Notice Of Revocation Of US Independence.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(I’m surprised you Brit posters haven’t shared this one yet… of course, I may have missed it.)
To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced ane will take immediate effect:

1.You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”.
Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

2.There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3.You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. Itreally isn’t that hard.

4.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5.You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6.You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football.

You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7.You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”.

8.July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10.Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

2

I’ll post the same response I sent to my English friend when he sent me this e-mail.The American Response:

  1. Don’t make us kick your asses again. You had enough trouble with
    Argentina, for pete’s sake.

  2. “American” football is the greatest sport ever invented. I would think
    it would suit your colonialist British nature, since it involves gaining
    and then holding territory. Unlike soccer,(the proper name for such
    foolishness) at least in American football you don’t have “blokes” lying on
    the ground screaming in agony if someone accidentally touches their shirt.
    In regards to rugby, watch what you say to the defending Olympic rugby
    champion, the United States.

  3. “aluminum” - 4 syllables
    “aluminium”- 5 syllables
    Why use more energy to get the same point across?

  4. It’s interesting that you disparage (one for you to look up) American
    cars,
    but don’t compare them to cars of English manufacture. I wonder why that
    is?

  5. We have fought dearly and with great cost to rid ourselves of English
    food. How many English restaurants do you see in the U.S.? Why do you feel
    the need to boil everything? There is more to life than meat pies.

  6. What on earth is ‘Guy Fawkes Day’? Why do you have a holiday for a man
    that tried to blow up your government?

  7. I won’t even mention World War II. (oops)

  8. You should study vocabulary as well. “Lift” is a verb, not a noun. A
    “torch” is a wooden object set aflame, not a battery-powered light, etc,
    etc.

  9. We are glad that you find our politics so amusing. You’ve been cracking
    us up with that ‘monarchy’ thing for over 200 years.

  10. Have a nice day, and thanks for sending me the mail.

3

Look Here

4

Damn it Jazzmin. I knew it. I’ve got to upgrade my British intelligence sources. I think they spend way too much time at the pub and I get these things way too late.

5

Tough talk from a country that almost got its ass kicked by the Germans twice, and would have had it not been for the US of A.

6

I’ve now been sent this, frankly, shit email a total of nineteen times.

7

I think I have now gotten this particular email more times than the “I Love You” virus.

8

Well, yes, I can see how getting the same email repeatedly could be a trifle annoying… however… you know you’ve lost you sense of humour when you begin to take this entire election recount thing entirely too seriously. As if anything is going to get done over the next 4 years regardless of who winds up getting the blow jobs by interns in the oval office.

9

I got this “official response” forward in e-mail today:
Subject: FW: Reply to: URGENT MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY…

Official US Response to Independence Revocation Notice

To the Governing Bodies of the United Kingdom:

Your notice came as quite a shock to the vast majority of us who did not realize that the United Kingdom was still in existence. The complete lack of any usable culture, products, services, entertainment, or medical advancement coming from Britain was at fault, and we apologize. After a tiresome day spent tracking our enormous wealth and power, it was a bizarre notice indeed.

Your “suggestion” has been considered and I am very sorry to day, denied. As a concession, however, it was universally agreed that you may have Utah. Our reasoning is outlined below.

  1. While we have been unable to decide who will lead our country for 1 week, it seems that the UK has been in that state for many years. It was unclear to us why we would need two leaders permanently in the forms of the Prime Minister and the Queen. Also, we had a problem with Tony Blair personally, as he is so overtly gay.

  2. A bit of research indicated that you are having difficulty keeping your fuel prices below £17 per ounce and your taxes below 95% (What is this “VAT” anyway?), while still maintaining an expensive monarchy. This type of fiscal prudence would not mix well with our aforementioned enormous wealth and power.

  3. Reverting to the English style of speaking would simply be too inefficient. In fact, we are considering teaching an entirely new language to our youth comprised entirely of grunts and hand gestures. Communication is quicker, more efficient, and allows us to continue to lead the planet in accumulating power and wealth. Plus, we don’t sound like pompous asses.

  4. We accept provision 7, the bombing of Quebec and France, as long as you’ll sweep up.

  5. Hollywood actually attempted to cast British actors in heroic roles in the late 80’s, but gave up when they could find none that were more masculine then Liberate.

  6. In reviewing your form of football it became clear that soccer is not a sport, but rather a simple form of cardiovascular exercise. Additionally, when the “games” are completed, the tradition of trying to kill as many opposing fans as possible was deemed unacceptable. On the rare occasion that one of the 300 league teams involved actually scores a goal, the closing of banks and government offices in order to allow more time to discuss the goal was also considered somewhat inefficient. American football will continue to played with vigor. The reason for the padding, by the way, is the ability of our athletes to run fast, jump high, and hit hard. You don’t need padding for a girly slap fight.

In closing, may we just say we were flattered by your overtures, but simply do not see a merger being possible at this time. Perhaps with a little hard work, you can pull yourselves up by your bootstraps, and someday be considered to be in the same league as, say, Micronesia.

10

I’ve seen this on here twice now, and it’s not funny anymore. Glad to see other people thinking likewise.

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**9.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. **

We have considered your proposal, and find it interesting that you do not offer up your own brands of vehicles for sale. Perhaps it is because British cars are undersized, underpowered, under-engineered sardine cans that could not survive a 5-MPH impact with a pile of marshmallows.

While it is true that German cars are perhaps the best engineered vehicles in the world, this is necessitated by the fact that Germans find nothing wrong with driving as fast as humanly possible after consuming beer from liter-sized containers. Plus, like everything else in Europe, German vehicles are grossly overpriced. Most Americans are simply not will to pay $5,000,000,000,000 for a BMW. Plus, there is the fact that American automakers are the world-wide masters of automotive styling, whereas no European vehicle has changed it’s appearance since 1903.

So in summary, Americans like their automobiles just fine, thank you very much. Just look at what’s happening to the new German-controlled Chrysler company. Their sales have been falling faster than the Euro’s value ever since they merged with Daimler.

12

Jesus, man. A joke is fine, but it’s gotta remain credible, at least. Did you ever put a Corvette and a Ferrari 360 Modena side to side, and have a good look?

Enough said.

BTW, you seem awefully defensive over what is essectially a joke, Diceman - FTR, I was laughing out loud at the “soccer” bashing in the American Reply. Krispy could learn something here :smiley:

13

Christ, I was just fooling around. I was using hyperbole. But I think it’s safe to say that european styling is quite stagnant compared to American styling. I’ve been to the annual auto shows. Those European cars always look exactly the same, year after year after year.

BTW: I was attempting to copy the style of Nimue’s response. I loved it :slight_smile:

The Daimler-Chrysler thing was a bit of a rant, but that company really is going downhill fast.