About changing my name, that is. I’m still throwing myself into this marriage with everything I’ve got because I found the best man in the world and I’m delighted about getting to stay by his side for life. But the name change thing is stressing me out. It’s not that I have any attachment to my current family name. I’m not close with that side of the family and never have been, and it’s not a particularly pretty or important-sounding name. But it’s been mine for thirty years. I’m sort of used to it by now. It’s also a French-Canadian name, and if I stop using it I feel like I’m chopping off a little bit of my identity.
He told me he doesn’t have anything against me keeping my maiden name, but it would make him happy to share his name. Also making things easier logistically - sharing a last name shows we’re married.
And it’s a nice name. It goes well with my first name. So why am I finding myself hesitating? Does everyone go through this? How long does it take you to adjust to being a Mrs NewName? I had decided to tack on his name after mine so I’ll be Antigen Middle Maiden HisName, but I guess I’m just unsure that I’ll ever get used to it, and end up signing things with the wrong name and not responding when someone calls me at the doctor’s office.
Do any married ladies care to share their experiences in name-changing? Is it normal to feel a little sad about abandoning the old name even if you didn’t like it much?
I changed my name twice and I don’t regret either. My second name change resulted in my children and I having different names their entire childhood which was occasionally challenging but never a really big deal.
Either way keeping your name or changing it there will be some short term issues with forms and annoyances but in the long term it’s all about what makes you (and to a lesser extent your husband) happy.
No personal experience to share, but since your* name is so closely wrapped up in your sense of your own identity, I’d imagine there’s a bit of mental difficulty to changing your name.
You’re adopting a new identity - that’s a pretty big mental shift to undertake.
… and by “you” and “your,” I mean the general “you,” not Antigen specifically
If it helps, remember that you don’t have to do it right away; I didn’t. I always said I’d jump at the chance to get rid of my old last name, for about ten different reasons. But when the time came to sign the marriage license, I still wasn’t decided. So I held off, and waited to see how I felt later. After about a year, I was certain, so I went through the regular “official name change” process. I’m totally glad I made the change, but I’m also glad I waited until I was sure.
I woudl never give up my name, but it is an ancient one, and connects me to a large and loving family. I do find having a different name than my child highly inconvenient though, and wish constantly that I had not given her her father’s name.
I’d encourage you to make that part of your discussion with your finacee. How would he feel about using your name with the children? How would he feel about changing his name to yours? (This can be particuarlly illuminating.)
I’ve changed my name three times. The first time, I just took his, and always resented it. When I got divorced, I gleefully took mine back. Then I started a business using that name.
When I got married this time, since I had the business, it was even more complicated of a decision. What I ended up doing was dumping my middle name and using my maiden as that. Professionally, I use all three names, but my old last name is not a last name. I didn’t want to mess with hyphens. It keeps my name in full sight and keeps my business name relevant.
I was very happy with that choice, although it was a pain in the ass at the Social Security office, who declined to believe that was possible until I found a nice supervisor willing to look up regulations. It is most certainly possible.
I felt the same before I got married, but went ahead with it. And you know, I was really surprised how little it bothered me. Then I divorced, remarried, and changed it again…still no problem.
I also go by a more formal first name at work than I do at home, and that isn’t an issue either. In fact, I sort of enjoy having these different names. The name people know me by depends on who they are to me and when we met. My sense of identity is strangely unaffected.
In some ways, I’m more attached to my username, because I picked it myself and I don’t tell it to everyone. Just the teeming millions…
I also loved my maiden name. It was distinguished sounding, and I had gotten fond of it after 33 years of use. I also wasn’t super crazy about my husband’s last name - it’s Polish with not a lot of vowels. Another complicating factor was that I had been practicing law under that name for five years, and had built a professional reputation associated with it.
I did ultimately decide to take my husband’s name, though, and it was surprisingly uncomplicated. It took me a couple of months to get used to it, and I felt a little sad about it for a week or two, but now I don’t regret it at all. Five years later, my new name is completely natural to me and I have the same last name as my two kids, which was the main reason for my decision.
My wife took my last name but changed her middle name to be her maiden name. No hyphens and she still got to keep her name. So it shows up on all the important documents like property deeds and our daughter’s birth certificate. But her name hasn’t be come so long it needs two lines on a business card.
If you’re bothered by it, I agree with Heart of Dorkness that you don’t have to do it right away. I know a couple of people who waited to decide; it’s not a big deal.
