per minute for the privilege. Unless it’s really, really good music.

Perhaps your ‘Customer Service’ Director (Gloucestershire & The Sub-Continent) could be prevailed upon to expedite the matter by abjectly prostrating himself in front of the King and keeping elephants away from his employees during working hours.

Thank you.

Dear Sir or Madam

We are in receipt of your second letter dated 18 October, 2002.

We have forwarded your suggestion to our New Delhi office, which handles corporate operations. Someone from there will contact you by telephone within five days. For your convenience, we have enclosed a handy reference of common Hindi phrases.

Thank you again for your business. We value you as a customer!

Sincerely,

H. Edward Horshitte
Chief Executive Officer

Readability: 9
Amusement: 9
Nastiness: 3
Thought: 9

I give this an overall R.A.N.T. rating of: 30