Ever lived next to someone with a serious grudge against you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

(I’m just waiting for the anti-greek “see they aren’t a happy band of brothers” pile on: All i have to say in preface is that no group of people is perfect)

So I live in my fraternity house. Since spring break (Mar 10-18) me and my immediate next door neighbor have had, well, a grudge, for lack of a better word. During spring break, he accused me of “cockblocking”, basically parlance for preventing him from hooking up with a girl. To be quite honest, I was sort of a dick during spring break. I had just suffered a bad break up, I was drunk and turning 21. Maybe I did or did not cockblock him in particular (frankly, I know for a fact he wasn’t getting any from the girl in question anyways), and I know I pissed off some people during that trip. Thing is we (well, not really me and him, but the group of 20 of us) had a lot of good times on that trip too, and I apologized to anybody who ever brought any of my behavior up for being less than stellar that week. For that matter, other people also pulled the same sort of stuff and apologized for it. Hell, people were pissed at him for his behavior.

Anyways, on my birthday (the 17th) I naturally passed out, and he proceeded to shave part of my hair. Luckily for me, since I rather like my hair the way it is, it was essentially unnoticable. But I was still mighty pissed. I had made it clear to the jokers who brought it up that they can joke, but something like that is clearly out of line. To make it worse, when I naturally reacted to this he immediately looked for a fight, he didn’t even have the pretense of finding it funny.

So, this, in addition to the fact that he has had a long history of anger management and drinking issues (usually in combination) convinced me he went off the deep end. That said, I suck at holding grudges, so now about 3 weeks later, i wasn’t too concerned (though I wasn’t being friendly either) with the whole damn thing, and walking by his room at 4 AM he was talking loudly about some issue or another and I tossed out the flippant "nobody cares what you think :stuck_out_tongue: " sort of comment everybody hears as a joke any time people are talking loudly (especially early in the morning). So I went to the bathroom, started taking a piss… and was promptly followed in to the bathroom by Loose Cannon himself and shoved rather violently against the urinal. OOOOOOk, I continue mid-stream to find myself shoved again. I rather calmly zipped up, turned around and inquired into the exact nature of what was wrong.

As expected he launched in to a rant about spring break (3 weeks ago). To which I calmly acknowledged that, yeah, I was sort of a dick, but I’ve apologized for this already, let it go. Nope, escalating loudness (and he starts off loud), and naturally, being hard pressed to keep my temper in check, I started yelling back at him for the fact that he didn’t even so much as attempt to apologize for a direct personal attack (technically, I suppose, grounds for an assault charge, but I’m not even going there). He got to the part where he was threatening me harm if I, quote, “ever acknowledged his existence again”. So people came in, woken up, got him and I out, and apparently two other people sent the message to our executive committee (not me, I promise).

So, he’s been punished in some capacity, and almost certainly has added this to the grudge he already had (that I’m perfectly willing to let die, I might add). He probably even thinks it was my fault it went to exec. I’m really seriously considering that I might be in some bodily or serious property damage danger over the next several days, the kid has a history of doing, well, loose cannon sort of stuff. Especially if he decides to drink it off.

Any thoughts? I know the dope has been in every situation imaginable.

2

huh huh huh huh huh huh
“Cockblocking”
huh huh huh huh huh huh

3

hey man, that’s the word they use.

4

Personally I’d take pictures of your room and everything valuable you own. If he pulls something at least you have a before and after picture if you have to take him to court.

Can you lock your door when you’re not there? Is it possible for you to get written statements from people about the shoving and his general character? I know this seems extreme, but in my mind I’d feel better if I had evidence of his wrongdoing in case I had to go to court.

5

“I was sort of a dick during spring break.”
“I wasn’t exactly being friendly either.”
“I casually tossed out, ‘No one cares what you think.’”

Sounds like you both need to grow up.

6

Sounds like normal college schtick to me.

Is he bigger than you?

Can you reasonably defend yourself and/or put him in his physical place if need be?

7

Right but, 2/3 of those were 3 weeks ago (well a month now, I guess), and I had already apologized for them. During spring break, we were all drinking, a lot, and I subsequently apologized for those times when I stepped over the line.

The 3rd one, though I had no business doing so, is (relatively) so trivial that it didn’t warrant the reaction I got, in particular, a threat of physical harm, and a couple of nice shoves in to some potentially painful plumbing fixtures.

Also as a follow-up to us growing up, I extended to him, via e-mail at the moment (primarily because I doubt I’d have an opportunity to get the whole thing out verbally before being shouted down by him), a further apology for any of my actions he is still holding against me, and an opportunity to apologize for his actions to me. In particular, I felt that the punishment that ended up being handed down was handled in a bad way (a ban from our largest social event less than 6 days away, which has been extensively planned, and which everybody knew he (and the rest of us) were looking forward to. I think that it’s the wrong way to handle a long term issue (not just with me, he’s been reprimanded for physical altercations four times this semester alone), and I’m willing to fight to get his right to go to this event reinstated given a simple apology.
Of course the immediate reaction a cynical person would have is that I’m merely using that as incentive to get the apology, but I think it’s a reasonable requirement, since obviously if he’s not even willing to work with people enough for an issue he clearly cares deeply about (this event) then I would have no reason to work with him either.

8

Four times, eh? Sounds like a slow learner, or a non-learner. I don’t agree that the punishment is inappropriate. It might actually get his attention - it doesn’t appear that anything else did. If he can’t act in a civilized manner in daily life, why should he have the privilege of attending the event?

9

That’s not an apology, that’s a challenge. Quit being a dick to him, and maybe he’ll quit being a dick to you.

