This is the end, my friend. (Long and pissy)

The BBQ Pit
1

I have been best friends with a girl for the past 6 years. Last night we got into a huge argument that basically stemmed from the fact that I never call her. I have just about fucking had it with her.

I have spent the last 6 years supporting her stupid ass in anything she wanted to do. I took her places, introduced her to people, and listened to her problems. I also put up with her condescending attitude when I wanted to discuss my problems and my life.

On Halloween, I found out something potentially devastating about a friend. (Let’s just say that it was a potential threat to his health.) I was very upset, but I didn’t act out on it. I got kind of quiet. When she asked me what was wrong, I told her it was no big deal, that I just found out something that I was worried about, and that I couldn’t talk about it.
Her response? “Get over it.”

And now the rant:
Yup, I’m gettin’ over it. I’m getting over the fact that I have wasted the past six years of my life thinking you were my friend.

I have spent the past 4 months listening to you talk about your divorce. Nothing else. Oh, wait, you did talk about how guys you weren’t even supposed to be seeing dissed you. I have news for you, honey. You’re not divorced yet. Yes, I understand that you can have feelings for other people. Yes, I understand that you can’t help who you have feelings for. But you aren’t supposed to be seeing people right now. You are barely legally separated, and you’re worried about getting “dissed” by guys that you aren’t supposed to be seeing! Never mind the fact that you got 'involved" with my brother, never mind the fact that you’ve just been giving your phone number out like a single, horny college girl. It doesn’t matter, right, because you’re going to be divorced as of September 1, 2002?

Grow the fuck up. I am tired of trying to be your cheerleader, I am tired of trying to explain to you how the real world works. If you had bothered to take the time to really get to know this guy before you married him, you probably wouldn’t be in this mess right now. But you only bother to think about what’s happening right at this moment.

Also, it’s getting kind of sad that whenever I suggest to you that you talk too much about this divorce, you tell me that that’s the only thing that you have going on in your life, and that you’re sorry that events in your life are affecting mine. Bullshit. You talk about this divorce because you have nothing better to do. You used to be fun to hang out with, albeit in small doses, because you talked about things and you had passion. But now, you just complain about how you’re lonely and you’re upset, and you think you may get back with him. Honey, being with him is what made you lonely in the first place! You’ve told me a thousand times!

And as far as you criticising me for being in love with my SO:
Yup, I’ve thought about wedding dresses. Yup, I think I’ve found one that may be the one. Nope. There’s no ring on my finger yet.
But, if you will notice, I have been with the SO off and on for 9 years. NINE FUCKING YEARS. How long were you with the soon to be ex? Oh, wait. That’ s right. Almost a year.
Yes, we have been talking about getting married. Yes, we have even gone as far as to imagine what it will be like to be a married couple. And yes, I want to marry this guy with all of my heart. Just because you are a bitter person right now does NOT give you the right to tell me I am WRONG to think about these things. As far as I’m concerned, you can take your opinions about love and marriage and shove them as far up your ass as you can. There were a thousand and one times that I saw you with your ex and thought, you know, she really treats him like shit. And you know what? I WAS RIGHT! Maybe this is why your ex started not to give a shit of what you did. Did you ever think of that?

You’re nothing but a little child who jumped into “being a grownup” way too soon. You thought you could hack the real world because you were “punk” and you “lived on your own since you were 16”. Well, I have news for you honey. In the real world, it takes a lot more than eating ramen noodles and hanging out on the street to be a grownup. You constantly went out while you and the ex were together, you had a child that you weren’t ready to have, and you don’t bother to think more than 20 minutes into the future. Being married and having a child does not equal being a grownup. So, fuck off, sweetheart; have a nice life. Someday maybe you’ll see what I mean.

