Inspired by this thread: Have you ever attempted to bribe someone and have it backfire? As in, you’re given your money back along with a stern look? You’re threatened with legal action? Your money is taken and you don’t get what you wanted in the first place?
A thread where people post about committing illegal acts?
I don’t think so.
Reopened.
Yay!
Now, to answer the OP: no.
No, you’ve never bribed someone?
Or no, you’ve never had a bribe attempt backfire?
No; the closest thing was in high school when a cop thought I was trying to bribe him. I had been pulled over, and I was kind of nervous and not thinking straight. (I was young and innocent.) I pulled out my wallet to get out my driver’s license, and in my confusion opened the part with the money in it. I was on my way to get a stereo installed in my car, so had a couple of hundred in cash, which I stupidly and mechanically started going through trying to figure out exactly what it was that I pulled my wallet out for. The cop said something like, “No, just give me your driver’s license.” He clearly thought I was trying to entice him with $$. That could conceivably have ended badly. Ironically, as noted in the other thread, I have paid successful bribes since then (although never to avoid a legitimate legal penalty; it was always a third-world ‘grease the wheels’ type of situation).
This one was kinda weird, but back in the '80s a deputy in Kern county popped me for doing 99 mph on hwy 99 (I thought it was funny). I knew the guy slightly through a friend, and I knew he liked good smoke. So I went into my trunk and handed him a half oz of primo. A ticket for 100 mph on what amounts to a big city street can be a big thing.
Anyway, he took it and handed me back a ticky for 80 in a 65.
Fucker!
That’s the only time for me.
Not me, but…
I was once representing a Russian ship’s master. He was being investigated by authorities over a certain maritime incident. After the interview was over, he asked the authorities to wait and then disappeared off into his cabin. I heard clinking noises. I jumped up and followed him into his cabin. He was getting out a few bottles of Smirnoff and cognac (good stuff) to give to the investigating officers. I persuaded him that in this country, doing this might be perceived in the wrong way and it was a very bad idea. He took a fair bit of convincing but eventually relented.
A decade or so later I sat next to one of the investigating officers at a dinner. He’d retired by then. I told him this story. He expressed annoyance at me stopping him getting the booze. He was only partly joking.
So was Czarcasm successfully bribed to reopen the thread? 
Just how lucrative is being a mod on this board? And who do I “talk to” if I want to become one?
Youse gonna wanna see Don Vito Corleone. Come bearing gifts.
I hear they get some kind of Magic Coffee Mug.
ETA: Meant to add, comparing this thread to the “successful bribes” thread makes me wonder whether the vast majority of bribes are successful.
A generous tip at an eatery you go to frequently is a bribe, and it does pay off. My daughter used to wait tables, and she tells me you should be sure your server knows you tip good, and she says that it does pay off. They’ll kinda watch out for you.
But sometimes if you way over-tip, the server will be suspicious and might avoid you. Especially if you’re a guy, and you take the money up to her.
She say’s that tip stealing by another employee is unusual.
I got stopped today for doing 80 in a 65. Actually I was doing just over 75, but she rounded up. I thought about this thread while she was writing me up, but I chickened out. I think I’ll take this one to court. Maybe if I get a cute old woman for a judge I can use some 64 year old charm and get it dismissed.
Now that can be dangerous. 
One time many years ago (Statute of Limitations definitely has run out), I had spent a wild weekend (ostensibly to go fishing) on the Florida Gulf Coast with some buddies. Heading out of town on Sunday morning, hung over as all get out, we stopped in a convenience store to get a 12 pack. Well, duh, it was Sunday (we weren’t sure about what the law was at the time). The clerk said sorry, we don’t sell on Sunday. I waved a 10 in front of him and asked if he was sure about that. He said yes. Then another friend of mine threw a 20 on the counter and said “then we’re stealing it!”, and we left with the 12 pack.
That’s pretty risky, because your buddy really was stealing the beer. The twenty wasn’t really even an issue, since he gave it to the clerk. I’d have pocketed the cash and called the cops just to cover my own ass.
Freakin’ juicers!
Well, yeah, I figured as much. See, my approach was a good, clean all-American bribe. My friend behaved uncouthly, and I roundly admonished him for his transgression. Then he handed my a cold one and all was forgiven once we crossed the state line.
In terms of crime, this is small beer.
Aha! An unfamiliar metaphor:
At least to me.
Unless you meant literally, but they were 20’s.