Dear Eve,
Is my gut reaction of nervousness and wanting to eat normal right after I see that a certain person n my ICQ list is online?
Desperately Seeking Answers,
Flamsterette_X
Gosh all gumdrops. Wonder if Salon wants a new advice columnist?
Dear Hastur—Merely tie them up in a seductive way, then play Annie Lennox and the Eurythmics records for them till they come around to Your Way of Thinking.
Dear BlueMitt—May I suggest building an unhealthy shrine to Messrs. Pullman and Paxton in your bedroom or garage? You know, photos, candles, underwear; something to frighten the neighbors and assure you will never have a relationship with an actual person.
Dear Pravnik—Not only does the very THOUGHT of eye surgery give me the vapors, but I too have found my failing vision to be a boon. Everyone looks like Cybill Shepherd in Moonlighting to me. If I realized how wrinkled and hideous everyone was, I would be appalled. Plus, I can gaze at myself in the mirror and imagine I still have the dewy complexion of a 25-year-old. If your visison is THAT bad, I suggest a lorgnette if you are a woman, or a monocle if you’re a man.
Dear Lawoot—Who is playing in Dirty Blonde? If it’s the show’s originator (Claudia Shear), rush to see it. Otherwise, settle for Hairspray.
Dear Psychobunny—Encountering an acquaintance on a message board is much like running into a married friend with his mistress. You “do not know each other.”
Dear Leechbabe—ALWAYS ask the SO before fiddling with his or her books and CDs. That has been the cause of more break-ups than sex. You may not ask for money in repayment, but there ARE “other ways” in which you may get, umm, restitution.
Dear Shirley—Good morning back. Two-ply, and More magazine (and a Sears Roebuck’s catalog just in case you run out of two-ply).
Dear Flamserette—I regret to say I have not the vaguest idea what you are talking about.
Eve!
I’m back. The dinner thing didn’t go so well.
But now I’m meeting for drinks tomorrow at 4PM at a Marriott hotel in Northern Virginia to get checked out for a top dog position at a new publication.
Question: They define themselves a ‘paleo-conservative’ and we’re meeting in a bar. What do I wear to impress them and what topics of conversation should I aim towards or avoid!
Dear Jonathan—Sorry about that dinner. “Paleo-conservative,” huh? I’d stick with that dark business suit, white shirt and spectacular silk tie. Order bourbon (only one) and maybe talk about how heartbroken you were at Barbara Olsen’s untimely death?
Eve,
Can you suggest a name for a Masai cow? Also, how should one decorate its pen?