I just got off the phone with her, as soon as I finished typing. She wants me to come by her apartment and pick up all of my stuff. And I am so tired of fighting with her and then having to say “oh, sorry, I was being a bitch” when I know damn good and well that she started the argument. I think this may finally be the end. I am just tired of walking on eggshells, tired of being the cheerleader, tired of being the fall guy. I want to be friends with someone who isn’t a dishrag, that just hangs there for all the world to wipe their dirty hands on. I did my best to try to help this girl through all of her problems, to help her to get counselling, and to make a better life for her and her son. But if she won’t at least listen to my advice, I’m not going to be her damn soundboard any more. I don’t know why I wrote this rant, to get it off my chest, or to seek opinions on whether or not I’m right to get out of this. Or maybe to solicit witty, educated invectives to hurl at her when I go over there tonight. In any case, any responses will be appreciated.

2

Just get your stuff and go. Be polite. Then don’t talk to her anymore. If she’s such the drama queen, no point in giving her new material to work with.

Next time, don’t be someone’s doormat for half a decade. You don’t owe that to anyone. Of course you’re right to get out of it.

3

Thanks, Mighty. I appreciate it.

I think the only reason I’m soliciting advice is because I feel like I’ve actually worked on this friendship, and I’ve paid for it, but I’m pissed that I’ve invested so much time in something that has gone nowhere.

Arrgh.

4

Thank you, Skerri. I used to date a girl like this, so I now try to get other people to stop helping out Professional Whiners. They do need other people to be effective, you know, and the other person’s role is almost as pitiable as theirs.

Think about this friendship in economic terms. All those years are a sunk cost, so you can’t get them back. The question is not whether or not you can make up those losses, but whether you allow yourself to have more of them.

5

All personal interchanges involve some amount of emotional energy transfer. Some conversations energize us; some drag us down; some are a wash. If a person constantly robs you of energy with every interchange it leaves you drained and is very unhealthy. You are quite correct in getting out of the draining situation. This energy leach will find another source soon enough. Heck she’s already been through you and her husband (and other “boy friends”.)

6

I bet I’m punker than she is.

7

Sometimes, you just gotta cut your losses. Sorry it had to happen, though.

8

Thanks, to all of you…

Spritle, you are so right about the energy thing. I feel like I’m being dragged down, even if we’re doing something I want to do.

Black, I dunno. She goes to extreme lengths to prove her punkness. She’s even got the punk-rawk points.

Tranquilis, I appreciate the sympathy. It sucks, and I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and accept it, I guess.

Oh, and a small update. She called me back shortly after I had decided to write the whole thing off. She called to apologize, and I told her it could be the beginning of a beautiful acquaintance, but not the friendship it used to be. I definitely do not want to be sucked into the vortex that is her life again.

9

Makes the solution to the current problem simplicity itself, it seems to me. As far as time and energy invested, yup, that kind of thing’s aggravating. Still, on average, people nowadays will invest 70-odd years of time and energy into a variety of things, and all end up the same.

That’s honestly not meant to be as morbid as it probably looks to many folks. I find that a wider perspective helps with such things, that’s all.

Best of luck in letting it go.

10

Skerri, that’s so freaky. I ditched a friend just like yours in September. Except mine was whinging about her broken engagement after she rushed into getting engaged to a man she’d only been dating for 6 weeks.

The final straws for me came mid September. When I first heard about the September 11 events, I was so distressed and uptight and afraid that I ran to my mother’s house for company. Knowing that friend would be trying to call me (she called every single day, at least twice) and would freak out if she couldn’t reach me, I rang her phone and left a message to say that I was at my mothers. She rings me there and says “What’s wrong??”, and I said “You haven’t heard what’s happening in America?”, and she says “Oh, is that all? I thought someone must have died”.

