Jiminy Crickets . . . My apartment is starting to look like the stateroom scene from “A Night at the Opera.” Next thing ya know, Kelli’s gonna come by looking for her Aunt Minnie.
And y’all seem to have chased my actual date away—haven’t heard a peep out of him since 6:00 this morning!
I think the question would be, “Is he, mmm, ‘built’ like Gloria Swanson said about Gary Cooper?”
I believe she made an equine analogy.
(knock, knock)
Engineer!
I’m here to turn down the heat!
(APB is probably off starting another thread with a title like “I Sold Cocaine to George W!” to sneak in a REAL date with Eve without attracting all us low lifes.)
“Engineer! I’m here to turn down the heat!”
—You better cut 'em short, it’s getting crowded in here!
. . . Oop, wait a minute, I stepped on someone’s line. Anyone got the script handy? The one with the revisions Thalberg made for today’s shoot?
Damn, we’ve all chased APB off with ride comments about Gloria Swanson’s equine remarks . . . [sigh]
Oh, jesus, I meant RUDE comments, of course. My Freudian slip is showing . . . [blushing prettily, honking Harpo’s horn to distract attention]
Oh my!
<Knocking on door>
Is my Aunt Minnie in here?
And does Wallace Beery know about Gloria Swanson’s equine thing?
Sigh. Looks like reheated lo mein and Cowboy Bebop again tonight. Sigh.
“This is how I see it. Everyone else is out doing this, while I sit at home eating a grilled cheese sandwich and watching golf on ESPN.”
dropzone:
Well, actually, oddly enough, he’s merely built like Gloria Swanson.
Uhhhh…yeah, hey. I’m from the limo service. I’m here to pick up, ummmmm…(Checks list), APB and his date? (Yelling above the noise of the music and painting tools) HEY!! ANYBODY SEEN APB?! Oh, what? Oh, so HE was the guy who just ran screaming out of the house with the flower bouqet and the stain on his jacket. Gotcha.
Well, while I’m here, who wants to hop in my limo and take this party through the streets?
(Sees ChiefScott fall from the second story window, hit the bushes, get up, dust off, and run).
Uh…huh. Hey, is this a porno?
HERE I AM! Sorry, it looks like you post during the day and I couldn’t do that today. I’ll try tomorrow (although I’m not sure what’s on the schedule yet).
What do you say we get out of this madhouse…what sort of food would you like for dinner?
APB, darling (may I call you A?), I thought for sure we’d lost you. Ukulele Ike was teasing me that YOU can only post from home and I can only post from work, making us a cyber Romeo and Juliet for the new millennium . . . But here you are, looking cute as all get-out in your only slightly rumpled dinner jacket.
Dinner? Hmmm . . . The Russian Tea Room has joined Delmonico’s and Rector’s in restaurant heaven. But since this is only a Virtual Date, how about a private room at Rector’s? You know, a velvet-curtained alcove, with a hot bird and a cold bottle?
I just worry about leaving all these yahoos in my apartment. Will one of you at least feed the cats while we’re gone?
Okay, APB, now that you’re here, you and your date can hop in the limo. Where’d you say you wanted to go?
Rectors?
Well, <cough> I seem to have…uhhmmmm…FORGOTTEN <cough> the way to that particular location <holds out hand, cough>. Yeah, at the moment I only know how to get to…McDonalds. <cough>.
Goodness, coachman, everyone knows where Rector’s is! Just take Broadway up to Long Acre Square, near where that new Times Building will go up after they tear down Pabst’s Hotel. It’s right near the Astor Hotel and Delmonico’s, so you can certainly pick up another fare after you drop us. Lillian Russell’s new show is playing at Hammerstein’s, so the after-theater crowd should be thick tonight . . .
I’m not sure, APB, if we should really take a hansom cab, though. They call them “loose boxes,” and our reputations would be lost if we were seen entering one together and unchaperoned!
Oh, nuts. That trick worked on Mick Jagger.
Anyway, I’m sure that there’s a suitable chaperone in here somewhere…
<Looks over, sees soul strutting around in pimp hat, chiefscott rolling on ground in pain outside, and Ura-Maru sulking pitifully in the corner>
Or not.
Hey, if you come with me, I’ll give you half price, throw in a bouqet and a new jacket for APB!
Oh, bloody hell—looks like APB can’t post from work again today. This date is gonna take till November to get off the ground!
What’s “APB” stand for, anyway? “All Points Bulletin?” Are you a cop, or are you on the lam from the cops?
Now dear, let’s save the personal questions for after dinner conversation.
Rector’s it is. And as I mentioned, I have a private limosine. Here, let me get the door for you.
I would never try to get you into some “loose box” public limosine-shaped taxicab that would place your reputation in peril. Say! Aren’t the seats in here broad, and comfortable? And look. Champagne. Oh my. Ah, you’ve noticed the jaccuzzi. Yes, well, pity it’s so warm in here. Or is it just me?
May I pour you a glass?
Oh, Jester? Rector’s, please. (Slipping him a Jackson, subtly, damn it, and stop coughing.)
What’s that Eve? Reservations? Oh, don’t worry. They know me there.
Sorry, boss, it’s this damn cold. Rector’s it is.
watches APB and Eve pull off
Okay then…PARTY!!!
grabs ChiefScott by the arm and pulls up to his feet You look hurt, sailor…anything I can do to help? wink