I graduated from college in 2003. A year later, completely out of the blue, a friend of my mother’s, who lives halfway across the country and whom I’ve never met, sent me a check for fifty dollars. In her card, she said that she was sorry she’d sent it so late, but that she hoped I was doing well, etc. I’m not sure why she bothered to send it a year late, but in either case I never cashed it, because by the time I received it, I had a good job and didn’t feel right about getting a handout from someone I didn’t even know. I didn’t send her a thank-you note either - I meant to, but I kept putting it off and I just never got around to doing it.
The other day I was organizing some papers and found the check. This time, however, I’d like to cash it because I’m starting grad school in August and need every spare dollar I can get. Do you guys think it’s all right if I cash the check now and write her a “belated thank-you note”, or do you think it’s tacky to cash checks only when the recipient needs the money? I was also thinking of writing to her and asking if it’s all right to do so now, but I feel weird having my only correspondence with a dear friend of my mother’s be about something as petty as fifty bucks. I feel like I’d almost be saying to her, “Will this put you in dire financial straits if I cash this, even though I know you’re doing all right for yourself - I just wanted to ask?”
Well, you almost certainly can’t cash the check. Most banks won’t take them after six months, so two years old? Forget about it.
If you want a chance at the $50, write a nice note to the lady, about how nice it was of her to send you the money, but that you hadn’t cashed it because you had a good job and didn’t want to take money you didn’t need, and so you’re returning her check.
And then casually go on to mention how you’ve now decided to once again become a starving student… yadda yadda yadda.
I think you’re right in that the fact you’ve left it so long makes it a little more awkward to cash it. However, I think you still could, based on the following. Since she sent it to you a year late, the likelihood is she won’t mind you cashing it a year late(r still) - if you make contact with her and explain the situation, she’ll likely recognise a kindred spirit (procrastination-wise) and laugh it off happily. This is just from personal experience (being a chronic procrastinator myself, I don’t mind other people doing the same ) - YMMV. Also, I’d say it’s worth getting in touch anyway, first to say thanks, and to check her circumstances haven’t changed and she now can’t afford it. Personally, I hate when I write a check with a healthy bank balance, and it isn’t cashed until I’m in the red! Good luck!
Not sending a thank you note is tacky, but it’s not too late for you to remedy that.
From a practical standpoint, it’s possible and perhaps likely that your friend’s mother has stopped payment on the check, so your cashing it a year later may cause her (and you) to incur fees. If you want that money my suggestion would be to write a thank you note that includes a good round up of what’s been going on in your life, closing with a query about the cashability of the check along the lines of “I stuck it in a drawer and lost track of it and I wanted to be sure it was still all right for me to cash it.” Then wait to hear back before you do anything.
Just IMHO, but a check given for an event like this is not a “handout”. It’s a gift given to celebrate a happy event–it’s a token amount you could even blow on something fun if you wanted. I make a good living but my parents still send me money for celebration of holidays, etc.
It was rather rude to reject her gift (it wasn’t a handout) in the first place, though I think your intentions were good. You can’t cash a check a year later without contacting the person to let them know you’re going to do it–because they figured a long time ago that you weren’t going to do it, and you might end up causing them an overdraft. And it would be quite socially awkward to call her up and ask permission to do it.
You have one potential out. If you wrote a belated thank-you note, and profusely apologized for the tardiness, that should give her a heads-up that you’re going to cash it. But, like a phone call, this would be awkward. The message is still there that her gift wasn’t good enough to require immediate attention. (Belated gifts, on the other hand, are OK up to a year after the event, mostly because no one is obligated to send a gift but a thank-you note is a must.) I would feel too ashamed of myself to cash the check at this point, but it’s kind of an etiquette gray area (leaning heavily to the black side).
First of all, how desperate are you for the $50? I mean, is this life or death, or is this to buy some new CDs?
I personally would just write it off, and shame on you for not writing or calling to say thank you.
That said, if you really, really, really need the money…you can do what any good politician would do - lie.
Call her and, all amazed, tell her, “guess what just arrived in the mail YESTERDAY!?”
Laugh at the inept US Postal service and ask if she wants you to send the check back or what? Oh, and this time, maybe you can squeeze out a shread of tact and THANK HER first?
Send her a thank you note for she check she sent to you. Include an apology for not thanking her before. Don’t make up an excuse. Just say you’re sorry. I might add something like ‘Usually I’m not so thoughtless.’
Tear up the check, and return it with the note. Explain ‘How could I possibly cash this check now, when I forgot to send you a thank you note in the first place?’
She will appreciate finally getting a thank you. Even more, she will be so happy that her close friend halfway across the country has raised such a well-mannered, considerate child.
I think that you’ve forfeited the right to cash the check when you: (1) decided to not cash it in the first place; and (2) did not send a thank you note. It was very considerate of your mother’s friend to send you the money and you returned that kindness without an expression of gratitute. Send a nice thank you note now with the original check enclosed. Just say that you failed to cash the check (the truth) and that you are not sure that the check is good anymore (again the truth). Then if she sends you another check, great. If not, you did the right thing.
I don’t consider it good ettiquette to return a gift because one doesn’t need it. If I were you, I would right her a very nice thank you letter; it was very considerate of her to remember you, even if it was a year later.
If you really don’t want the money, donate it to a worthy charity.
The check is probably worthless at this point - it’s old. There will be no money to donate. Returning the check will let the giver know that it will not be cashed. She may have been wondering why her checkbook hasn’t balanced for the last year.
Regardless of what you decide to do about the check, send her a belated thank-you note. Better late than never. Given that she was disorganized enough to wait a year before sending the gift, I’m sure she’ll understand. And it can’t hurt to stay on her good side–after all, she sends money to people she hasn’t met!
Well, I’ll be stern here as befits an etiquette-head. You have already returned this woman’s kindness with rudeness twice and you’re looking for permission to be rude to her a third time. Not good. Her gift to you wasn’t late – gifts are never mandatory and so, can’t really ever be late. Your response to her gift was to:
reject it. “I don’t need a handout” is just about the rudest possible response to a gift.
fail to thank her for it. And, unlike gifts, thank yous can be late. And this one is very, VERY late. A thank you is due as soon as possible after a gift is received.
and now you are seeking to:
ask her for another gift. She gave you $50 a year ago. You rejected that gift by purposefully failing to cash the check. You can’t retrieve the gift now, by cashing the check – even if the bank would let you, this would certainly screw up her accounting, and possibly cause her to become overdrawn at her bank. And if you call her for permission to cash the check, that’s asking her for a gift, which is never polite. The implication would be pretty clear – “I didn’t need a handout last year, so I rejected your gift and ignored your kind gesture. but I’m kind of poor right now, so I’d like the $50 after all.” As I said, not good.
CBCD’s advice on this was the best – you still owe her a thank you and now you owe her an apology too. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll resend you the check. If she does, please, PLEASE, send her a second, very sincere and vehement, thank you right away.
If you can’t stomach that, try DMark’s plan. The Postal Service has been taking the heat for other people’s rudenesses for years. And, because things do get lost in the mail, the lady will never be able to be 100% sure you’re lying – although she will almost certainly suspect it. Anyway, you’ll save face and she’ll have some closure about the check that’s been messing up her checkbook for a year. And she’ll get that long overdue thank you for her kindness.
) - YMMV. Also, I’d say it’s worth getting in touch anyway, first to say thanks, and to check her circumstances haven’t changed and she now can’t afford it. Personally, I hate when I write a check with a healthy bank balance, and it isn’t cashed until I’m in the red! Good luck!