Before I begin, let me make it clear that I have nothing against people who like Hello Kitty. On the whole, they seem to be a reasonable enough lot, with the exception of those guys who rioted over the lack of Hello Kitty toys with their fast food meals. But some people take their love of Hello Kitty’s little puffed-up cutsie-poo self too far, as evidenced by the following Hello Kitty product sighting.
All of the following were clustered into a single endcap at my local Target last night. I kid you not:
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The infamous Hello Kitty toaster. In pale pink, with a huge version of Hello Kitty’s expressionless face on it, complete with the signature pink bow over one ear.
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A Hello Kitty shake maker.
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A Hello Kitty electric toothbrush. For all I know, the thing doubles as the much-discussed Hello Kitty vibrator. I’m not about to find out.
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A Hello Kitty alarm clock.
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A Hello Kitty 1870-watt hairdryer.
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Some other Hello Kitty beverage-related device. I don’t remember what it was. Maybe a coffeemaker. Or a still. A still could come in handy if you had to stare at Hello Kitty crap all day. I really don’t remember what it was; I was having problems with Hello Kitty overload at the time. My brain was gummed up with bland pink Sanrio product sweetness, making further Hello Kitty-related memory storage impossible.
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Other Hello Kitty things that I’ve now forgotten about. See the comment above.
I have no doubt that somewhere out there there’s a Hello Kitty bong, along with a Hello Kitty chastity belt (aka a “goodbye pussy.”) For all I know, there’s a Hello Kitty chainsaw, a Hello Kitty speculum, and a Hello Kitty nuclear power plant somewhere in Hello Kitty-mad East Asia.
This post is a plea to stop the Hello Kitty insanity. I mean, what next—Hello Kitty nerve gas? Hello Kitty Prozac? Hello Kitty genetically modified soybeans? We might be raising an entire generation of kids who think that Hello Kitty ought to adorn every square centimeter of our being, even unto a Hello Kitty logo tacked onto our very souls. Won’t somebody think of the children?
