Ok, this is an “almost” story, but quite memorable to me.
I’m part of the “in” crowd at a local strip club. It’s a long story, but most of my female friends are strippers or have been, and I usually don’t pay for much at the club. So, one night I’m hanging with some friends, really not trying for anything, just chillin’. For some unexplained reason, the best dancer in the club, I mean THE dancer, little pixie-ish blond with a perfect body, top earner of all the dancers, decides tonite’s my night. She’s all over me like a cheap suit. She goes up to dance her next-to-last set and tells her roomate to give me directions to their apartment. She does, and the girl comes back and tells me to meet at 4am her after the club closes and to keep it quiet since the manager frowns on this sort of thing.
No problem, I think, I’ll just leave early (I ususally hang until after the doors are locked) and go sit in a parking lot or something near her place. Who cares, I’m gonna get laid and laid well!!
I leave, and I’m just driving around caling my best friend on the cell and waking him up (it’s 3am) and telling him about my good fortune. I realize I’m out of gum and I wanna have nice fresh breath, so I cruise into a grocery store about a block from her apartment to get some gum. It’s 3:30ish, the store is deserted, all the guys are stocking the shelves, nobody is near the cash registers and I have to wait forever for them to come up and take my money. I leave, cruise up to her place, she’s not there yet, I chill and listen to the radio. 3:45, I suddenly feel the godawfulest shit pains of my life. I don’t know if it was nerves or what, but I went from zero to shitsy in about 5 seconds. I lock down all exits, the sweating starts, and I’m scared shitless (shitful?) that this girl is gonna pull up any second. Can you imagine that? “Hey babe, can I use your bathroom before we fuck?” No way am I about to let this happen.
I start the car and peel outta there. The only thing I can figure is maybe the grocery store where I got the gum. I don’t go there often, it’s not near my house or anything, and I can’t remember if it’s one of those that has public restrooms up front or not.
I get there, brisk walk inside, oh damn no toilet in front. I try to covertly make my way to the back without anyone seeing me. After all, wasn’t I the guy who was just in here yelling for someone to take my money for one lousy pack of gum?
I get to the back, no obvious toilet there either. But there is that little set of swinging doors and you KNOW they have one back there for themselves. By this time, it’s point of no return, I say fuck it and sneak into customer-forbidden territory. Sure enough there it is. I get in and run to the handicapped stall. Closing the door, unbuckling, unzipping and sitting down are all one fluid motion.
Ever see that movie American Pie? When the guy grabs both sides of the pot and hangs on for dear life? It was like that!
I did an extra-good job of cleaning up. I felt like a new man when I walked outta there. I’m sure the stocker-guys were completely puzzled as I breezed past them on my way out.
I went back and, wouldn’t you know it, she was late. By the time she showed up, I could have driven all the way to my house, took care of business, showered and changed clothes and driven back. Strippers never get anywhere on time!
Oh but it was worth the wait! She was a goddess!