I suspect I’ll enjoy the teen years most. My own Mom was that way.
Thanks so much for your replies, even the challenging ones ;). There’s stuff I can work on in myself, I see it between the lines. Always more to learn
My daughter’s six today. Its been a lot of work for me and Mrs Atlas but she is an absolute joy for us. I’m absolutely certain we are much happier than we were before. Same seems to be true for my three siblings, and two of them have kids with some fairly serious health issues. We have friends (or more like parents of my daughter’s friends). In both cases their whole lives are stressed, and were even before they had kids. Though one of them is a single mother professional whose parents have passed away. She is a super-organized perfectionist. You can’t fire your kid, so she is always stresses out over her lack of control. Kid seems just fine.
Why can’t it be both? Yes, they’re tiring and trying, but gosh, they really can be a LOT of fun.
Happy Birthday to your small one, Atlas. Mine is six as well and she’s brought me more happiness than can be measured. The kid’s an absolute hoot.
I’ve found every age interesting if for no other reason that froma purely developmental-psychology standpoint. It’s fascinating, really, and the more I read and studied about it the more fascinating it was. It’s neat to see a human being grow.
Kids are tolerable from about age 4 to age 11. They become tolerable again around 19 or 20.
– Childfree By Choice
Really? We have three children (14, 13, and 9), and I have never thought of them as my “friends.” I am their father, not their friend.
I agree it’s both.
People with ONE child are having a vastly different experience than I am. Just as people whose children are not neurotypical are having a vastly different experience.
I’m grateful for how it’s worked out in my life - but the situation is different.
I really think different people mean different things when they talk about their friends being their kids. My son is 5 months only, so it’s all pretty academic at this stage, but this issue comes up a lot as a teacher.
I think the difference is that with friends, there is a mutual and reciprocal responsibility for each other, and with children/students, it’s not balanced. If something is going on in my student’s life that is making them unhappy, it’s my business. I’ll share that emotional burden with them. But if I have stuff going on in my life? That’s mine to deal with, not theirs. I am their friend, but they aren’t mine. When done right, they never realize this, they never realize that the relationship is really much more for their benefit.
I suspect that the same thing is true of one’s kids. They shouldn’t know the full slate of adult insecurities and concerns.
Yeah, this. There’s a reason your memories of and relationship with your grandparents or childless aunts and uncles are different from what you had with your parents and aunts and uncles with kids. They have the energy to crawl around in the floor playing monster with you because they weren’t up half the night dealing with stories and drinks of water and bathroom issues and slithery things under the bed. They have a little extra money to buy you that playset you really wanted for your birthday because they don’t have an extra person to feed and clothe day in and day out. And they have the time to really see and hear you because they’re not overrun by the sheer logistics of keeping up with another person’s entire life on top of their own.
It sounds to me like you’re doing fine.
I’m not a parent, but I worked with very difficult children in a children’s home for several years, where you effectively function as a parent on many levels. I enjoyed every minute of it. It was very, very hard, very, very often. I’ve been beaten with an iron bar, I’ve been through days of 50 tantrums, I’ve had times of no sleep and worry about development and psychological problems. Children would hate me, refuse to hug me, hurt me, then love me again. But there was definitely enjoyment for me, enough to easily make up for how hard it was. I’m glad some of the enjoyment came back for you fessie, and it seems like you don’t experience it as “not enjoyable” the whole time.
I suppose “friends” is an odd thing to say of children in certain contexts, but at the same you can experience it that way other contexts. I think of a quiet walk with one of my kids, where we talk about the big questions. Or doing a job side by side, like cooking, painting a wall, mending a bike. Just quietly enjoying each other’s company. It’s not exactly the same as what I would call “friendship”, but there is enjoyment, interest in the other as a person, valuing the other as a person.
I miss them so much. I am very glad I managed to enjoy every minute of it.
To me, its all about balance and the quality of life. I enjoy regular time with my male friends watching hockey games together and general male bonding. I enjoy time with my wife in all sorts of ways. I enjoy every Sunday having my children and grand children over for Sunday dinner. I enjoy the time I spend discussing my clients needs and how I can help them. Yes there are times in each of those situations that can be described as not very pleasant, but they can easily be put behind me. Friends, spouse, children, grandchildren, clients all provide me enjoyment in ways that only they can.
Its taken me decades to appreciate what I have.
Enjoy your friends. Enjoy your kids. Accept that it often appears to be a one way relationship for benefit. Your title suggests that you can’t enjoy your kids. But your post suggests they aren’t fun. You don’t have to have fun in order to enjoy.
Thinking of my kids when they were very young can, if I am not careful, turn into a very sad moment.
