So I get to work today only to be confronted with IT. More loathsome than one thousand pus-filled slugs, more dreaded than a battery-acid enema, more useless than a condom machine in a nunneryâ€”the annual employee self-evaluation. So now I get to waste at least a couple hours of my already over-filled schedule justifying my position at the company by answering questions like:
â€œList quantitative and qualitative standards or performance objectives that apply to this position for the evaluation period and indicate to what extent they were achieved.â€
â€œWhere do you feel you stand, overall, in the areas of Attendance, Dependability, Personal Organization, Initiative, and Problem-Solving?â€
â€œHow many blowjobs are you willing to perform on the decrepit CEO in order to maintain your current position?â€
Ok, so I made that last one up. Too bad, because it would be easier than filling out this ridiculous 6 pages of essay-style questions that have little if any relevance to my daily duties. Gahhhberdikkenfookerhawkers! I hate this shit!!!
Here’s an idea—Just note that I’m fully competent and insult me with another piddly $0.10 raise just like you do every fucking year and let’s save everyone the trouble involved with this farce, okie dokie?