Hello, boys. My name is Swiddles, and I am a fag hag. I’ve known it for quite some time. All of my male friends in high school later hooked up with each other. The bouncer at the local gay bar knows me. By name. And not socially. The other night, while watching Queer as Folk with my friend John, and laughing hysterically at the Alicia Bridges/I love the nightlife joke, he exclaimed with quite some amazement: “You ARE a fag hag if you got that joke. I mean, you’re practically a gay man.”
I’m not crazy about the title “fag hag”, but it is effective. I’ve heard other variations, fruit fly, etc. This is not my concern today. Of course, if you have heard of a more charitable title, I’d be grateful. But here it is: what do I call my gay guy? I mean, I’m his fag hag. I want a title for him.
I’m tired of saying “No, sorry, I have plans with my friend John. No, I’m not dating him. He’s the Will to my Grace.” It would be much easier to say “I have plans with my [insert new term here] John tonight.” I mean, I’d like a phrase that didn’t necessarily define his sexuality as important to our friendship (ie: my gay friend John) but cuts down the explanation time. I don’t love him because he’s a gay man, I love him because he’s a fabulous human being who doesn’t try and sleep with me like heterosexual men, who doesn’t compete with me for the attentions of heterosexual men like female friends sometimes do. Plus, he tells me when my hair is too poofy and he does a glorious Bea Arthur impersonation. He deserves a title, and his birthday is coming up. Help a fag hag out, fellas.
My Ab-Fab Friend
Pink Panther
My Sittin’ Man
My Flamingo
Forbidden Fruit
King Grizzly
Lord! of the Prance!
'Spree de Corps
Male Caller
Queen She-bad
Shepherd Man
I’m Feeling Gay Today
Clothes-Quarters Horse (x2)
Anyway, hmmm, good question. In gay company, it’s acceptable to say “my fag John” (since you are, after all his fag hag). In mixed company, “best friend” is a reasonable substitute.
But something clever? Hmmm. I’ll have to cogitate on that one.
I knew a couple years ago who referred to their partners by the Spanish word “alternativa” as in alternative to a wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend whatever.
“Fairy Godmother”, I like that! See, I have this group of “fag hags” instead of just one. Figures…I get groupies and they’re all women…not one gay man in the bunch! Well, bf takes care of that for me anyway. They’ll get a kick out of being called my “Fairy Godmothers.”
Anyway, we’re all friends. So, when I’m out with them I’m hanging out with my friends. That’s all any of us have ever needed.
I’ve heard Fairy Godmother before, and quite frankly, it makes me feel old. I ain’t nobody’s godmother, mmmkay? But Fruit Tart I like, since one of our long-running jokes is the Margaret Cho Slut Pride Parade routines.
But for him, for HIM. Esprix, I considered going straight to the ATGG source, but I wasn’t sure if you were still answering the call of heteros. I shy from referring to him as my “fag” because while the term “fag hag” is self-depricating enough to not make my fingers curl, I don’t think I, as a heterosexual woman, should seriously refer to anyone as a fag. I’ll let yall throw that term around.
I like Pink Panther. So far that’s the winner. Clever and not outright using the words queer, fag, etc. The other thing is that my friend John, while quite queeny, is not a total queen. So to refer to him as, say “Lord of the Prance” might offend the dear boy. Keep 'em coming, kids.
My favorite fag hag story: while attending Karaoke night at my local gay bar, and complaining about men to a bisexual woman who was obviously trying to pick me up, this man I didn’t know but with whom we were sharing a table said “Excuse me girls, but do you have a gay man in your life?” Like he’s selling bibles with gay men in the place of Jesus.
“One? Honey, I have a fabulously accesorized army.” Says Swiddles.
“Good. Because if you’re going to sleep with straight men, you’re gonna need us to keep you sane.” Brilliant. And correct.
ROFL! There’s one for everyone – one gay man, that is!
On behalf of the Straight Guy Depo, I apologize (if I can get past your Pink Panther Platoon) for all the nutty straight guys, we thought we’d recalled that model, honest!
If not fully satisfied, please let me know, and your money will be refunded or a new man provided. Customer – satisfaction – is our primary goal.
The Will to my Grace, Peter, refers to me in mixed company as his “Fly Girl.” It’s only amongst those who won’t drop their jaws to their shoes that this is explained as having been derived from our alternative title for me, which is “Fruit Fly.”
His term, not mine. He’s not big on “fag” and I’m not big on being a “hag” so we cogitated out something that suited us both.
They’ll get a kick out of being called my “Fairy Godmothers.”