Ever had to "break up" with a friend?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I had a workplace friend. A guy. We ate lunch together–usually with one or two other people–and occassionally, with the same people, we’d go to the movies or hangout somewhere. Our work stations were right next to each other, so we’d often chitchat and tease each other while we were working.

Once I brought him along with me on a weekend getaway to a former professor’s vacation house–just because I knew he’d enjoy being on a barrier island, out in the middle of nowhere. The invitation was a big thing for me as I could have easily gone by myself (it was my first inclination), but I wanted to break from my boring routine and share my adventures with someone else for a change. I knew trusting someone else with my free time would be a huge step for me.

The trip should have been my first clue that this guy wouldn’t make the best of friends. Everything was going fine until the second day, when my professor decided to give us a tour of the island. We did the two-hour drive, soaking up all the scenery, and then headed back to his house (trailer) to crash for a bit. I was staying with a friend who happened to be staying in a trailer next to the prof’s, and I went in to check on her. My work friend, in the meantime, disappeared. I went looking for him and couldn’t find him. Thinking he was doing his own thing and that he knew where to find me, I took a nap on my friend’s couch. Fast forward an hour and the guy is seething and pouting like a two-year-old (extended bottom lip and everything) because he felt “abandoned”. I felt guilt for what I had done (in retrospect, I didn’t do anything wrong…as I had searched for him all over creation and had yelled out his name) but I also felt a little anxious about this friendship. If he was this sensitive, just how long could we last before one of us got tired?

Two rocky years go by of him accusing me of petty sins and me apologizing because I don’t know what else to do, but then forgive-and-forgetting and everything being alright for a while. Despite maintaining the friendship, I only allowed us to socialize when there were others around because I enjoyed him better when I had a buffer between us and his volatile emotions. Then this summer, out of the blue, the guy accuses me of hating him and he doesn’t show up to work because of it. Why does he think I hate him? Because upon entry into the lab one morning, I said a general greeting, not one just to him. My lack of special attention to him in the workplace was tantamount to hatred.

It was the final straw. I had to break our friendship because he clearly wanted more out of me than a friend, but couldn’t handle what I was willing to give him. The “breakup” slowly destroyed him and he had something of a nervous breakdown. The boss had to fire him. It was a sad episode in my life–especially since I did enjoy him as a friend–and I’m afraid to say that it has ruined me against plutonic relationships. It was too much drama with too little benefit.

22

The only friend I’ve ever “broken up” with was a guy I’d known for about 12 years. He cheated on his wife to sleep with my girlfriend. When I found out, I called him, cussed at him for what seemed like an eternity but wasn’t long enough, and ended the conversation by saying I hoped to never talk to him or see him ever again.

And that was that. Different from the OP since this was actually 1 act that I found to be unforgivable, followed by a big “it’s over”, rather than just a gradual decline. I’ve had the “gradually declining” friendships too, but usually it’s just because we changed as people and I’m always happy to run into old friends out in public or shoot them an email to catch up. The only one that left me with a bad taste in my mouth was the cheater mentioned above.

23

Yup. Not so often that I’ve figured out how to do it with total aplomb, but a few times. Same root cause in the few cases - I begin to get the feeling that I’m simply being used by the other person - helping them out whenever they need it, but they can’t even bother to keep promised appointments and seldom want to hang out.

In both cases that come to immediate memory, the severing of the friendship was marked by a returning of borrowed property. Also in both cases, I remain ‘friendly’ acquaintances with the person in question.

Basically, I just no longer worry about them or give them any special consideration at all, and we occasionally talk or hang out and everything’s fine. But they stopped asking me for stuff, and I stopped expecting them to reciprocate.

24

Yeah, I think that’s my point. I mean, presumably after your friend slept with your SO (and was made aware that you knew about it), there was really no doubt in either of your minds (a) that the friendship was over, and (b) WHY the friendship was over.

But in other situations, sure, there might be a “moment” for you, but that moment might not be clear to the ex-friend. Like in the examples given by **Zoe, monstro, ladybug, Ferret Herder, ** and lorene. In those cases, the ex-friends seem kind of out of touch with reality, and so while it is evident to all of US why those friendships ended, those ex-friends might not get it, and might NEED an explanation (which they could then consider wholly unreasonable, but that’s another issue).

