A friend of mine told me a few months ago that she was finally after 8 years of marriage taking her husbands name. I got her new business card last week. A professional woman (she is a financial consultant) she did not take his name when they married, but she has now and when I asked she replied since she was getting tired of telling strangers that yes those three brats were really her children, yes she was married to Dr So and So and that most strangers adressed her as Mrs. So and So anyway when the first met, especially if they knew her via him.
So ladies. In my never ending quest to find out how the female mind works, I would like to ask, what have your experiences been? Personally I never could fathom why anyone would change their name, I would when I get married not expect my wife to take my name.
In Hispanic countries women don’t change their lastname to their husband’s. Traditionally, they append those: Maria Pilar Sánchez Pérez becomes, upon marrying Carlos Martínez García, María Pilar Sánchez Pérez(,señora) de Martínez García (lit. MPSP(, wife) of MG). Or Pili Sánchez de Martínez, in a shorter version.
Children get the first lastname from the father and the second from the mother. For Portuguese (and, I think, their ex-colonies), it’s first lastname from the mother and second from the father.
My mother seems to have four distinct… identities, shall we say. To some people, she is Maite Herlastname. Those people know her but may or may not have met Dad; it’s the same people who often call me Maite (since Mom happened to share the name with her MiL and SiL, she made a point of not making me Maite IV).They know her as this sort-of-hippyish, fat, well-preserved sunday school teacher.
Then there’s the people who know her as Mrs Dad’slastname. They know her as a respectable, fat, well-preserved lady, very much Mrs Important Man’s. They may know her firstname, but wouldn’t be able to recall her lastname if they had money riding on it.
There’s the ones who know the whole kit and caboodle, the ones who were friends with both of them.
And then there’s the ones who call her Nava… the ones who greet her with a “hi! You’re XYZ’s Dad’slastname’s mother/grandmother, right?”
She used to get very angry at people in the second group. For some reason, being called Nava by a well-meaning mother-of-an-old-classmate-of-mine a few years back helped her relax re. that; for starters, she understood that for many people the problem wasn’t so much seeing her as an appendage of her husband as of her children, who hey, share her husband’s lastname (it’s an inheritance).
That lastname is three words. Companies in the UK appear to have their software set up to accept three-word lastnames if you insist hard enough, but I still need to correct it. Every. Single. Time. And people still try to abbreviate it in ways I never would. I decided a loooong time ago, way back when I was in graduate school in the USA, that if I ever ended up marrying into a single-lastname culture and hubby’s lastname didn’t happen to be something horribly long, I’d take it up.
In White Anglo-Saxon America it was pretty much always done that way
To the extent that the jackass in the navy automatically submitted paperwork to change my last name to my husbands. This caused no end of issue, as the social security administration changed it, the infernal revenue service changed it …
my passport remained the maiden name because it wasnt time to change it out, I didnt change my drivers license, and I caught the name change on my military ID in time for the guy to change it before it printed …
BUT I hadnt caught on to the stack of paperwork I was signing to get the ID and all the military crap done had included the name change forms for various governmental offices … hence the annoyign name changes.
It took me trying to badge in to a nuclear plant to work to catch it as everything kept getting bounced because names didnt match up.
Finally at the divorce did I manage to actually get everything finally chnaged back to my maiden name. Did you know that there doesnt seem to be any form for changing a married surname back to maiden name other than filing a divorce? That may have been changed as I created a rather loud rucus about the while issue…
I kept my own name (even the term “maiden name” sets my teeth on edge) upon marriage and while I understand that I must be tolerant of others who make different choices, I personally cannot imagine what is going through women’s heads when they take a man’s name upon marriage.
A woman taking a man’s last name harks back to the days when she was considered his property, just as slaves used to be given their master’s last name. My last name and my family ancestry actually serve to illustrate this point. IRL my last name is very common among African-Americans. I also have an ancestor who was one of the biggest slave owners in Virginia. No, it is not a coincidence.
As to the argument that the OP’s friend expressed - that she was tired of telling people that the kids actually were hers - I have a question: if it was that important to you, why didn’t you give them YOUR last name?
When my now-husband and I started talking marriage, I asked him whether he’d be upset when (not if) I kept my name. His answer: “Well, it is your name - you can choose to do whatever you want. But honestly, I cannot imagine myself falling in love with a woman who wouldn’t want to keep her own name.” Damn, I love that man.
I also love what I once heard a guest on NPR say: “Why on earth would you change your name? You’re getting married, not joining a witness protection program.”
I don’t see tradition as such a terrible justification. Most women want their husband to wear a ring after they are married and to get them a diamond engagement ring before they are married. Why? For the most part, tradition. Most women want to marry a man who is taller than them. Why? Again, traditionally the man is a bit taller than the woman.
Now, I realize that in doperland, there are lots of couples where rings are not exchanged, the woman is taller than the man, the woman doesn’t want flowers at her wedding, everyone who drives an SUV actually tows stuff on weekends, and so on.
