Everything I need to know, I learned from Buffy.

Cafe Society
21

Make sure you know your school guidance counsellor really, really well before you tell her you wish you could make people stop leaving.

Don’t leave the frat party to have sex with your new boyfriend. Again, and again, and again…

Pancakes are good because they’re stackable. And waffles, because you can put things in the little holes.

Oh, and if you live in California, after you get married, by law, you will own half the waffles.

If you’re engaged to an ex-vengeance demon, it is probably not a good idea to jilt her at the altar.

If you’re an evil, soulless vampire who is in love with the Slayer, a word of advice. Leading her to a vampire bordello where her boyfriend is paying a vamp to suck his blood is not the way to win her heart.

If you’re storing demon eggs in your crypt that are destined to be sold to foriegn governments, keep them frozen.

If you’ve been arguing with the de facto manager of the magic shop, and you want to do a spell to make a ball of sunshine, buy the ingredients and do the spell at home.

And finally, if you’re going to go off ih search of your soul… oh, wait, I did that one already.

22

Never attack a vampire slayer with a wooden-handled instrument.

A vampire slayer will rarely use a short stake twice, but will use a long stake for multiple slayings.

When fighting a vampire slayer, avoid knocking her into bannisters, pool tables, picket fences and other handy sources of wood.

Even if a demon has never been defeated before, the secret to defeating it may well be in one of the standard reference books.

A girl who has a crush on a boy for years, and later has a deep and meaningful relationship with another boy is permanently and irrevocably lesbian, and not at all bisexual, absolutely uncompromisingly lesbian, the moment she finds herself attracted to another girl. No tag backs.

Holy water can be obtained by demon hunters in very convenient clearly labeled bottles, although apparently no actual priests are otherwise involved in demon hunting at all.

Most vampires have to be softened up a bit before they can be staked.

There is no significant concomitant variation between the awareness of the existence of vampires and carrying crucifixes.

23

If you’re comic relief, you can be knocked out many many times and still come up with witty quips.

Work together? No, we only do that when we’re desperate…

24

You can always tell you’re in America by the fact that you’ve been knocked unconscious.

If you’re an evil soulless vampire who is in love with the Slayer, chaining her up in the tunnel beneath your crypt so you can force her to watch you stake your ex is not the way to win her heart.

Being tortured by an insane Hellgod but still not telling her the Slayer’s kid sister is the Key will get you a tiny kiss on the one undamaged square millimeter of your lower lip.

A severe allergy to garlic will not prevent you from enjoying spicy buffalo wings, even though garlic is one of the ingredients in the sauce.

Being English makes a man sexy by default. The pretty computer science teacher you have a crush on will ask you out.

Any high school chemistry lab will have all the ingredients necessary to make a formula that will turn you into a Jekyll and Hyde type monster.

If you ignore someone long enough, she won’t go away, but there’s a pretty good chance she will become invisible.

If a group of concerned parents is trying to burn you at the stake, you can turn yourself into a rat and escape. However, it will probably take three and a half years for your friends to come up with a spell to turn you back into a human being, unless they’re really observant…

Vampires are useless. You can’t even brain suck a vampire.

You can tell someone is buying your story if he eats the comic relief. If he clocks you, he’s not buying it.
If you own a magic shop, you should check any crystals that come in for trapped trolls before you put them on the shelves.

If a recently disensouled and extremely dangerous vampire is on the loose and you’re working on a computer program to translate the curse that will reensoul him again, it is probably not a good idea to do the work alone at night in a classroom of a public high school.

And finally, oh, just check the damn sig line.