DDG: Good reply 
. You make a couple of good points. I guess I’m more in agreement with Fenris, rather than AS on the “how to proceed” part. But I agree with Alan Smithee that teaching that the good road is the hard, uncomfortable road is not the way to go. Not that I’m accusing you of that in general - But I do think I would have written an “upfront”, non-weasley note asking her to be excused under the circumstances. No dishonesty in that, and if it’s rejected, it’s rejected.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by doreen *
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Same enlightened employer (Canadian federal gummint) has two kinds of sick leave. For uncertified sick leave, you call in sick and, when you recover, fill out a leave pass in which you sign a declaration that you were, indeed, sick. You get something like 10 days per calendar year of uncertified sick leave and you’re not allowed to accumulate it from year to year. For certified sick leave, you’re probably already on your bed of pain, and you get your doctor to write a note – on a prescription blank works fine – stating that you need X days off work. I have never heard of anybody running out of certified sick leave.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by doreen *
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Aforementioned enlightened employer grants a limited amount of leave for family-related duties such as children’s illnesses, broken pipes and funerals. You have to sign a document stating why you had to take the time and God help you if you lie. The system works well, to the best of my knowledge.
…this:
Bingo.
The teacher is responsible for your child during that period. He is putting you in a bad situation by causing this disagreement. Much as a child would complain, I personally would write no such note. This is a great time to explain personal ethics. Eventually this will come in handy when they are faced with an ethical dillema at work such as:
“Should I lie on a product failure rate report to our biggest client? My boss says it’s OK, but I don’t think so”
or
“Should I change our numbers so it looks like we’ve sold less goods, thereby getting more financial assistance from our parent company?”
These are dillemas I have personally faced in the real world. (Yes, it was hard but I did the right thing) It was no easier doing it in the workplace to a big, scary corporate boss then it would be to do it in school, but it had to be done. I’m not saying to make the kid a martyr, but I personally would have words with any teacher that asked my kid to lie or asked parents to lie for any reason.
No, gym class is not a huge issue, but teaching kids right from wrong is. Lying is lying, and I don’t care how casually it’s done or if everyone else is doing it. Instead of writing a false note, I would personally ask the gym teacher why another activity was not planned. Surely when they rented the ice rink space, they knew it would occasionally be unavailable.
Zette
Umm, gosh, when you say it… :o
Ok, I maybe I got a little carried away. I guess it goes back to my own bad experience with caoches and school bureaucracies. Let me try to separate the wheat from the chaff in what I said. An honest note is the best response, because it communicates both your good will to your daughter and your commitment to honesty. The coach probably wouldn’t read it, but if he did, he would already be in a bind, because it isn’t exactly your daughter’s fault that the note doesn’t say what it should. Does he ignore a parent’s instructions and punish a student for having honest, decent parents, or does he take the risk upon himself of telling her she can skip class? It puts the burden on him rather than you or the Cat.
So far, so good, but I admit the next part is where I lost it. If the note is written with a clause like Fenris suggested, (“Please call me if this is not acceptable.”) the Cat shouldn’t have to (nor should she) do anything the least bit threatening to the coach. All she has to do is react the way she probably would naturally: polite, embarassed, and disapointed. “Well would it be ok if I called my mom and she gave permission over the phone?” or something like that. If the note already said to call you, it seems reasonable for her to make the same request. That’s all that it would take. She certainly should not ask
It was careless and wrong of me to write that. Threatening to go over an authority’s head is a bad idea. You correctly identify it as blackmail, and as morally wrong. On top of that, it almost never works.
On the other hand, it seems perfectly fair for you to rake him over the coals and threaten to go to the principal, should it come to that. I suspect that he is really a nice but thoughtless person and would see the error of his ways if you ended up talking to him, but if he didn’t, you (unlike your daughter) would have the authority to challenge his actions as contrary to your daughter’s well being.
