“Precious Memories, How They Linger”
Didn’t actually shit myself but came close a few years ago.
Coming back from Border’s Books one day where I had one of those iced coffee’s. (I do not drink coffee as a rule).
So within about 3 miles from home, that iced coffee musta combined with the chocolate eclair I’d also had and they decided to make a break for it.
OMG! Never have I done my Kegels so fast and hard as I did that day, while my stomach was merrily “singing along” You know, those little pops, wheezes and groans?
Up ahead! On the right, a covenience store! YES! I think I can make it! So I put the pedal to the metal, as it were, and the next thing I see… blue lights just a-flashin behind me!
I don’t stop. We were within 500 yards or so from the store and when I pulled in, he pulled in right beside me. I jumped out of the car, he, of course, went for his Glock, so I screamed, “I gotta SHIIIIIT”.
He relaxes says, 'Well GO then, Bubba!" (I don’t like being called Bubba).
So I run in the door, the girl behind the counter turns white as a sheet, thinking she was about to be robbed!
“Bathroom, where’s the bathroom!!!”, I screamed at her.
“Straight back the way you’re headed!”, she screamed back.
I make it back there, try to open the door, Oh God, someone’s in there!!!
Just as I was about to pull down my jeans and squat, the door opened, I shoved the guy out of the way, and I made it with maybe one nano-second to spare.
Through the door, I heard the guy say one word, “Dood!”
Okay, crisis number one averted, crisis two (the cop) yet to come.
So I finish, wipe my sorry ass (using about half the roll), and start to flush it down, wondering if I’m gonna stop that thing up, but then I hesitate and don’t do it.
Instead, I leave the restroom and down at the counter were the cop and the girl.
They took one look one look at me and went into one of those “sputtering” laughs! You know the one I mean, right? Saliva comes out and sprays the person standing close to you?
So, smiling sheepishly, I waited for them to recover, and said, “Sir, I saved you the evidence”, whereupon they both went into paroxysisms of laughter again.
Finally, the cop wipes his eyes and says, “Bubba, go ahead and flush it down. I’ll take your word for it! No ticket either, but in the future, don’t EVER jump out of your car that way. I mighta shot you, and if I hadda, wouldn’t we have had a mess?”
He let me go, but I bet him and his buddies, maybe his wife and kids, had themselves a laugh that night.
Time Travel - Back, Way Back. Back to the 60’s and my senior year in high school.
I was in the front parlor, suckin’ face with my girlfriend, when she said to me, "Bill, mother and I were talking the other day, and she asked me, “Lynn, how come Bill never goes to the bathroom when he’s here?”
I imagine Lynn said something like “Mom! what a question!”
Mom was kinda strange.
So one night, I really did have to go, so I excused myself, and went to do… #2!!!
Finished, flushed the toilet, but unbeknownst to me, the toilet overflowed sometimes, and here came one turd followed by his buddy, floating right to the surface.
Well, the water overflowed, hit the tile floor, and Mom pounds on the door, saying loudly, “Bill, let me in! I know how to fix it!”
Yeah right. I’m sure gonna do that!
For all I knew, she was a copraphagist, and wanted those things for herself.
So what did I do? I took the roll of toilet paper, wrapped a lot of it around my hands, and gingerly pulled those bad boys out, turned around, opened the bathroom window and let’em fly into some thick bushes behind the house.
Let her in, went and kissed Lynn and went home, wondering if Mom might go looking for my two exquisitely formed friends.
Like shit floating out of a toilet, so were those days of my life
One more. It’s short, don’t worry.
Age 18, and time to take the SAT for college.
The room was very still, as we all worked very intensely trying to get the best score. Mine was 950.
Suddenly, my belly does one of those “go off inside farts” They sound kinda like this: eeeep.
Somebody in the back snorted, and pretty soon the whole room went nuts.
These are true stories.
And they’re in my memoirs.
They are written the way they are, because I LIKE to write in narrative style, because I fancy myself a writer, I guess. Never published, though. Trunk full of unfinished stuff.