Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don’t hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent–I don’t care which one–but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!
I leave virgin offerings for the escalator gods every year. How do you think I’m still alive?
I WOULD have left the escalator a gift of my happy yellow pants…but…(sobs uncontrollably…)…they’ve…been…TAINTED. (growls)
And yet another line from Mallrats is:
“I hope a shoelace snags and a BLOODBATH ENSUES!”
-Brodie
And another one is this:
“Okay, first you take a run at LaFours with a sock full of quarters. I’d do it, but I pulled my back out last night humpin’ your mom, Noonch. Ya knock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. Then I run up and knock out the pin and bickity-bam! the motherfucker’s rubble.”
-Jay
And yet another is:
“One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, “Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you’re just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don’t you knock it off?” And he says to me, “Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?” My cousin was a weird guy.”
-Brodie
And even another is:
“You know what you need? What you need is a fatty boom batty blunt. Then I guarantee you’ll see an ocean, a sailboat and maybe some of them big-tittied mermaids doin’ some of that lesbian shit.”
-Jay
My advice is to never, EVER anger the escalator gods by pressing that “Emergency Stop” button without dire need…all other escalators will be out for your blood.
I fear and respect escalators… but that grimy black rubber handrail? That makes me want to scream. I will do anything not to touch it. Payphones, toilet flush handles, money doorknobs, these things don’t creep me out even though I know they’re just as grimy, but there is something about the fingerprint-smeared black escalator handrail that makes my skin crawl.
Someone should install a disinfectant-laden bumperd pad at the top that wipes the handrail clean as it passes back “underground” for the return trip…
And WHY oh WHY does the handrail travel at a different speed than the stairs???
Lexi you are the king.
If ye thenk I’m sexy, and ye wont meh body, come on beby let meh know!
“Is his dork made of orange rock too?”
-Brodie
HEEEED!