Massive vent

The BBQ Pit
1

OK, so tonight, after having performed in Romeo and Juliet, and being quite emotionally and physically exhausted, I went out for coffee with some friends, one of whom decided to be a total bitch, and who has been doing so lately. I know that this friendship actually does have some merit (just trust me) and that my scattered emotional and mental state have probably just made me extra sensitive lately, especially tonight, after a very emotional performance experience. Anyway, I got online after getting home, and we started arguing, and she signed off. In a rage, I wrote a rather vicious email, which I have decided not to send, as I think it would cause a lot of damage to an already uneasy relationship, and I know that this conversation will be continued soon, when we’re both calmer. Frankly, I know I’m being over the top here. I’m still freaked out, and need to put this someplace. Names have been changed to protect the bitch, and this other chick she has a crush on. Let’s get on with it.

R,

FUCK YOU!! What the fuck are you? You are nothing. You have no fucking love for anyone, you can’t even manage to be a decent person to those who care about you. You are a fucking nothing. A FUCKING NOTHING. Nobody means shit to you, and sooner or later you won’t mean shit to anybody. Nobody can put up with you twisting the fucking knife forever, fucking power-tripping bitch. Fuck you.

The fucking nerve. I come off of doing something incredibly hard, something powerful and beautiful, and it tears me up, but you can’t pause for a second. You never think that it might hurt to take a howl of pain from a night when I was vomiting on account of the hurt caused by your bullshit games and make it a joke. And then it’s my fault? My fucking fault that I didn’t tell you, at a time when I was emotionally ripped wide open, not to just fucking stab me with the first thing you can grab?

And when that upsets me you’re back to the same shit. It’s my fault, right? I bring out the worst in you. Is there any fucking good in you? Any part of you that might bring comfort to someone hurting, or are you all just power-trips and self-serving emotional bullshit games? I bet you’d fake some sympathy real good for S, because she’s got what you want. You don’t fucking deserve it. You don’t deserve any of it. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS TO ME. I CANNOT HANDLE THIS NOW.

Does any of this fucking hurt? Does anything get through to R, or are you all just fucking impervious armor with your fake fucking smiles and your “What is up, yo” hiding it? Fucking break, R, I hope you fucking break like I have, and I hope you just fucking crumble under that. Fucking crumble, bitch. Fuck you.

This is the most hateful shit I’ve ever written to anyone, and I doubt it will even touch you in any way. But if you value our friendship in any way, it should. It should let you know how you treat your fucking friends, let you see what you fucking do, and it should fucking tear you up. You deserve it. It should tear you up and let you see so fucking clear that you don’t want to show your face, because you know what you fucking are. You fucking hurt me worse than the motherfuckers who held me down with a fucking glove in my mouth to stop the screaming and fucking raped me. You hurt worse, and so I judge you worse. You are lower than that fucking scum, and you should know it.

2

Jesus Christ, what a head trip.

3

So, an update. She continues to be a bitch, and it finally came to a head tonight. She recieved a modified version of that letter tonight, and I have cut ties until she can act like a decent human being, which I’m not imagining is going to happen. Not to me, not any more.

I counted her as my best friend for a long time, and she felt the same about me, but for some reason she decided she was done with our friendship, and I can’t make her change her mind. I wish it was different, but I can’t take the pain she’s been causing any more. I’m done. I hope she feels as though she’s losing something, but I doubt it.

I put up with her for so long because I wanted it to be “just like old times”, but it sure as fuck is not. It hurts like hell to let go of her, but I feel like she’s been squirming to get away for a while now. She would just never have the guts to stand up and do what she’s going to do, no, that would be too simple. In any case, it’s done. I have severed my relationship with my best friend. Not that she’s been any kind of friend lately, but my longstanding best friend. In any case, it hurts a hell of a lot, and I wish I could just hate her for the pain she’s caused and get on with it, but I still wish it could be like it was before. Knowing that it can’t helps very little. It is no kind of relief to have made this decision, and ceased to put up with her crap, no matter how I try to tell myself it should be.

Part of me says that if it hurts this much to let it go, there must have been something good there, something that could be saved, but I don’t believe that either. There used to be something GREAT, that I will cherish in memory for the rest of my life, but that ended a while ago, and this is just me admitting I can’t have it back. Pretending that I have the power here, that this was my decision, is just that: pretending. I am powerless, and that may be what hurts so much. I am powerless to change the way things went, and no decision I can make will have much effect. If I stayed and kept trying, she would continue to hurt me. Now that I’ve declared that I’m done with it, I don’t think anything changes on her end, as much as I wish it would.

I can’t have her as a friend worth having, and I can’t affect her by ceasing to be a friend to her. I’m left alone and unsatisfied. That sucks a whole lot.

4

That sucks, Lucki. Dumping a friend on their ass always hurts, because you feel like you’ve wasted your effort and time and energy. Good for you, for being able to get it out.

I hope that the hurting part stops soon. You deserve friends, not a harpie that brings you down every chance she gets.

Good luck, man.

5

Aw man. I hope someday the two of you can be friends again, but sometime you just have to cut ties.

What part are you playing in R&J?

6

Are you seeking help, Lucky?

7

Yo yo, Lucky, where’s the love?

8

Super Gnat - I really hope we can be friends again someday, but it’s going to require a change in attitude on her part, and I doubt that’s going to happen.

Muffin - Yeah, but it’s not particularly helpful. Plus it takes about 2 weeks to get in to see my therapist anyway, so it’s pretty useless for up-to-the minute shit.

booka - I wish I knew.

LC

9

So, what exactly did she do anyway? That’s some heavy rage there.

10

“Just trust you”? C’mon, nobody trusts anybody on this board (with possibly a few exceptions between certain people here and there)!! Not that that’s important right now…

Anyway, I am having a hard time figuring out why you want to stay friends with her. I mean, you seem to hate her SO much, what can be a possible reason for staying friends with her? I’m not asking to be facetious, I’m just really curious about that point.

11

Lucki, I had the same thing happen with someone I thought was my best friend.
Turns out, she was only friends with me so she could somehow validate her own existence – by proving how much better than me she was. Narcissitic is an understatement describing her personality.

Having someone constantly tell you you’re wrong, and competing with you over everything (literally) is exhausting.

I don’t think that’s how it started…but that’s how it ended. Didn’t talk to her for over two years.

You will be better off with her as a causal friend than a best friend. Don’t talk to her for a while. She’ll think it’s all your fault, of course, but that is actually her problem. Some people just need reality to bite them in the ass

12

Well, I guess I decided that I didn’t want to stay friends with her at this rate, didn’t I? Simply put, I wish I hated her SO much, but I don’t. I still remember a lot of great times with her, but lately she’s begun to do speed, and it’s really changed her. She’s not at all the caring friend that she used to be, but a heartless, twisted bitch who loves to laugh at the pain of others (and if you ever even bring up her speed use with her, LOOK THE FUCK OUT!). I wish we could be friends like we used to be, but I don’t want to be friends with her in her current state. It’s just hard to believe that the person I loved so much has become so different, and I don’t quite know which way to go.

LC