And those are the situations that are the trickiest; possibly even tricker than “I just don’t enjoy your company anymore” situations, because in the Butt-Crazy Friend situation, you’re risking your own damn sanity if you continue to have contact with that person. In the latter situation, though, you’re just risking a boring phone conversation or the occasional Sacrificial Lunch ™.

Anyway, I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m a big chicken when it comes to cutting off people who are just kind of mildly annoying, but who haven’t committed any serious transgressions.

25

This is not my story, it’s my fiancee’s. Long before she ever met me, she used to be a part of a rowing club and was at the docks for practice every morning at 5:30 a.m. She got into double sculls (I may have the terminology, wrong: it’s when there are only two rowers and you each have two oars). Her rowing partner was a young man about her age.

They became very, very good friends. They had a lot in common and they enjoyed the same activities, and as a result of their practices and regattas, they spent a significant amount of time together. They also started occasionally spending time together socially. They were so comfortable in each other’s presence, that most people assumed they were a steady, long-term couple.

That was the problem. At the time, she was already in a long-term relationship and living with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was not jealous and trusted her implicitly, and she of course never cheated on him. However, the dynamic that had grown between her and her rowing partner was very relationship-like. It stopped feeling like they were “just friends” and she felt that it was threatening her relationship because her heart was becoming confused. She had to have a discussion with her rowing friend and they sadly agreed it would be for the best if they stopped spending social time together and found other rowing partners.

She said it was very sad because neither of them had done anything “wrong”. On the more positive side, she ran into him not long ago, and now they occasionally go out for coffee.

26

Yeah, one of my childhood friends. We did alot of drugs back in my younger days and then I got to the point where I wanted to be sober. He didn’t and continued his spiral down. He was a great friend but I told him I just couldn’t be around drugs anymore. We would make halfassed commitments to hang out but none of it never really went through over the next couple years and eventually just lost track.

27

uhhh…no.
Usually if one of us doesn’t like the other, you just allow the friendship to naturally drift apart. Most friendships require effort.

You tell an ex “I hope we can still be friends”. What do you tell an ex-friend - “I hope we can still be acquaintences”?

28

“I hope you’ll still consider all of my lovers off-limits to you sexually.” :smiley:

29

Just drifting apart is one thing, and that happens often enough.

In the one experience I had as an adult where a friendship broke down messily, after an initial period during which we were so angry and hurt with each other that we had no contact, she e-mailed me with an apology. I accepted, and told her that although I wished her well, it was probably not realistic for us to resume our friendship. Here’s the acquaintance bit. I also said that I hoped we would be able to treat each other amicably if we ever bumped into each other.

Seriously, it is six years on and I still don’t think I’d be able to have anything more than a superficial conversation with her without wanting to rehash the rights and wrongs of what happened. It’s not as raw as it used to be, but that whole business was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life, far worse than any break up with a boyfriend.

So far we haven’t bumped into each other, as we live in different hemispheres, but it’s possible that we might cross paths again some day.

30

I had a friend that I had to cut off a few years ago, for my own sanity. We’d known each other since we were eight, and while she was never the life of any party, for the last year or so that we were friends, she could suck the joy out of a room in 2.7 seconds.

She was always miserable, and she never had anything nice to say about anything or anyone. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was her bitching about my boyfriend, who had often done her favors way above and beyond the call of friend’s-boyfriend-duty, and *never once * complained about her tagging along when frankly, we’d have had a much better time without her.

She’d been diagnosed as clinically depressed a few years before that, so I kept hanging in there, but she balked at taking her meds, and one day it occurred to me that the only time she ever appeared happy was when she was making someone else miserable. Depressed is one thing, mean is another. So I told her that I wished her well, but I no longer enjoyed her company, and wasn’t willing to listen to her piss and moan anymore.

31

I had a guy friend (same one who set me up with that abysmal blind date) who married a
fire-and-brimstone Fundy Christian, and didn’t have the balls to stand up to her, even tho I
suspected he wasn’t quite into the dogma as she was. After several visits to their apartment,
with her trying to proselytize me, doing things like destroying “The Devil’s Music” (various CDs
from the likes of the Beatles and Fleetwood Mac) in my presence, I decided to say the hell with
it.