Even in the best of circumstances, offering an apology does not require immediate forgiveness by the other party.

10

And can sometimes entice a further battle.

Subject A lets his guard down and apologizes. Subject B pops him in the mouth.

11

An apology is absolutely meaningless if it’s followed by the same boorish behavior.

If he’s been reprimanded four times already for physical altercations, then a reasonable person would steer clear of him. A reasonable person would not provoke him by making flippant comments. You don’t have to be his friend, but until he’s kicked out (and he will eventually be kicked out, mark my words) you do have to live under the same roof. So quit provoking him.

Instead of trying to extract some sort of half-assed apology from him, why don’t you reflect on what YOU did to earn a rebuke from your fraternity. If, by your own admission, you’ve been a dick to be around, then you need to find a way to constructively channel your testosterone-infused aggression. Take a taekwondo class or take up running.

And while you’re e-mailing, why not send a sincere note of apology to the fraternity council who had to take time out of their busy lives to listen to your story and mete out an appropriate punishment? It’s not fun having to deal with grown men who should have grown out of this type of behavior in junior high school.

In the meantime, remember this: No one wants to be around dicks.

12

I would not get involved in that. The punishment was handed out by the council, not you. They should make that kind of decision. If you get involved in that way, it could be seen as an attempt to force an apology or to control the guy with their authority. Not that that’s what you’re doing, just the way he might see it.

The guy wants you to ignore him. Grant his request.

And cover your ass. Protect your stuff as best you can and keep an eye on it.

13

I can’t tell you how glad I am I went to a women’s college, man. Seriously. And how glad I am that I’m a grownup these days.

Honestly. Ignore him, turn the other cheek, and start treating everybody the way you would like to be treated.

14

Alcohol seems to figure prominently in this grudge.

You mention that you think he has drinking issues. You also mentioned at least two instances where you were drunk enough to engage in behavior you now regret.

It is a waste of breath to try to reason with someone who is drunk. How many people this might apply to is something you will have to decide for yourself.

Regards,
Shodan

15

Quit the fraternity, you must be sick of Dave Matthews by now anyway.

16

No, I extended a unilateral APOLOGY for my actions to him, I said i wouldn’t actively throw my effort in to helping him unless he apologized, but was perfectly willing to do so. I think that’s pretty reasonable. I suppose I could be wrong. I asked around and talked to people here about it before doing so, and they seemed to support the wording of the e-mail that I sent him.

Sure, but then, I had no idea he had actually been reprimanded that many times. And I would certainly, and certainly do, attempt to avoid him. Unfortunately, his door is 5 feet away from mine, we eat in the same place and work with the same people.

.
I wasn’t reprimanded, I was providing testimony to see if I should be. Both myself, and the other 2 witnesses who reported the incident led the exec committee to decide that the instigating remark, (yes yes, it WAS STUPID, you’re RIGHT, this much I admit to! And it won’t happen again, promise!) in no way needed to be escalated to the situation that occurred, and I immediately acted to mollify my idiocy and stayed calm for almost the entirety of the situation, the worst I did was eventually raise my voice in order to be heard.

I’m not sure how you managed to go from me asserting that for one week, which was a rough week, and yes, that week, particularly alcohol fueled, that I was unfortunately over the line to concluding my personality is consistently dickish. In fact it was remarked upon that my behavior that week was very unusual for me, and indeed it was, and it was an unusual week. And yes, next you’re going to point toward my “flippant remark”. Look, yeah, I’m not innocent here, mistakes were made, but I’m not using a laughable remark to justify threatening somebody if they so much as acknowledge my existence.

agreed.
And yes, I do drink, a lot by some standards, but you’re hearing about these situations particularly because there are regrettable circumstances, I assure you that it’s not because regrettable actions follow me like the plague when I’m drunk… however, the same cannot be said of the other party: which the fraternity is addressing in a separate part of his punishment.

man, last time I heard DMB was… who knows… Now the rap music coming from next door… man am I sick of “walk it out” and “this is the way we live”.

17

Well, no offense, but ISTM that persistent “drinking that leads to regrettable circumstances” is one definition of alcoholism. As I said, alcohol seems to be a common factor in much of the troubles you describe.

Regards,
Shodan

18

Don’t forget Shodan that most don’t discover alcoholism until after college. Sometimes it’s too late sometimes it’s not.

19

That may be true, I don’t know. But if your drinking causes you problems, then you are a problem drinker, pretty much by definition.

Maybe the pattern is becoming obvious as part of the OP’s college drinking experience. If the pattern does become clear, and he doesn’t do anything about it, then it seems like AA might be a good idea.

Regards,
Shodan

20

Right, well, like I said, in general, my drinking (though yes, I acknowledge I should probably drink less, and in fact, independent of this situation am not drinking as much), is generally not a cause of the problem, I get in to trouble while drunk roughly the same average I get in to trouble while stone-cold sober, over the years.

HIS drinking is a routine problem with multiple similar out-of-control incidents over the entire time that I’ve known him, I believe exec may have referred him to help with drinking problems and/or anger management (but I don’t know, as I don’t think the specifics were made public)

Again, I’m not excusing myself, I am given to excesses of alcohol, but I’m neither dependent on it or particularly cause problems while drunk. Spring break was an exception (and even there it was a personality thing, I didn’t start physical fights), but there were extenuating circumstances. Hell, if it hadn’t been spring break I probably would have avoided alcohol that week. Even then it wasn’t pervasive to the entire break, just a few parts of a couple of nights where I was over the line.
I understand your concerns, In the long run and when I have responsibilities to attend to (like this summer when I have a job) I drink much more rarely. but I really honestly think that in this instance you’re blowing my side of the problem out of proportion.