Dear Eve,
I just checked my post above and I realise I forgot to write Dear Eve, dear. Eve, forgive me. It reads churlish, when it was meant to be concise, dear Eve.
DearEveboss
Dear Redboss—I don’t know what floor, but apparently you live at the Cheslea Hotel. And I am sorry to say it is merely the mock (and only Asbury Park . . .)
Dear Miss Creant—If the Elvis impersonator at your first wedding did “Young Elvis,” then it follows that this one should be allowed the jumpsuit iof his choice. If Mr. Cynical shows up in white, however . . .
Dear Leechbabe—Why not get him the James M. Cain book containing the original novels Double Indemnity, The Postman Always Rings Twice and Mildred Pierce? He’s probably seen the films, but he’s unlikely to have read the books.
Dear Michael—Yes, some, and they probably follow the Chicago Manual of Style.
Dear Redboss—Quite forgiven, dear.
Damn. “Chelsea” Hotel.
Dear Eve,
I write you with a difficult question. Emily Post, in her 1934 edition, tells us that if we are having a soire', and we will be having 20 or more teenage boys or young men, We should consider purchasing a keg of beer. How should this ratio be calculated in the current political and legal environment?
Also, how much “chronic bud” and “X” should I buy if I will have 28 boys and 21 girls at my party.
Signed,
Parents Are On Vacation
Atlanta
Dear Smeg—I suggest that if you are having these impressionable youngsters to your house, the last thing you should do is indulge them with a “kegger.” Why not introduce them to some truly interesting vices, like “kicking the gong around,” absinthe, or a reading of the brand-new translation of the Kama Sutra? It will be a night the kids will remember!
Dear Eve,
I know this is last minute, but you must help me.
I am hosting a delightful little soire tomorrow evening and am having the most dreadful time.
Does one serve snowcones in a martini glass or a champagne flute?
Thank you ever so much
Lyllyan
Dear Lyllyan—Martini glass. They’d melt too quickly in a champagne flute, But be sure to hold the glass by the stem and not the bowl, to slow melting further. And furnish the guests with elegant little glass spoons to get all the snowconey goodness!
Dear Eve,
I am in a quandry. If I should happen upon some kind of pit or unswallowable seed during a seventeen course meal should I spit the offending pit across the table, trying for my table mates champagne flute? Or should I quietly just spit it down into my cleavage?
You are my only hope.
Signed,
Frazzled at the Fete.
Dear Shirley—
Emily Post answer: lift your napkin subtly to your lips and expel the offending pit.
Three Stooges answer: see if you can take out the hostess’ tiara.
Roseanne Rosannadanna answer: spit it into your hand and loudly go, “Hey! What the hell is this? Was this supposed to be in there? It looks kinda brown. Ah thought it might be somethin’ I ate last night that just worked its way to th’ front of my mouth . . .” and keep going till Jane Curtin shuts you up.
Dear Eve,
If I ever get the opportunity to meet you would you prefer a simple handshake and curtsy or the yelling of “I’m not worthy” while salaaming?
Nausicaa
Dear Nausicca—Money is always nice.
Oh, lawdy, it’s Friday afternoon and I am about to head out for the weekend. Now that this has made Threadspotting, I dread to think of what will be awaiting me on my return Monday morning!
So, one is dating and the person one is seeing blasphemes and claims to loathe Annie Lennox and the Eurythmics. Am I bound by the conventions of etiquette to kill them where they stand?
Perhaps you could have a “herbal tea and yoga” party. The girls will certainly enjoy themselves and the boys, while not directly involved, will undoubtedly find it entertaining as well.
Dear Eve,
If I’m at a party with Shirley would it be too impolite to retrieve the seed from her cleavage?
Also, I seem to be having a problem with proper stalking etiquitte. When stalking someone (i.e. a major celebrity such as Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton [not that I can actually tell which one is which]) would it be proper to send them letters and gifts before moving into the peeping-tom stage? Or are there other stages which I am not aware of, such as hanging around their neighborhood for awhile and camping in the nearest park? Your help is appreciated as I really enjoy my hobby and would love to get my hands on one of Nicole Kidman’s socks.
BlueMit
Dear Eve,
I am soon to be gainfully employed for the first time in my adult life in a profession that pays salary above the minimum wage and yet does not involve public shame, save that of being a barrister.
As I will have extra income, I am thinking of submitting to the “lasik eye procedure”, as is the current fashion. However, my fellows have fervently urged that I not do so, lest i be diven to madness or stricken completely blind upon gazing for the first time at the women which I have been courting. Apparently this is a secret which has been kept from me for some time.
I feel I may have hit upon a solution, however. If I remain “in my cups”, as they say, during all of my waking hours I may yet enjoy clear vision and yet inoculate my myself against my dalliances with the less than fair among the fairer sex. This should work out well, as I have been leaning in this direction for quite some time at any rate. Is this ne’ertheless inadvisable?
Very truly yours,
p. (esq)
Dear Eve
A show called Dirty Blonde, which supposedly revolves around Mae West in some way, is opening in Seattle this week. Have you seen this? Should I? Or would I be better off seeing Harvey Fierstein in the musical Hairspray? (Harvey’s in the Divine role.)
Also, what 's the proper dress for a subway mugging?
Dear Eve,
I am getting flamed for posting this in the pit so I thought I’d ask you for advice. How does one deal with the revelation that a poster on the messageboard one frequents is actually a business associate? Does one confront said poster with this knowledge, and ask about the state of the poster’s hemorrhoids, etc or does one use this for leverage in salary negotiations?
Dear Eve,
Thank-you for your prompt and gracious reply, I will most assuredly investigate this option. It does however lead me to another set of questions:
If one is organizing their beloved’s book collection into a small semblance of order should one catalogue in alphabetical order by author? Or should on first catalogue by subject i.e. non fiction works on serial killers, plays, novels, comic books etc and then catalogue by author?
And if one is then to continue with the cataloguing in the video and CD library should items starting with a number be kept separately at the beginning of the collection or filed under the appropriate letter e.g. 2 would be in the ‘T’ section.
Finally can one request payment from one’s SO for this work as the various collections are quite large and what terms should payment be made in?
With Thanks and anticipation,
Yours Reverently
Leechbabe.
Dear Eve,
Happy Good Monday Morning To You!
Which is considered appropriate for my guest bathroom: one or two ply? Maxim * or * Highlights?
Signed,
The end is near
Howabout highlights from Maxim?