But in the real world? People put some value on tradition.
I dropped my middle name and inserted my maiden name followed by the husbands. I remember his family thought it odd I did that, as if I was somehow minimizing their family name by keeping mine with me. Its what my grandmothers, mother and sister did. Traditions, East coast vs midwest I guess. But that bugged me and I regret not adding my family name to my kids name.
I’m not my father’s or my family of origin’s property, either, so why should I keep that name?
I recently changed mine as well, after several years of marriage. I don’t see anything the least bit un-feminist about my wanting to have the same name as my husband and children.
<shrug> The nice thing is that everyone can do how she or he feels fit. No right or wrong here.
I took my husbands name, and gladly. I went from a pretty common last name to a name that is much more rare, and that I have to spell every time.
There is no confusion as to if we are married, or whose kids these are.
Seeing that I run a construction business, and he stays home and runs the kids and house, I don’t think I am being held down by a patriarchal society, or that I am his property.
It just amazes me sometimes how much things have changed in the past 30-40 years. We’ve gone from “it’s a bit unusual to keep your maiden name after marriage unless you are a celebrity” to “cannot imagine what is going through women’s heads when they take a man’s name upon marriage.”
I had no trouble changing my name when I married, emotionally, logistically or philosophically. A bit of a kerfluffle when I filed my taxes, because I had neglected to inform Social Security, but it was quickly fixed. Most…I’d say 95%…of my friends changed their names. My brother’s wife didn’t. And most of us that have divorced kept our married names…I can really only think of one friend who changed back, and I often wonder how her young children feel about that, since it seemed like a rejection of anyone with that last name, and I’m not sure elementary-aged children understand the nuances. I have absolutely no problem retaining the name I’ve had since 1979, but I’d give it up just as easily as I gave up the one I was born with if I have the opportunity to marry again…in fact, I think it would be very weird to keep THIS last name in a new marriage. My last name is not my identity, and my string of names reveals my history and relationships in a way that retaining my first lastname can’t. Only rarely do I use my maiden lastname when I introduce myself…and only as an aid to someone’s memory.
I took my (now ex) husband’s name when we got married 24 years ago. I never gave it a second thought. Three years after our divorce I resumed my given name (I am with CairoCarol on the dislike for “maiden name”), and I wish I had done it sooner. My family is loved and respected in our small town and nobody ever questioned my decision.
I also gave my second son my mother’s given last name as his middle name. She had no brothers, so nobody to carry on this name. My son at this age (18) is somewhat ambivalent about it but I am sure he will embrace it some day.
Ok. But generally, and as an ummarried male I can’t comprehend, how dose it affect life when the wifes name is different from her husbands and childrens? My friends example, she found it extremely disconcerting to let people know at the PTA that yes she was little Johnnys motehr (not his real name). For any doper in that position is it an issue that affects you do such problems arise?
BTW I used maiden name as shorthand; for brevitys sake, a thread with the title “Changing the name that you were given at birth, which was incidentally your fathers, but could have just as easily been your mothers, when you enter a committed relationship commonly known as marriage” would be a bit…cumbersome?
You could be right, although that isn’t why we did it, as I am deeply midwestern. Both of my sons have family names actually. My first son’s name is a fourth-generation name with an “IV” after it. I felt that a similar tribute would be nice for my second son.
I just got married 6 months ago and chose to keep my name. This is the name I’ve had for 30 years and it’s an important part of my identity. Why does the woman have to change her name and the man has to change nothing? But I have no problem with women who change their names as long as it’s their choice and they’re not being pressured into it just because “that’s how it’s always done.”
Fortunately my husband was very supportive of my decision. I wouldn’t have married him if he had been the kind of guy who wasn’t.
So far it hasn’t been a problem at all. If and when we ever have children, we’ll probably hypenate their names. I don’t believe that having the same last name is what defines a family anyway.
I am looking forward to taking my husband’s name when the time comes (though obviously I see no reason to rush there).
Look, my real father - didn’t even want me. Certainly didn’t want to give me his name.
My adopted father gave me his name, but I had no choice about it, it was just given to me.
I picked my SO, and he is better to me than either of those two men were, so I will definitely be taking his name. And in other, less important factors, I will go from having a fairly rare last name, to having a VERY common last name, and also I will no longer be right at the beginning of the damn alphabet.
I’m probably about to lose all of my feminist credentials here, but when I thought about it after getting engaged, the first thing that came to mind was when King Lear asks his daughters how much they love him. Cordelia says, “Haply, when I shall wed, that lord whose hand must take my plight shall carry half my love with him, half my care and duty.” As much as I love my father and birth family, when I got married I transferred my primary allegiance to my husband and our new family. It was important to me personally to signify that, and changing my name was one of the easiest ways for me to do so.
It was the right choice for me, but I completely respect women who make different choices.