32

[thread hijack] Glad to hear I’m not the only one who’s like this! The past few semesters have been rough, and I haven’t been able to keep in touch with friends as much as I would like. The people who matter to me understand though. [/thread hijack]

My mom’s best friend of 16 years severed their friendship last year after a sudden three-week silence. Based on their last conversation, Mom thought something was wrong, and tried calling her…the woman finally returned Mom’s call, cursing and screaming at her for several minutes. This effectively severed my friendships with both of the woman’s sons as well. Mom is now going through the stage of donating or throwing out everything this ex-friend gave her…but this ex-friend gave me presents, too. I’m wondering if Mom is going to expect me to get rid of these gifts (glass swizzle sticks and other pretty cocktail accessories, Fiestaware plates, a crystal candy dish). I’m keeping them; though I don’t think very much of this person anymore, her gifts were thoughtful and useful.

33

Ohhhh, I had that friend. In fact, she’s one of the people with whom I tried to sever ties by just never really talking to her (which became a lot easier when she moved out of state, but she persisted with the emails for far longer than she should have). And while I must say that I do have a pretty damn good life, she’s the only person I ever wanted to make believe that my life was hearts-and-flowers-and-babies’-butts PERFECT, because it pissed her off so much.

So while I might not think a thing about telling any number of other friends that I was having work stress, or self-doubt, or that I thought my new boyfriend might be blowing me off, or hell - even that I had a painful paper cut, I NEVER shared any of that stuff with her, because she simply couldn’t hide her glee about it.

So basically I was lying my ass off to her most of the time, and what kind of friendship is that?

34

Huh. Interesting. When I started this thread, I guess I was looking for confirmation that some people DO find ending a friendship harder than breaking up with a love interest . . .

. . . but it never occurred to me that, as sometimes happens when romantic couples split up, the end of a friendship can also mean that mutual friends (or relatives) end up getting divided up into “camps”.

35

In the interests of fairness, wasson, what did you have to say to your girlfriend about her part in the affair?

36

Ugh. Sadly, my friend was so much more insidious than that. She’s the kind of person who, when you tell her something good, tries to convince you that it’s actually NOT good.

Got a promotion? “Well that’s an awful lot more responsibility, I don’t think that raise is enough. You’re getting screwed, really.” Kid made honor role? “Well, it’s not like it’s a really demanding curriculum, is it?” Lost 20 lbs? “Don’t you worry about what that’s gonna do to your neck? Nothing worse than wattle.” Boyfriend sending you on a spa weekend? “Don’t you wonder why he wants you out of town?”

Really, it’s amazing that no one ever throttled her.

37

Certainly true in my case. Maybe none of my romantic breakups have been that traumatic, except maybe for one, but there’s still no comparison with the effect this episode had on me emotionally and psychologically. There is a possibility that the timing was a factor, in that this all happened when I was struggling to cope with a newborn baby, in a new country, away from family and friends, which probably made me more vulnerable to falling off the edge! If it hadn’t been for support and reassurance from my husband and the friends I did have around me, and a couple of counsellors, I probably would have gone completely crazy.

I wondered about returning some gifts and decided against it. She didn’t return any that she’d received from me, so it didn’t come to that. As for friends falling into camps - I’ve lost touch with some of the friends we had in common, mainly because I’m living on the other side of the world, but it does sometimes occur to me that she may have turned them against me, even if officially we buried the hatchet.

Certainly when I did see those friends and told them my side of the story, I didn’t expect them to take my side and ostracise her. I never thought I was completely blameless - I was put in a difficult situation and wasn’t able to handle it well.

The only lesson I learned is never to invite a person who has recently come out of a severe depression and is still on quite powerful medication to stay in your house when you have a three-month old baby, no matter how much they insist, and no matter how bad you feel about saying no.

38

I’m currently going through what might be a friend break-up. This guy (who for the sake of clarity I’ll dub “Aaron”) has been basically my best friend since the middle of high school, about eight years. He’s got what can best be described as an abrasive personality, he constantly makes fun of people and puts others down to promote himself. Despite this, Aaron’s a fun guy to be around, and he’s really popular. He has a whole bunch more friends than I do, although we have a number of common friends and I’ve met friends through him.

