Did you think you’d be able to sneak back in unnoticed, Eve? Well, if you were trying to avoid the fanfare, I apologize for the big announcement, but we’ve missed you around here and with all the Bad Stuff™ happening in the world these days, it’s nice to have something to celebrate.
Welcome Back! It’s GREAT to see you again!
So… New?
<scurries off doing a little happy dance in Eve’s honor>
Yeah, yeah, “Golden’s Back and Garson’s Got Her.” . . . Every so often, a girl has to vanish like a Condit intern. I’m sure you’ll appreciate that there are certain aspects of my private life I do not feel free to share with all 19,000 members of the SDMB—particularly as you all know who I am, where I work, and where I leave the spare key when I’m away. I have heard certain rumors about my brief absence, though:
• I was busted for running Filthy McShlomo’s Kosher Dance Hall in the old Five Points Brewery
• I was recruited by the NSA to seduce Osama Bin Laden with my Naughty Hoochie-Coochie Dance
• I have been competing in “Survivor V: The Sweater Floor at Lord & Taylor’s”
Not all of these are entirely true.
Hope everyone has been well and full of the Old Nick.
Oh no! Please don’t misunderstand - I didn’t ask why you left - that’s none of my damn beeswax. I’m just glad you’re back, that’s all. And, of course, wondering what’s new since you’ve been gone so long.
Me - I just hosted the Dopefest to end all Dopefests (wish you could’a been there!) 2 weekends ago. 65 people - it was a doozie. I understand the blackmail photos are being processed at the moment.
I took my first ride on a Harley last week, and man did that thing hurt my ass. How do you Harley people ride those things? OUCH! But the scenery along the coast and through the canyons was beautiful and I can’t wait to do it again on a Real Bike™.
Anyway, it’s nice to see you again, no matter what.
Well, let’s see, the printable things in my life that have happened lately . . .
• Had lunch at 21 with an actual Society Dowager.
• Had new author’s photos taken. My previous ones were so old I was wearing a pinafore and sucking a lollipop.
• Discovered I have two doppelgangers: another writer with my same name, and a fellow named Steve Golden, among whose works are “Hot Pants Salesgirl” and “The Bride’s Horny Honeymoon.” I assume it’s a series: the Hot Pants Salesgirl gets married at the end of Vol. I, then embarks on a Horny Honeymoon.
• Received jewelry and an invitation to Paris from an eccentric, handsome French fan. I’ve always wanted to see Paris, but not from the inside of a car trunk . . .
• Attempted, with no success whatever, to develop an eating disorder. It is NOT as easy as People magazine will have you believe . . .
Well, you know, we’ve been fighting ignorance, fighting crime, that sort of thing. The men have been offering to beat up my ex-boyfriend, flirtations abound, Cecil still hasn’t shown. You know, same old, same old.
[Tammy Faye]I think I’ll sing (with apologies to A. Lennox):
It’s alright - baby’s coming back
And I don’t really care where she’s been.
It’s alright - baby’s coming back
And we won’t turn her around this time.
And she’ll be (our grace our dignity).
And she’ll be (our night our destiny).
And she’ll be (our comfort and our ease).
She will be our storm at seas…
And she’ll be (our sharp intake of breath).
And she’ll be (our work she’ll take no rest)*.
And when the world falls to decline
We’ll be hers till end-of-time.
Chorus repeats…
*[sub]well, okay - sometimes[/sub]
[/Tammy Faye]
(Actually, I would never sing - I’d just lipsynch. Everyone knows that the only way I can carry a tune is if it’s already comatose on a stretcher…)
Since my welcoming thread came slightly too late to get noticed, I’ll just add my message of joy here. Great to have you back, Eve. We were less without you, not just fewer.
I’ve gotten younger and more handsome in your absence. Oh yeah - filthy rich too. But I got tired of your “playing-hard-to-get” routine and in the meantime hooked up with a wife of 17 years and 3 kids 10-13 years old. Exactly how long were you gone anyways?
New author’s photos? Sure you didn’t actually respond to a magazine ad seeking “photographer’s models?” Hmmm?
I can only hope and pray that your new author’s photo features you in a pinafore and sucking a lollipop, too. GRRrrrr!
Welcome back, Eve. It was hard maintaining the class of this joint solo. Not that I tried real hard. Or at all.
Glad to see you. Anybody who truly appreciates the celestial Margaret Dumont, and the lilting strains of “When Frances Dances With Me” is OK in my book.
Now, now, Andygirl, if you started dressing decently, at whom would I glare through my lorgnette and go, “well, REALLY!”?
Dave, my NEW author’s photos show me lounging in a silk dressing gown on my settee, looking like a heavily drugged Mandarin. As soon as I have my desperately self-promoting web site up and running, I’ll link youse.
Well, I did an Amazon search for Hot Pants Salesgirl, and the only Steve Golden title I could locate was Seismic Traveltime Conversion (Investigations in Geophysics, No.1), published by the Society of Exploration Geophysicists in 1987.
Could you at least tell us what pages the “hot parts” are on?
Is that some new euphamism for 'earth shattering orgasm"? I miss all the linguistic trends.
Criminy, what’s all this yellin’ about Eve’s back? Sumpin’ wrong with it? Lumbago, maybe? Doan’s makes pills for that, you know. I’d offer you a massage, but it wouldn’t be safe. I’ve misplaced my back rubber.