Anyone who has adult children knows what I’m talking about.
mmm
Twins are never “easy” and you haven’t had it easy with their father either. Mine are thirteen months apart, so not twins, but about as close as it comes.
You are right about not being their best friend, that isn’t your job. And I don’t think that is what people mean by “enjoy it.” I think people mean that the whole thing moves so fast (particularly with twins) that if you don’t remember to stop and take joy from those moments when you can get it, you’ll miss it. For me, it was watching kids at a petting zoo. My son hitting his first triple, baking brownies with them when they were little and there was more brownie on them than ended up in the pan - those moments. And try not to dwell on the battle of wills that was potty training, the incredible temper tantrums, the number of times my son just got lost and wandered off.
As to ages, I liked my son, who is now thirteen, best when he was three and four. He was really a good natured, easy kid. He was a little too independent, wandering off by himself. My daughter at that age was a demon possessed child who threw incredible tantrums and needed her own way on EVERYTHING. He is now an uncooperative, uncommunicative sullen teenager pushing boundaries who I’m tempted to sell into child slavery - well, maybe not since we don’t actually ever SEE him unless he needs money or a ride - he is out with friends or hangs in his room and as far as I can tell, only talks in monosyllables when we do see him, she is now a lovely, considerate twelve year old. I suspect they will both turn out fine in the end, but he’s going to be a challenging teenager, something I would have never expected when he was four. She is going to hit hormonal here and enter the non-human stage, but I think compared to her toddler and pre-school years, she’ll be easy.
I think the saying is well-meaning, but I’m wondering if it makes people think that the best years of a person are when they are a child.
I would worry that a person would take the saying literally and believe that the most important years are the early ones–when the kid is cute and innocent and at its most lovable state. And that if you miss out on those early years, then you might as well throw in the towel as far as having a good relationship.
I like that distinction between “enjoyment” and “fun”, The Flying Dutchman. That rings true.
**Dangerosa, Monstro **-- it’s so nice to see you again I’ve missed the Dope
Thank you Crazy Cat Lady.
gracer, I can’t imagine doing that job & am so glad you did
Manda Jo, yes. I think so too, thanks
Mean Mr. Mustard - I always like it when someone with a snarky name posts something sweet
I should’ve typed out everyone’s names from the start, sorry.
I thought it just meant that little kids are cute.
I do think that the relationship between a parent and a young child is a unique and fleeting thing. The bond that forms when someone so wholly relies on you for their every need, and who picks up so much from you…it’s something unique in the world.
Of course, the relationship between a parent and an adult child is still a special and fulfilling on, but it’s not so totally different in nature than the relationship you have with any other adult you care deeply about.
Not mine. My 3-year-old is the sweetest, most fun little guy I’ve ever met. After I’ve been gone for a few days for work, he runs up to me and yells “Daddy!” Which makes me tear up just thinking about right now. He is as excited about going to the mall to ride the quarter rides as he is about going to Disney. A fun evening for him is sitting on my lap and having me read him book after book. He’s now at the age where he can articulate how he’s feeling. He’s developing a sense of humor, which just blows my mind. He loves Mickey Mouse and Handy Manny and Elmo and Oscar and I love that. In a couple years, his interests will be less “innocent.” And I know that once he starts liking things like Batman and Spiderman and whatnot, then I’ll probably *share *his interests more, but I definitely won’t be able to watch him dance around to the opening of a Batman movie like he does when “The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” comes on. This is pure joy for me right now.
His one-year-old sister on the other hand…
I have an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old. The 8-year-old is very difficult right now. “Noisy, self-centered and impatient” sums it up very well. And you have that times two! I completely agree with your original post - growing up is hard, for both parents and kids. I think most parents feel the way you do at some point. So please don’t feel bad for not enjoying your kids all the time. I love my kids to death but sometimes I want to ship them somewhere very, very far away…
Yes, it seems like a piece of advice given by people who have forgotten how hard parenting is. But it’s true, too.
My daughter’s first birthday party is this afternoon. I would look at baby pictures and cry then sit down on the floor and play with her and give her zerberts… unfortunately I need to clean the whole house, do laundry, ice the birthday cake, make sandwiches and lemonade, give her lunch and snacks and bottles and naps and diapers, and stop her from hurting herself. Oh, and I got four hours of sleep.
Sigh.
Time to get off the Dope and get mopping…
Random observation: I’m finding most of the people responding that their kids’ childhoods were the best are fathers, while the mothers are a little more restrained in their responses.
Thinking about that on a larger scale, in society mothers are still expected to be the primary caregivers. I’m wondering if a little bit of this is dads getting to do more fun parts than crappy parts…