At the vietnamese restaurant we ordered “a jug of lemon squash”.
We got him to repeat the order…
We got a jug of lemonade and Scotch…
Love him or hate him, you gotta give Governor Christie props for telling people to “get the hell off the beach” when Hurricane Irene was headed our way.
We took a bunch of beaver scouts bowling. A young female parent took on the task of entering our names into the scoreboard. She asked for my name and I gave my scout name “Hawkeye” because that’s what the kids know me by.
Imagine my surprise when I got up to bowl and the screen welcomed me as “Hot Guy”!
Now those are some serious weather statements! 
ETA: The only one I can think of wasn’t all that epic - we were drawing things on maps when I was a kid, and I labelled the city of San Diego as Sandy Eggo. 
I just had one yesterday. One of my coworkers is heading to the Behamas Friday for a week long vacation, and he’s been bragging about it for a couple of weeks now. We all get along and cut up with one another.
Another of my coworkers, hearing this guy going on about his vacation again, said in a stage whisper, that his Bahama vacation is going to really be a kiddy pool in his bedroom.
I, with my bad hearing, heard the words “his vacation is going to really be kiddy porn in his bedroom”.
When I double checked with my coworker about what she said, she had to take a break she was laughing so hard.
A few Christmases ago, some friends invited me to see The Messiah. Some way in, the choir sang repeatedly, “Oh, we like sheep!” Needless to say, I was a bit perplexed by that choice of words. (I wasn’t even thinking about that the way you with dirty minds are thinking about it right now. That came a bit later.)
Afterward, on the way home, one friend started singing, “Are we like sheep?” and the light bulb went on in my head.
Flash forward to last Christmas. The same friends had intended to go again but couldn’t make it so they gave another friend and me their tickets. I’d completely forgotten about the previous mishearing until the choir came to that part. I’m quite proud of myself for not guffawing out loud as the memory struck me but I had a good inner laugh. 
Uh… have a real good laugh over it now, because the correct lyric is “All we like sheep (have gone astray)”
(Based on Isaiah 53:6 in case you want to see the context)
I love it! Twice the mistake, twice the fun!
The above is something my ex and I used to do on purpose. We would see how far we could distort a movie name when asking for tickets without getting caught. Our friend tried it with the box office for “Scent of a Woman”. He asked for one ticket to “Stench of a Woman” and got yelled at by the ticket seller.
Once my ex, my young son, and I were at the box office and he asked for “two adults and a chicken, please” and got away with it.
Cops came to my door once and asked me, what’s your name, do you live here, was that you out on the roof a few minutes ago? Stoned as I was I found this all a mite stressful. Anyway I said “yeah, I was…havin’ a smoke.”
They said ok, no worries, that’s another one solved (they actually said that), somebody phoned it in as a break-in in progress, etc.
As they were leaving one of them said “oh by the way is that your white man out on the street?” Now this sounded like one of the stupidest things I’d ever heard, and uptight as I was I sort of yelled, “WHAT??!”
And he says, “Is that your white van out on the street?”
I say “Oh. No.” I was so glad to see them go. Nice guys though.
I went to a restaurant with a friend of mine. I was very friendly with the manager of the restaurant. Coincidentally she was drop dead gorgeous. She came to our table and gave me a hug and sat down with us so I said “Carrie, this is my friend Rob, Rob, this is Carrie.” She made very intense eye contact with him and said “Has anyone ever told you you have the cutest nipples?” Rob blushed and said “yeah… I… I have heard that a time or two.” “I just want to… reach out and pinch them… I can hardly contain myself. They’re just so… perfect.”
I was speechless. They talked a little and I literally couldn’t talk at all. My mind was completely blown. After she left Rob said “DIMPLES! She likes my DIMPLES. I heard it too, but she meant DIMPLES.”
Do you mean Gene Rayburn?
I feel a little foolish, but I don’t understand this one.
Anyway, one from my life…
When I was a kid (born in 1982), there was a period of a few years when 1-900 numbers were heavily advertised on TV. I saw a commercial for one that featured pirate stories. The advertisement had some guy playing an old sea salt, speaking in that growling voice, and I thought I heard him use some nautical term when he referred to the audience as “fuckin’ ruckers.”
Naturally, soon afterwards, I was speaking to my parents, and I referred to them that way. I clearly remember standing in the living room with them bent over me, asking me what I was saying and where I heard it. I didn’t quite understand what was happening, but I didn’t ask them about it. Eventually, years later, it all came back to me and made sense.
Checking my program from that day which, oddly, I happened to have handy, I see you are correct. :smack: Thanks for pointing that out to me.
Nope, I don’t think Emtar would confuse Carrie with Gene.
Really?!
Hint: the doctor offers the patient a hearing aid.
Wow it’s obnoxious when people are asked to explain something and they just repeat it. I don’t get it either.
I can’t think of anything dentist-related that sounds like “hearing aid”.
Whoosh?
So you’re saying the joke is that the guy thinks dentists give out hearing aids?
I don’t get it either.
The joke is that the doctor offers her a hearing aid, and her hearing is so bad that she thinks he’s telling her to switch dentists. I think.