I know various people who have done various things (some friends changed, I didn’t, some hyphenated), and I only know one person who regretted her decision. So, whatever you choose, it’ll almost certainly be okay.
I have found that hyphenated names often cause confusion when we are trying to look them up in the computer. You never know how someone put it when they filled out paperwork, or if the person who did the data entry used a space, a hyphen, or misunderstood it as a middle name, whatever.
You’ve got enough on your plate right now to not be worrying about changing your name. You don’t have to change it immediately, take your time and do it if and when you feel ready.
Personally I had no hesitation in changing my name, but then I had a maiden name that made me the subject of a fair amount of teasing as a child, so it had quite a lot of ‘baggage’.
I did not change my name when I got married. It was fine with Mr. S (and he actually preferred that I didn’t, because he didn’t want people thinking he’d married another person who shares my first name). I’m not particularly attached to my surname either except for having had it all my life. It’s not distinctive. It’s just comfortable and I would have felt weird changing it. I also avoided all the pain-in-the-ass paperwork.
That said, I feel just as married having a different last name. You show that you’re married when you wear your wedding band, or when you refer to your husband, or when you list him as “spouse” on a form. If other people have a problem with that, then they just need to join the 21st century. Married women do not HAVE to be Mrs. Hisname, and it’s becoming more and more common. And with the increasing diversity of blended families, I think it’s also becoming less uncommon for kids and parents to have different surnames. It isn’t (or at least shouldn’t be) a big deal.
My experience is that I didn’t change my name. I have nothing against those who do, but I personally wanted to keep mine. It’s been mine all my life, it’s unique, it connects me to my old family (my marriage connects me to my husband, obviously) and why should I change it if I don’t want to?
My husband didn’t understand why people feel they have to either, so he didn’t care at all. My mom, on the other hand, still “doesn’t approve”. :rolleyes:
I am attached to my last name as it identifies me with respect to my ethnic identity and nationality and I was getting married to a white guy whose last name is french and very rare in the US. So when I initially got married I kept my last name but it became harder to check in hotels and things where if you had the same last name you didn’t have problems. **
So when I started going through the American immigration process I decided to take on his last name and make my last name my middle name. When you finally apply for US citizenship they ask you exactly how you want to spell your whole name so you can choose then as well if you are going that route. Our daughter has my last name as part as her middle name and has his last name. My signature hasn’t changed but its not legible so you can’t make out the words.
**I once went to get breakfast on the club floor in a hotel and was in my pjs and when i came to my room the key wouldn’t swipe so the security let me in but I needed to show id that this was my room. And so then I had a different last name. They couldn’t let me in and I had to call him, pull him out of the work site he was at that was nearby and have him come verify that this lady (me) was allowed to be in his room. Changing my name and now I never have this issue.
When I got married, I wanted to have the same last name as my husband, but it would have resulted in me having the same name as a recognizable historical figure, and I really didn’t want that. I also had a certain amount of identity wrapped up in my last name.
Eventually, my husband took my last name to avoid these issues. At first it was a little weird with his family and friends but, by now, everyone has accepted it and many of his acquaintances have never know him as anything else. The process is the same for a man as a woman (except for the strange looks that all the officials give you ). His mom still writes his old name on checks and what not, but I don’t think she ever really liked me.
Otherwise, I know plenty of people who waited to change their name. One of my friends waited over two years. It wasn’t a big deal. She started using the name before she changed it officially, to see how she felt about it.
My last name was unusual and a pain-in-the-ass to spell and have everyone who encountered it mis-spell (and I do mean EVERYONE - I’m not sure if anyone ever guessed the spelling right from just hearing it - they couldn’t get it right after I spelled it for them), so I was just as happy to dump it. I have since discovered since taking my husband’s fairly common last name that people are just stupid - if our last name was Smith, a lot of people ask, “Snith?” No, genius, it’s the name you have heard a million times, not the one you just made up because your brain is not functioning.
My husband took my last name, as well. I didn’t want to change mine, and he felt strongly that as a family we should all have the same last name. So he changed his. Everyone is happy. OP, in your situation I don’t think I’d change my name. There’s always time later if you decide differently.
I went from allegedly unpronounceable and spellable German last name to “Carter.” I told my husband that even if we divorced, I was keeping Carter. It’s so much easier.
If I get remarried, I’ll probably want to keep Carter in some way–either as my last name or hyphenated or something.
Another complicating factor was that I had been practicing law under that name for five years, and had built a professional reputation associated with it.
). His mom still writes his old name on checks and what not, but I don’t think she ever really liked me.