England Retakes the US

This was actually posted on another thread, but it is SO damn funny (and a bit too true) that I feel it deserves it own thread.

The following was written by Freedom2…
International Opinions of the American election


In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories: except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Anthony Blair MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

  2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

  3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

  4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

  5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

  6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

  7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

  8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

  9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

  10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

and the Great Debate in here is…?

At the risk of being rude, please try to avoid posting email spam in GD. Or anywhere else at all, for that matter. But having seen that damned thing seven times in my inbox in the past week, it’s getting really fucking old.

Then again, you may not have realized that this particular bit of fluff is the flavor of the week (it was read on NPR for Allah’s sake!). Not my intention to offend, Marvel.

::humming to self as he cleans his rifle::…

“come out you Black N’Tans…”

“Where are the lads who stood with me when history was made…”

“'Twas down the glen one Easter morn, To a city fair rode I”

and of course…
“Come rain or hail or wind or snow,
I’m not going out to Flanders oh’
there’s fighting in Dublin to be done,
let your sargeants and commanders go
Let English men fight English wars
It’s nearly time they sarted oh’
I saluted the sargeant a very good night
There and then I parted to go…”
(child of a republican family)

And Eire had no 2nd Amendment!

…just trying to keep it in the ol’ GD spirit:)

and to finish
" May the whores of the Empire lay awake in their beds,
and sweat as they count out the sins in their head,
while over in Ireland eight more men lie dead,
kicked down and shot in the back in the head"

Obviously, it’s what should be done to the next person who posts this. I say we hang 'em higher than John Andre.

(BTW, plugging “aluminium” into the search engine turns up at least six copies of this puppy.)

Hey Marvel,

I appreciate the thought. I just tagged it onto a good thread because I knew only flames would follow it in it’s own thread. I saw you credit me in the opening line, and I just groaned:)

I bet you could put it in MPSIMS, anything and everything seems to fit over there.

In case it isn’t obvious by now, I only posted it. I have no idea who the original author is. It came by way of e-mail.

Yeah, but it’s already had two MPSIMS threads, I think.

Before we bury this thread, I reply might be in order.

A Reply to the Revocation of Independence

Move along, nothing to see here…

Well hell, I hadn’t seen it yet. Thanks Marvel.

The rebuttal lacks most of the wit of the original. Guess that’s to be expected.

I agree. I couldn’t stop reading it though. I felt like I was obligated to find some humor in it somewhere. I felt like England won when I finally finished.
Beat by the friggin limeys…:slight_smile:

The English invented a language they cannot speak.

The “rebuttal” is an embarrassment, obviously written by someone who can’t take a joke – or write one, either.

We must repel the soccer-lovers! You can have my basketball when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

I do not say that they cannot come.
They cannot come by sea.