I like to cover my ass in salt and hang around, pantsless, in petting zoos.
You know what Atlas did, with the weight of the world pressing down on his shoulders, his blood running over his chest for his efforts and the world continuing to bear down without concern for his efforts? He shrugged.
Well, certainly, there are a few things so embarrassing that, if I can’t admit them in real life, I definitely ain’t gonna admit them here. Keeping with the scatological theme, though:
About 6 years ago, when I was still in college, I had to be on campus very early in the morning. I needed to catch a bus, and the stop for the one I needed was about 1/2 mile away, so I had to walk (I didn’t own a car). So, here I am, walking along at 6:30 a.m., and I have to shit. Badly. There are no woods or anything; it’s all residential.
Squeezing with all my will, I finally complete my walk, and get to a part of town with some stores. The only thing open is a convenience store. I go in and ask the clerk if there is a bathroom, and she says there isn’t. I ask if I can please use the employee bathroom, it’s an emergency, and she says no. Desperate (it’s only a matter of seconds now), I run out the door, look around, and see a retirement apartment complex next door. I run around to the back, unzip my pants, squat right next to their loading dock, and let it rip. And it was huge. I imagine someone was very surprised when the milk truck showed up that day.
“I love God! He’s so deliciously evil!” - Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
Back again. Umm… uh-oh. Looks like I stepped in it big time.
Ok {sigh}. Yes, I did proposition my sister when I was thirteen. No, it never went any farther than that. Yes, when I hit puberty I went from being so prudish that I wouldn’t take off my underwear in the boys locker room to having burning unrequited lust for my two sisters. No, I don’t have that hangup anymore. It was a phase I went through, but it’s still painfully humiliating to recall. Your understanding and support has been exceptional.
So no one cares that I make noises to myself?
Lumpy, you go with your bad self!
That must have been a difficult admission to make - I applaud your courage in coming back here to defend yourself!
::clap clap clap::
I have never been on a date, nor have I kissed a girl. I might seem young to most of you at seventeen, but most of my friends seem to have had success in these areas. I guess my standards are just too high… either that or I’m just a coward.
MrThinSkin;
There’s so much spew on my monitor I think I may have to just trade it in. Ahhh, I’m still laughing.
OK, my turn…
My ex-husband and I used to talk really dirty to each other in bed.
I, too, like to pop zits.
Don’t get me wrong–I love life. I’m just finding it harder and harder to keep myself amused.
I hate my boogers so much I punish them. I also do this to tartar and those little flakes of crud that collects on your eyelids (well, not your eyelids). Usually, this is just squishing them a lot and maybe cutting them up in my fingernails, but sometimes it’s more elaborate. It’s most elaborate when you stick said bit of crud to a match, and light it. Tartar does not burn; boogers don’t burn, they just blacken and glow a little bit; eyelid crud generally sort of boils and disappears.
Even though these things don’t burn, the satisfaction of vengeance is still there. You think you’re gonna just get flicked off and live a happy retirement stuck to the wall right underneath the switchplate? Wrong! You sat in my nose and bugged me for like three hours and now you’re gonna suffer for it. Burn, booger, burn! And as soon as I find my dental floss you’re little tartar friends are gonna join you! Ha ha! Sittin there between my incisors all smug. “Oooh ooh, aren’t we cool, we can’t get cleaned off by a toothbrush. Noo, we’re soo much better than plaque. We’re like mouth concrete - the elite of the dental pathologies.” Yeah man, I may not be able to get all of you, but somebody’s gonna get broken off, and he ain’t goin down the sink. Uh uh. I’m gonna stick him on the wick of a candle and light up. Cry all you want.
Suffer!
Oh, all right! All right! I confess! I also can’t poop in a public restroom unless it’s empty! And if anyone does show up while I’m busy, I wait until they’re gone! And I pee in the shower. And I shave my toes! There. I said it. Oh, yeah, I pick my nose too, but I have an excuse, because my left nostril is pierced, and having crud build up on the ring is just nasty.
I wasn’t going to own up to any of this, but if Lumpy had the courage to confess to his excess of brotherly affection, then this is the least I could do.
Modest? You bet I’m modest! I am the queen of modesty!
Lumpy, thanks for your reaction. That sure took a lot of courage to admit. I want you to know, although I am not happy with the thought, I won’t hold it against you. Although some people thought I might…
You can see my defense in this matter listed in the Pit.
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
Okay this is gonna sound weird; I am embarassed to use public mens rooms to urinate b/c whenever anyone else comes in to pee, they always seem to pee a lot longer and louder than I do. So I feel like I have a smaller bladder or else I pee too often to really store up anything noteworthy. In other words, for those of you worried about making too much noise, you’ve just met someone who doesn’t think he makes enough.
I don’t like using public toilets but living in a dorm hall every toilet is a public toilet so I don’t have much of a choice.
“I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.”
–Wayne Knight
Coldfire, you rock.
Continuing with the toilet theme, I think I do something that most people don’t. I’ve read long descriptions of wiping techniques. The part that I want to hear never comes up. So I conclude that it’s not done much. For #2, I prepare a small landing pad. That way it does not splash so much. I never plug up toilets-plenty of flushing-because I’m usually the one unplugging them anyway.
You guys are the biggest bunch of weirdos I’ve ever come in contact with.
“I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”-- Calvin and Hobbes
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I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
I put paper in the bowl first if the toilet has a low waterline. I don’t really like having to wipe up skid marks after.
>^,^<
“Cluemobile? You’ve got a pickup…”
OpalCat’s site: http://opalcat.com
The Teeming Millions Homepage: fathom.org/teemingmillions
Canthearya said:
“Coldfire, you rock”
Thanks my dear 
FYI, my (hopefully) final defence in the case “Canthearya vs. Coldfire regarding the Lumpy Situation” can be read in a Pit near you, as of now.
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
The first time I took E, I forgot how to piss. I tried, like, five times, but I couldn’t do it. I was drinking at the time, so of course I would feel like I needed to, but I’d sit on the toilet & nothing happened. I was so afraid that I would never remember how to pee & MY BLADDER WOULD EXPLODE & I WOULD DIE. (This line of reasoning made a lot of sense to me at the time.)
Happily for me, I remembered how to pee (with a vengeance!) the next morning when the drugs (except the acid) had worn off.
Actually, it could be that you are able to open the floodgates and let it out, instead of trickling for two minutes like some people seem to do.
OK, I…
•Check the toilet after I poop,
•Pee in the shower while it’s warming up,
•Check the TP to make sure I don’t leave skidmarks in my underwear (even though, somehow, sometimes, they make it in there anyway)
•Pick my nose… BUT:
Do you eat your boogers? Huh? How many of you are MAN (or woman) enough to eat them? Chew on them, fill the space in you molars with them? Hah! Y’all are nuthin’ but a buncha sissies!
Re: Lumpy, Hey, we all do stupid things as teenagers. I brought the board GuanYu, and I’m not done with puberty yet. Who knows, I might do something as stupid as, oh, I dunno, maybe I’ll try and flirt with jazzmine, and ask her to meet me in a tub of Jell-o. Well…
Nah. That’ll NEVER happen.
SanibelMan – The Man From Sanibel
“I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.”
– George Carlin
Sanibel,
You are too cute. You are far too young for me, but you are always the gentleman and, even if it’s cliché to say so, stay that way. Even if the girls don’t appreciate you in High School they are sure going to later on.
You’re a great kid, from what I can see, and you do your parents proud!
trisha