Assuming everyone (or anyone) at the school has any sense of decency or proportion, it would all be resolved relatively peacefully over the phone. If it weren’t, it wouldn’t be worth making as big a fuss as I suggested. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t get that far anyway (which is true) and then used that as an excuse to engage in blatant revenge fantasy. I really ought to call my therapist.
Looking over all this, I guess I should have just left it at what Fenris said. I hope I’ve managed to add something to this discussion, but at this point, I’m not sure what that would be. So much for my perfect record. :rolleyes:
'kay. 
It’s mostly that at this end, what’s 99.9% important is “not embarrassing the kid”. So most of what you were suggesting, even edited to remove the blackmail, would still count as “embarrassing the kid” by making a Big Deal out of this.
Which we didn’t want to do.
And yeah, I thought you sounded like the Devious Type, one of those kids who never had any problems producing forged notes from home (and who I always secretly envied, FTR). 
I think you did the right thing, not giving her the note. Not only is it lying, but the teacher is trying to get away with something by passing the blame to someone else. She shouldn’t let someone manipulate her that way and place her in a situation in which she could get in trouble. He conveniently played it off as her benefit, when in reality it was for his own benefit so he could be a lazy bastard. I like reading your parenting threads DDG, gives me good ideas on how to raise my own kids some day.
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I wonder though, why you refer to your husband as the “Better Half”. Why not the “Equal Half” or the “Male Half”. It just seems to belittle your role in the marriage. Though most people probably don’t think of it or mean it that way.
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Thanks. I feel better.
Would the Cat really have been more embarassed to hand in an honest note than to sit in the bleachers, before she knew she that half the class would be there too?
Well, I said it was a revenge fantasy. I was actually pretty scrupulous about that kind of thing, until I realized that the teacher didn’t care either, at which point I started writing out the notes myself on the teacher’s desk! (That way, it wasn’t really dishonest.) If the teacher objected, I’d offer to go back and do it hiding behind a book, and the teacher would laugh and take the note. I knew my mom didn’t mind, either. Whenever I presented her with a permission slip, she’d roll her eyes and say “I hate messing with those things. Can’t you just just sign them for me?” I still don’t know for sure whether she was joking or not.
DDG: I applaud your stand for honesty. You don’t just demand it of others, but of yourself. Your daughter is at the age where any sign of adult hypocrisy removes a great deal of respect for that adult. You have reinforced the notion that she can count on you to walk the walk. Who doesn’t respect someone who follows the very rules they want others to follow. Who leads, gets out in front and shows the way (as opposed to getting behind and prodding in the desired direction ;)).
I actually thought of Alan Smithee’s plan myself (less the blackmail bits) while I read the OP. While you did the right thing, I would arrange a little talk with the coach and ask, in as non-threatening a manner as I could manage, why he should request me to write a note absolving him of any responsibility should my kid be discovered somewhere he oughtn’t to be. It was dishonest of the coach to do that.
~~Baloo
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People who love each other refer to each other as “the Better Half”. That way, you win twice. Your mate gets to hear you praise them as TBH, and you get to be praised as TBH in return. "The EQUAL half?!? Sheesh! Now that’s endearing!
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~~Baloo
I don’t think parents should put such a high priority on not embarassing their kids. Yes, you shouldn’t go out of your way to embarass them, and the fact that kids are easily embarassed is something that should be taken into consideration - but helping your kid avoid embarassment should not be more important than teaching them important lessons. Every kid is embarassed of their parents at some point or another. Nobody is traumatized because of childhood embarassment alone, in fact it’s probably a good thing for people to be in embarassing situations a few times during their formative years so they can realize it’s not the worst thing in the world - otherwise you have people making bad decisions to avoid embarassment. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that things you need to do will make you unpopular with some people.
I agree it’s not a good idea to have your daughter do the talking to the gym teacher for you, and I think it’s an especially bad idea to use the pseudo-blackmail methods suggested, but I believe the gym teacher’s superiors need to be informed of what he is asking the kids to do. If this results in him embarassing or making things tough on your daughter in retaliation, he is putting himself in an even worse situation, and making it even more obvious he has no business teaching or having any authority over children.