O…k…

So I reply “Yeah, well at the moment they’re estimating that 10,000 have died” and she says “I heard it was 100,000”. I said “It makes you think… all our problems seem so petty compared to this”, and she replies “I don’t know… I have some pretty bad problems”

I think at that moment, whatever it was that kept me hanging around apologising for taking her meanness and bitchyness the “wrong way”, died. Her problems were so much worse than the deaths of “100,000” people. Yeah. Her problems, like the breaking up of her engagement, that she rushed into within two weeks of telling me “I’m only three years younger than you so I figure if you’re old enough to be engaged, I’m old enough to be engaged”. Her problems, like the fact that she didn’t have a job because she quit her job when she broke up with her fiance, and then left an insulting message on the screen of her computer so she ruined any chance of a reference from her former boss. Her problems, like she (against my advice) decided to move back to her childhood hometown the day she broke up with her fiance, and once she got there she remembered that she hated it but couldn’t afford to leave.

Everyone is telling me I’m so much more relaxed now she’s not around. I feel better than I have in years. My health has improved dramatically and I’m finally sleeping properly. I have free time, because I’m not stuck on the phone to her for hours every day. I can go shopping without someone organising a search party because I’m not answering my phone. It’s incredible - she lived 100 miles away, and she was keeping me a prisoner in my own home, because she made such a fuss if I didn’t answer the phone (“Are you ok??? I’ve been trying to ring for hours! I rang your Mum, she didn’t know where you were, I rang your mobile…” (15 missed calls showing) “… I rang your SO, no one knew where you were. Where were you???” “Errr… I was shopping…” “Oh God! I thought something was wrong!”. Alternatively, it would be emails.

TO: Cazzle
FROM: Friend
9.00am

Good morning!!

TO: Cazzle
FROM: Friend
9.10am

Hello?

TO: Cazzle
FROM: Friend
9.12am

Are you there?

TO: Cazzle
FROM: Friend
9.20am

Are these getting through?
Please answer!

TO: Cazzle
FROM: Friend
9:30am

Aren’t you talking to me?
Have I done something wrong?

11

Having argued many, many times with a certain friend of mine, the best advice that I can give you is to give it some thought, and if you still feel that you would be happier without her, then leave. You’ll feel a lot better, and you’ll be able to go out and get some friends that appreciate you, rather than someone that takes advantage of your friendship. Just figure out what situation would make you the happiest, and go with it. Good luck!

12

Update…
She and I went out for beers last night, to talk over this problem and hopefully get it through her head. I basically sat there and told her point blank that if she didn’t get off her ass to change things about her life, then I had no choice but to not be friends with her.

All in all, we had fun, and only got to “discuss” the problem for about 30 minutes before friends of ours arrived. But there’s still this nagging thing inside of me that says “Run AWAY!” So, I’m going to have to.

I appreciate all the advice. I guess I knew that this was how it was going to end, but I just needed to know that someone else thought it, too.

I want to remain friendly with her, but I can’t be the sole confidant any more. If she wants to spew all her problems on other people, fine, just leave me out of it.
(Just hoping that this isn’t a bad idea, also.)

13

I sympathise. I’ve known for a long time that I was going to have to pull the plug on my friend, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We did have fun times together, and whenever I got really mad with her, she’d fall into line and be wonderful for a while. But it never lasted, and I’d end up getting frustrated with her again. Now I’ve decided to break the cycle but cutting her off all together. I was fooling myself to think that she would really change, especially when we’ve been going through this every six months for the last five years.

A friend doesn’t alienate your other friends because she thinks you’re getting too close to them. A friend doesn’t stab you in the back, and then claim she did it out of concern for you. A friend doesn’t steal in front of you, or from you. A friend doesn’t dump all her problems on you, and then tell you to get over it when you tell her your problems. A friend doesn’t ask you for advice and then not listen to anything you say. A friend doesn’t compete with everyone else you care about. A friend doesn’t lie to you or about you. A friend wants what’s best for you not what’s best for her. A friend doesn’t scoff at your plans and tell you you’ll never stick to them. A friend doesn’t walk into your house and offer to help you repaint - when you’ve just finished repainting. A friend gets excited for you when you have good news and doesn’t demand to know why she wasn’t informed or consulted earlier.

But most of all - a true friend doesn’t inspire a rant in the Pit.