Hello my dear. Wow! Don’t you look lovely. I thought these flowers would compliment your place, but now I see they are shamed by the flower already gracing the room.
I have a limosine waiting. Are you almost ready?
{knock, knock}
PAINTER’S HERE! We’re here to paint the room! Just let us get these drop cloths down, here…ooops, sorry, pal. You better get that drycleaned right away.
(Psssst! APB! You should do this sort of thing between 9 and 5 EDT…Eve won’t be in until tomorrow morning.)
Okay, who ordered th’ hard-boiled eggs?
Eve, I’ll just slip out the bedroom window now…
See, Eve, I considered hiring some clowns to follow us around tonight and be our entertainment. I decided against it, but unfortunately there’s no way to get rid of them now.
::Limo Driver enters::
Yo, bub, let’s shake a leg. Where’s your chickie… YOWEE, that’s some stain on your jacket! That ain’t ever comin’ out, yaknowwutimean?
::notices flowers in APB’s hand::
HEY, wudda you doin’ with these?!?!
::yanks flowers from APB::
This is the thanks I get??? When you said you couldn’t afford a real limo, I said no problem – you can use the hearse for half price. But what did I tell you?
::APB mutters under his breath and shuffles his feet::
That’s right… don’t touch the flowers in the back! And that goes double for the stiff in the box! Got that?
So get your chickie, and let’s go. I got another call at 9:30. One more thing… you ain’t sittin’ in my car with wet paint on your clothes. Lose the jacket.
::Limo driver exits with flowers::
My jacket is fine. That slapstick was just a camera trick. And I think you must be looking for the guy downstairs; you’re not MY limo driver. I have a real limo, and the driver wears a chauffeur’s cap, not a propeller beanie.
[Flashback to several hours before date]
Here I am, looking carefully over my possible date clothes—all the SDMB gals are here helping me do my nails and hair (Shayna, I never use Chanel—find me some of that Elizabeth Arden!).
Let’s see, shall I go for the fresh-faced college gal look? Gingham and crinoline? Or the usual Kay Francis garb of satin and a velvet evening wrap? Guess that would be better.
[Checking SD People Pages]
Hmmm . . . No photo of my Mystery Date, which gives me the chance to make 'im up myself. I’ve decided he looks like Gary Cooper, though with a much better grasp of language than Coop’s “yup.”
Oooo-there’s the doorbell . . . Hey, I wasn’t expecting painters!
Lets see, hot women helping each other get dressed, studly painters showing up at the door, sailor jumping out the window…
This a new porno?
Mistah! Hey, MISTAH? Help yuh wit your bags?
(to soulsling and stuyguy) You take the blonde, you take the redhead, and I’ll take the one dressed like Kay Francis.
:: turns around and puts the needle on the record… 70’s porn funk music begins playing in background, adjusts pimp daddy hat, strolls on over to the blonde ::
Hey baby, let me help wid yo makeup selection…
giggles Oh Eve, he’s so DREAMY…
Ick. I can’t even pull that off on a message board. I’ll just amuse myself with that sailor, thanks. 
Yo, Red… You think the guy in the box is stiff? Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Um, Eve, making dates with MEN? Aren’t you forgetting that you play for the other team? Or weren’t you going to mention it, Miss Lipstick Lesbian?
LESBIANS!!! I knew it! This is a porn!!!
:: jumping up and down pointing while holding his hat on his head with his other hand ::
So, which one of you ladies wants to direct the painters over to the wall of choice…?
Sax, darling, I thought you knew I was, um, bilingual . . . No need to get jealous, dear heart—you’ll always be Miss German Alps to me!
. . . Oh, that sounds much naughtier if you haven’t been to Sax’s recent thread . . .
So, where’s my date? He’s on East Coast time—has he run out in fear, with all the pimps, painters and lesbos running around my apartment?
Pardon me.
walks over to distract soul Calm down, boy. You think there’s gonna be any action while yer hopping around like a drowned fish? Sheesh. smooches
Eve,
I’ve thought about it and I believe that, without exercising the imagination too much, one could say that APB9999 does bear a resemblance to Gary Cooper.
Me? Oh, I was just wandering by towards the pub on the corner when I heard all the commotion in here. What’s going on anyway?
Wow! Lesbians, limousines, painters and sailors! My goodness! You do live it up, eh?
“Lesbians, limousines, painters and sailors!”
—Just a typical evening Chez Eve.
Hmmm, he really DOES look like Gary Cooper? [quickly getting out New York-to-Boston train schedule]
“See, Eve, I considered hiring some clowns to follow us around tonight and be our entertainment. I decided against it, but unfortunately there’s no way to get rid of them now.” -APB
LORDY! clowns in a porno? that’s about the most frightening thing i’ve ever heard of.
i don’t think i’ll let it stop me though.
<hops into the party>
ten minutes later…
<thrown out of party>
damn.
::doorbell rings::
Who ordered the large anchovy with extra ch…Holy Cow! You need more than one large pizza here!