Anyway, about six months ago I started going out with my current girlfriend (yeah, I know how this sounds like it’s going, but bear with me) who was schoolfriends with Frank, a friend of Aaron’s who I had also become friendly with. My girlfriend has a three-year-old daughter. About two months back my girlfriend and Frank had a big fight and a falling out, and haven’t spoken since. I stayed out of it with both my girlfriend and Frank remaining friends with me, a situation all seemed to be happy with.

Except Aaron, my supposedly best friend, who apparently felt that now was the best time to make clear his intense dislike for my girlfriend that he’d been harbouring since I started dating her. I guess he felt that now that she wasn’t friends with Frank it was open season, which didn’t say much about his respect for me. He started viciously insulting not my girlfriend, but her daughter, calling her ugly and encouraging others to gang up on her and call her ugly, a mistake, and an illegitimate child. The worst part is, this was all done online (on LiveJournal, basically the worst place to conduct a fight), and when I saw Aaron in person or spoke to him on the phone he’d never mention it, and act all friendly.

Eventually his vitriolic rants dragged in my girlfriend, who he called a whore, and finally me once I stood up for my girlfriend and her daughter. He’s got this obsession with men being ‘owned’ by their girlfriends, and thought that I was whipped because I was standing up for the people I loved against his unwarranted abuse. Anyway, I called him up to ask why he was making such insulting remarks, and his response was basically “because I’m enjoying it.” When I asked if he cared that he was also insulting and upsetting me, he said “well you’re in the minority”. I hung up on him and haven’t spoken to him since. The contempt he revealed he had for me at that point was basically the breaking point.

And yeah, it’s hard. There’s a whole bunch of people I like who I knew through Aaron, and basically won’t get to see them again. We did a lot of things together, we ran websites together, and now it all has to be broken off. I really don’t want to speak to him until he gets some maturity, but that might be a long time coming.

39

I was the class freak at school, so I never had any friends as a kid/teenager. Then when I was an adult I met a woman a couple of years older than me, who lived near me, we started hanging out, then became proper Friends. Until one day when she gave me dog’s abuse for no reason - said I was ugly, my hair was a mess, I’d embarrassed her in front of “everyone” for kicking up a fuss when her sister had been smoking in front of me (we’d been in a high sided booth in a café and all I’d done was wave the menu discreetly) and a crap load of other stuff that I’ve now forgotten. I didn’t speak to her for months after, then she turned up at my parents house and bawled her eyes out crying over “why won’t you talk to me any more?!” I tentatively started hanging out with her again, one afternoon she asked why I didn’t drop by her flat any more? So I told her I didn’t want another slagging off. She looked completely confused. At the time I could remember word for word what she’d said so I recited it all back to her. She swore blind she’d no idea what I was talking about… We became proper Friends again, and a while later I discovered she had toxic PMS for 8-10 days a month. I put her verbal abuse down to being That Time Of The Month and never mentioned it again.
Several years later I moved back home to Ireland. We kept in contact by post (no email in them days!), then about 4 years later she came over here for a holiday. Within a few days I noticed something I’d not previously been aware of - she was a bully. I started counting the hours till she went home, fully intending to “loose” her address. The day before she was due to leave, she started demanding that I come back to Scotland with her. I refused point blank - I’d hated living there - so then she started insisting that she was going to go home, pack everything into her sisters car and come back over here to live with me. I suggested that wasn’t a good idea, and she started threatening to commit suicide. Now waaay back when I’d first met her she’d admitted that during her relationship with her [ex]boyfriend she’d threatened suicide 3 times (took two overdoses and tried to slash her wrists) when he’d tried to break up with her. I knew there was no future for this friendship so I avoided eye contact, and didn’t make any sudden moves till she left…

She wrote and phoned me 5 times within 72 hours of getting home demanding to know if I’d sorted out a house for us to live in yet…

In the end I wrote to her mother and she finally left me alone

40

Yes, a friend had to break up with me. And I understand and accept it. I’m fucked up and the last thing she needed was me. In moments of our weakness we each bared the unbearable. And it wasn’t good.

I miss her, and hope she and her loves and passions are well. In the endless meaning of well, an eternal and ever giving source and (well)being.