Tinks (not her real name) and I have been best friends for about 10 years. I’m in my mid-40’s, she’s a few years older. We met at the barn where we keep our horses and have been through marriage, divorce, death, job changes, moves, etc. We talk a few times a week, see each other on the weekends (at the barn) and e-mail each other every day. We go on a yearly vacation to Kentucky. But for the last year, I’ve been feeling that the friendship may have run its course. It’s been a pretty intense year for the both of us–she nursed her dying mother and I separated and divorced. She’s in therapy now, I “graduated” from my therapist. It seems that since she’s been in therapy, she has gotten extremely self-absorbed, which I guess is natural. But can one just end a friendship? I don’t know if I want it to end, but I really don’t want it to continue like it is, basically with her ignoring everything I have to say. I have the feeling that if I tell her this, the friendship is over. But maybe this is just a rocky patch for us and things will get back to where they used to. Has this happened to anyone else or am I destined to have a life without a best friend?
I think that if she’s really your best friend, she’ll be able to deal with you telling her that the friendship has seemed one-sided. But I don’t think it’s time to divorce her yet. The therapy thing may be exactly what’s wrong with you guys. Give her a chance to mend her ways before you break up. I think it would be difficult to just end it. You’ll probably end up watching it peter out.
I don’t really see the point of “breaking up” with a friend – it’s not like anybody gets any benefit from declaring a friendship officially over (as opposed to a dating relationship, where you both might want to be free to see other people). If things are fading, let them fade, but there’s no earthly reason to have a Big Talk about it, which is undoubtedly going to result in bruised feelings and accomplish nothing.
This is such a hard issue because we don’t have a “break up” process for friendship. I had to go through it with a very controlling, toxic friend, and it was the weirdest thing ever. Creepy weird. But I had to do it because I had to get away from her fast.
Ask yourself this: if it wasn’t for her being self-absorbed, would you still want her as a friend? If so, then I think it’s worth having a gentle talk about your perceived shift of her focus. Maybe it will wake her up and get her back on track. If not, well, there is your out. Otherwise, I’d suggest just letting things fade, as has already been advised.
Imho, you end relationships, or break up with SOs.
You have a ten year investment with this friend. I think friendships have sort of an ebb anf flow. Sometimes you’re closer than other times in the friendship. This is one of those times, for a variety of reason, when you’ve two have drifted apart.
Fast forward 10 years. Maybe you two will talk about this time time with a different persective, along with some close and good times too.
You never need to end a friendship, unless there is some sort of wrong doing the other person.
I’ve had one friend that I’ve know for nearly 30 years. I haven’t talked with him for at least five years, and last exchange was not pleasant. I still count him as a friend, and I hope he considers me the same. He and I will get together again one day, and I will do everything I can to make it a good experience. Despite misunderstandings he was a very significant person in my life.
Don’t be too final too soon.
I’ve had one friend for 26 years. (I’m 35). Another for 15 years, and my best friend and I have been tight for 11 years. With each of these friendships, especially the 26 -ear one, we go through periods of not being terribly close. Several times I’ve thought the friendship had run its course, when things turned around.
Look at it this way: You aren’t the same person you were 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. This may mean the friendship has run its course. Or, as has been my experience, the friendship needs to grounded in something different. In that 26-year friendship, we were childhood buddies at first. My buddy got into girls while I became a juvenile delinquent. We were best friends in name only in high school. In college, we found we liked the same type of music. After college, we developed into complete opposites. But we both love baseball. That ties us together. Also, the sheer number of adventures we’ve had together has made for a bond.
Well, I ended a friendship not too long ago. It was a bit over a year. Not much in the big perspective, but quite a bit when it’s 1/18 of your life. She was my best friend throughout my Senior year of HS. When I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back, she’s the one I talked to. When I couldn’t make it here at college, she’s the one who would listen.
I was hurting her.
I’m not doing so well here at college, and she was the only person I knew (outside of the boards) enough to confide in. I confided (confed) too much. She (apparently) worried about me a lot. Her boyfriend told her he wished I’d leave her alone, because she worried about me so much. She told me this. I realized he was right. I didn’t talk to her anymore after that.
I was always the one who initiated the conversations, so really not much changed from her end. One less little box to pop up on her screen.
We’ve talked not very much since then, and she doesn’t seem to be too upset about everything.
Which is not to say that I’m not.
She won’t be replaced.
People go through phases like that. Friends see them through. You may find this hard to believe, but you could have gone through a self-absorbed phase and your friend just waited it out.
Your friend probably isn’t even aware of your feelings.I think it is time for you two to have a serious discussion about this.You are taking a chance of the situation getting extremely out of control to the point talking will not be an alternative.If you have a problem addressing the problem print out what has been said from this thread. Let the print out work as a bandaid and you both will heal.
Good luck ,
Beverly