Hypothetically, say I Ms. E. Crayons, m about to marry my longtime partner, B. Blaaarfengaaar.
“Eats Blaaarfengaaar” sounds terrible plus I LIKE my current name, so I plan on keeping it. So what honorific/title is customary for me post-nuptials? Is it de rigueur to introduce myself as Mrs. Eats Crayons, or is that confusing?
FWIW, I don’t particularly care about such conventions, but I was wondering if there are any conventions at all, or if women who keep their names typically continue to go with “Ms.” so it doesn’t sound like they’ve married their own brothers, or does no one care now that the tradition of being Mrs. Man Mansname have mostly fallen by the wayside?
I go by “Ms” but I don’t correct someone if they call me “Mrs.” In fact, even if I were single, I would go by “Ms” and not correct someone if they called me “Mrs.”–“Miss” is just too girlish.
Most of the women i know kept their own names, and when a title is required, they virtually always go with Ms. This includes my wife. (Except when they go with Dr. or Professor; my wife, and many of the women i know, are academics with PhDs.)
Basically, a key idea of using Ms., for both single and married women, is that it removes the question of marital status from your title altogether. It’s really no-one’s business whether or not you’re married, so there’s no reason to use a system of titles that distinguishes unmarried women from married women. There’s no such thing for men, so why should there be such a thing for women?
I’m not sure if I count or not, as I’ve hyphenated my name, but what the heck:
I’ve been trying for 20 years to be MRS MyName-HisName but people INSIST on using the honoric “MS”. So I’ll introduce myself as Mrs, but let any subsequent reference to “Ms” slide because, honestly, it really doesn’t matter that much to me.
Much more prevelent are people who INSIST I am Mrs. or Ms. HisFirstName HisLastName. This gets me Extremely Angry.
But basically, from a legal standpoint, at least in the US, you can refer to yourself post-nuptials however you want provided you have filed the name-change paperwork correctly (if you don’t want to change your name at all you need file NOTHING - name changes, even at marriage, are not automatic). The social stuff… well, it depends on your area and the crowd you associate with.
Would it be a faux pas to call myself Mrs. Eats Crayons, which implies I’ve married into the Crayon family rather than being a founding member, or does no one really care?
Edit: And since we’re a same-sex couple, it could be quite confusing indeed because by older traditions our identities would flip entirely: she would become Mrs. Eats Crayons, while I became Mrs. Blaaarfengaaar Blaaarfengaaar.
It’s not really a matter of whether it’s a faux pas. Do whatever makes you most comfortable.
As i said, i don’t see why anyone feels the need to declare, in their title, that they’re married. What purpose does it serve? If the people you’re talking to are already your family or friends or even co-workers, they probably already know you’re married. And if you’re talking to strangers, why does it matter whether or not they know your marital status?
I have been Ms. Lastname my whole life, both before and after marriage. One friend, who is Southern and very old-school, wants her child to call all adults Mr. and Mrs. [name]; I’m neither Mrs. Lastname, nor Mrs. Husbandslastname, but her 2.5-year-old doesn’t know Ms., which isn’t common in her community. We’ve settled on Mrs. Gila, which is fine with me.
None, I was just curious. I would continue to use Ms. because I don’t really see the point in Mrs. these days, but I was curious as to whether or not anyone switches to Mrs. while keeping their maiden name (Gah! “Maiden” name.)
In my experience, most people just use “Mrs.” if they know you’re married, regardless of which last name you use. The only time I see the traditional “wife-of” construction, as in “Mrs. Man Man’sname”, is on wedding invitations. It would be hilarious if you got one addressed to “Mrs. Eats Crayons [her] and Mrs. Blaaarfengaaar Blaaarfengaaar[you]”.
Personally, I’ve always used “Ms.” for myself. I didn’t change my name for a while after the wedding, so I’ve been a single and married Ms. Me Oldname, as well as a married Ms. Me Newname. I go by **mhendo’s **logic: there’s no reason to note my marital status when you address me. But I generally don’t correct someone if they call me something else - Ms., Miss, Mrs., Mr… whatever.
When i replied to your last post, you had not added the second paragraph, and i didn’t realize you were in a same-sex marriage. I’m not sure if the gay community (to the extent that there is a single community) has a protocol for this sort of thing, although i have heard of a few married lesbians who use “Mrs.” to emphasize their marital status, as sort of a political gesture. Not sure whether that would interest you or not.
The handful of mail I get that has honorifics on it is usually Ms., but then again it’s usually from people trying to sell me shit who have no idea if I’m married or not. Personal mail is typically of the informal type and is simply addressed to CCL Myname. On the very, very rare occasion I get personal formal mail, it’s whatever the sender feels is proper, which can be any permutation of honorific and lastname you can imagine. Ms. is most common, but there is the occasional Mrs. Crazycatlady Hisname, and on the magazines my grandma subscribes me to, I’m Mrs. CCL Hisname.
The weirdest one, though, is the newsletter/membership drive mailing I got last summer from the Women’s Club at the state university where DoctorJ is faculty. It was addressed to Ms. DoctorJ Hisname, c/o Dr. DoctorJ Hisname, at our house. I do believe it’s the only time I’ve ever seen Ms. used with the husband’s whole name, and certainly the only time I’ve ever seen mail sent to someone at their home address care of someone else.
I use “Ms.” when prompted on forms - one never uses one’s own title otherwise. You may use it in parentheses before your printed name at the end of a letter, I think.
The Victorians declares that “Mrs.” can only be used with a husband’s first and last name; I’m fine with that. I don’t use his name.
In social and point business situations, I often say, “I am Mrs. His Name; my name is Jay Sixtysix.” I love both reactions I get - “What the hell do I call her?” and “How do you do” with either name with a slight questioning lilt. I am old enough now that I usually have the right to say, “Please call me Jay.”
I would definitely recommend introducing yourself as Eats Crayons, Mrs. Her Name in social situations. In professional situations, stick with Ms. Eats Crayons.
Just promise me you’ll tell your co-workers you are getting married; we have wedding (and baby) showers at work for our straight male and female co-workers, but the gay ones never tell us in advance. They just come back with a wedding ring. We feel like such homophobes.
Oh, please write Judith Martin with this question. I so want to read her answer.
I suspect she will tell you, much more wittily than I, that these types of situations are exactly why “Ms.” was resurrected (not invented).
My brother’s first wife has kept our name, though her maiden name was much better. The strange thing is that she has adopted a boy who has the same first name as my brother. I never would have known this, except I googled our last name, and discovered that someone with my brother’s name is living with his first wife. This is a little creepy.
Unfortunately, it’s not correct to use “Mrs.” with a name that is not your spouse’s last name. It is, indeed, for situations such as this that Ms. was invented (actually, rediscovered).
They did! I believe she recommended Mr. or Ms. for each member, and Messrs./Mesdames for the two together if they use the same last name. Mesdames Eats and Beatrice Blaaarfengaaar-Crayons.
I generally go by Ms. Mylastname. When out with my husband in my husband’s professional circles I go by Mrs. Hislastname. Its just easier. They seem me once or twice a year at the Christmas party, they don’t need to have any idea what my last name is. There are other times when I’m Mrs. Hislastname - some kid functions (i.e. I don’t correct people).
Miss Manners seems to respond to this question frequently, here’s twoexamples.
I know several women who have gone with “Eats Crayons is my name; Mrs is my title.” I think it’s a fine idea.
I prefer the use of “natal name” and “conjugal name”, partly because it confuses people into silence.
