It might be a regional thing. Among my mother’s generation, in western Pennsylvania, it was the norm for a woman, when she married, to replace her middle name (if any) with her maiden name. If nothing else, this helps with continuity for people you knew before and after marriage: Someone who used to know Miss Mary Jones would still recognize her if she’s now Mrs. Mary Jones Smith.
I think that, in most states, the rule is that when you marry, you can change your name for “free” (with no extra fees and very little extra paperwork), but without specifying what you can change it to, and without specifying gender. So if Bob Anderson and Sue Johnson get married, they can become Alonzo Pappadoupolos and Kunegunda Xavier, if they want. So a middle-name shuffle like this is, comparatively, no big deal.
When I got remarried a few years ago, both of us were in our early 50s. We spent a lot of time figuring out how to address invitations so no one got offended, using multiple, often conflicting style guides. So for our generation and younger, we’d address it to “Mr. Robert Guest & Mrs. Florence Guest”, but for our parents’ generation, we went with the older “Mr. & Mrs. Xavier Olderguest”. But we also decided that widows of that generation should get their own first name, so we addressed those to “Mrs. Latetia Widowedguest”. We didn’t get any complaints.
I’ve known at least two families where the girls didn’t get middle names because “she’ll drop it when she gets married, so what is the point”? Lots of layers in that.
I have noticed a lot more women keeping some form of their maiden names these days. Often either as a middle name or a second middle name. I don’t know if they made a legal change: you don’t have to. But they sign their name that way and use it in social media. I imagine this is just so people you knew before your name change know who you are.
OP here. I admit that I’m somewhat unsure about the usage of Mrs. AnyName. I’ve been Ms. Anny Middon for more than 40 years now (will be married half a century in a couple of years, and Middon is my husband’s BirthLastName). I’ve never felt the need to display my marital status. Why do some women choose to do so?
I of course do understand that you call people what they want to be called – but I don’t always know what that is. I’m having trouble understanding why, if one wants to be referred to as Mrs., she would balk at using husband’s first name as part of the title. If you’re going 2/3 of the way with Mrs. and HisLastName, why not just do the traditional thing? And if you elect to use the Mrs. title, it seems to be weird to use it with your BirthLastName. Plus, of course, Mrs. Rand Paul says you’re married to the senator, and not the drag queen – although being married to RuPaul woud be much cooler.
I did start using my BirthLastName (aka “maiden name”) as my middle name when I wed. My mother did so and I thought it was cool.
So, am I wrong in thinking that etiquette protocol is tighter in Washington DC than in other major US cities? I’ve long been under the assumption that this is the case. When they seat a state dinner, are there still a whole set of rules about who gets what seat based on rank? If they use place cards, do they use Mrs. Mario Draghi, Mrs. Serena Draghi, or something else?
My high school French teacher kept her maiden name, but went by Mrs. She said it was just easier than correcting people. Her of course always called her Madame X. That’s actually the norm in most languages; the title formerly used for married woman (Mme, Frau, etc) shifted to being used for all adult women. English is one of the few (only?) languages that coined a new title instead.
Your last name identifies your family. Your first name identifies you. It makes sense to change your last name to match your spouse when you marry: You and your spouse, and any children you might have, will be a family, and so should all have the same family name (note that this argument applies equally well to the wife changing her name to the husband’s, the husband changing his name to the wife’s, or both changing their name to something new). But while you have a new family, you’re still you, so you keep your first name. Becoming “Mrs. John Smith” is to reject that you have any identity at all beyond that of your husband. Which is a traditional notion, but not all traditions are good: That particular tradition stinks.
Between 1990 (my older sister’s wedding) and 2002 (younger sister’s) my mother changed from “Mrs Constantine Pereira” to “Mrs Carlotta Pereira” on the place card. She did not get married, widowed or anything. She was born in the 1930s. Etiquette or at least practice in her social circle just evolved.
The older sister’s invitations were sent out by “Mr. & Mrs. Constantine Pereira. The younger one’s were sent out in the name of the bride and groom, but that might have been more related to them being in their 30s and living independently for some years rather than 20s and just out of college.