I shall wait in limbo without you.
I don’t know about 9; as you may have guessed my schedule is irregular, but I’ll pick this up sometime tomorrow.
Oh, but of course, sir. That reference was merely a…joke. Yes, a joke. Aheh? Excellent dinner choice, I will go and inform the chef right away, but first, I must deal with the paramedics here to pick up a construction worker.
Oh, by the way! Your alcove is ready! Right this way! Yes, you will notice that all of the table settings are not silver, but platinum, and set with jewels. The paintings are all original picassos, but if you do not like them, we also have a stock of Monet and Van Gough. In the corner is a memorial to the 12 workers who died making this alcove, but, alas, these are the hazards of half-hour construction. A kazoo and saxaphone band is on its way in, and I will personally play the harmonica and piano for you. Enjoy your meal!
{in the kitchen}
Oh man, oh man, oh man…drambuie shrimp flambe, huh…?
{sniffing suspiciously at the afternoon shellfish shipment}
Smells a little strong, but the drambuie should take care of that, and once you flambe ANYTHING, who’s gonna notice a little off-odor? Well, a lot of off-odor…drambuie…drambuie…no drambuie…okay, California brandy’ll burn just as well as drambuie. No macadamia nuts either? All right, I’ll grab the beer nuts on the next trip past the bar…
{scrolling back} Damn it, he said something about truffles, didn’t he? I think I saw SOME kind if dried mushrooms in the bus-boy’s locker, rolled up in a baggie…
Eve, did they expand the rest rooms too? Marble, chrome, echoey stuff, gold taps - tacky, ah, red velvet chaise longue, getting closer…I can hear the singing, but I can’t quite see you…
There you are!!! How is it?? Wine, food, makes James Bond look clumsy, ok. The flat? No, no problems, we fed the cat, but we had to get the painters back…after the fire…but they said that you need electricians and plasterers first…which would be ok, but we’re out of ice for the drinks.
No, no, don’t worry your pretty head about it, it’s all under control…just go on and enjoy your date.
<Stumbles into kitchen, holding bag from Taco Bell>
Okay, Ike, heard about the food problems, so I got us some grub, now QUICK! We need to make it look fancy. Quick, put on some garnishes, pour on some alkeyhol, and cook. How long? I have NO idea, I’ve never prepared tacos flambe before. Damn, maybe we should just take a chance with the old shellfish.
<Glances back and forth between Taco Bell brand tacos and seafood crate marked "best if eaten by Sepember, 1981>
Yeah, you’re right, definitely the shellfish.
Hey, APB! Soup’s on!
{busily Cuisinarting another handful of Beer Nuts into an improvised satay sauce}
Hey, Jester, we seem to be fresh outta Komodo Dragon, too. Duck out into the alley and see if you can find us a stray kittycat, okay? You can use some of that shrimp as bait.
Hmmmmmm…if I shred these collard greens a little, they’ll look startlingly like banana leaves.
Damn that Chef Troy…never around when he could be useful.
Jesus, there’s a lot of Limburger left over from the lunch shift. Now, what’s something classy we can do with that?
Man, this place has lousy service…
Oh, waiter! Would you please tell the chef I’ve been waiting for my Limberger blinis for half an hour now?
Well, here I am back from the powder room—and what fun we had! All the SD girls were there, dressed up like the Shirelles, complete with bouffant wigs. We did all kinds of Girl Group songs: “Sweet Talkin’ Guy,” “Boy from New York City,” “The Happening,” “Leader of the Pack.” The chef kept popping his head in and asking for “Sally Go Round the Roses,” but we TP’d his chef hat and he left muttering something about “the shrimp being off.”
So, I’m all powdered and refreshed and looking forward to delish food and scintillating conversation with my Mystery Date.
Um, “fed the cat?” I USED to have TWO cats, where’s the other one?
{hissing} Jester! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS CAT? I mean, this Komodo Dragon?
{tasting the gravy}
Anyone else reminded of the UL where the guy goes to pick up his blind date in her penthouse apartment, and plays catch with her dog while she’s putting on her makeup, and the ball goes out the window and the dog leaps after it?
Good Evenning Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the house. We’ve got a great little band here tonight, all set and ready for your dining and dancing pleasure. We’re going to kick off the first set with a number by some new young songsmiths by the name of Gerdwin, or Gerflin, or something like that, I can’t really recall their names they’re just now coming into their own. Anyway, sit back, relax, get your waiter to bring you a fresh drink, come on out to the dance floor if the spirit moves you.
Embrace me,
My sweet embracable you.
Embrace me,
My irreplacable you.
Don’t be a naughty baby,
Come to daddy, come to daddy do,
And embrace me,
My sweet embraceable you.
Uh, Uke? Here’s some lizards I found outside under the rocks, will that do for komodo dragon? oh, and Eve did say something about feeding cats to someone or something…
Well, it’s high noon and no APB yet—either he can’t get online today or the mushrooms did 'im in. I’ll have to spend my weekend thinking of where we can go after our dinner (besides the emergency room). Since this is Virtual Land:
• A black-and-tan up in Harlem to hear Cab Calloway and see Bee Palmer do the shimmy sha-wobble
• Off to Castles in the Air, to have Vernon and Irene teach us their new variation of the Bunny Hug
• Maybe a speak in the West 40s, where Dotty Parker and Bob Benchley are awaiting us
• Down to the docks to pick up sailors (oop, that was LAST weekend!)
APB, darling, where are you? And what do you want to do in the unlikely event we survive dinner?
Thank you, thank you. What a great song. Those Gershwin boys seem to have a great future ahead of them.
This next number goes out to Eve, who I’ve heard is waiting for that special someone to make an appearance here tonight.
Missed the Saturday dance,
Heard they crowded the floor.
Awfully different without you
Don’t get around much anymore.
Thought I’d visit the club,
Got as far as the door.
They’d have asked me about you
Don’t get around much anymore.
Darling I guess
My mind’s more at ease.
But nevertheless
Why stir up memories?
Missed the Saturday dance,
Heard they crowded the floor.
Awfully different without you
Don’t get around much anymore.
Take it away fellas…
Well, madam, it would seem that your entree is taking a bit longer than I expected.
What’s that? You’ll merely share with your date?
NO!! DON’T DO THAT…uhmmm…I mean, <ahem> he seems to be enjoying it so much that there may not be any left. Don’t worry, yours will be out shortly. You had the limburger bisque, no?
Oh, and for the after-dinner experience of kings, I suggest the monster-truck rally down the street. Magnifique!
<walks in carrying three pizzas>
Hey, did someone order some pizzas?
<walks over to Eve and APB>
Did you order some pizzas? No. Ok, I guess they did mention something about a kitchen. Hey, not that I think of it, they also mentioned something about being quiet too. Oh well. Wow, that’s a cool band.
<sits down in the booth, moves over next to Eve>
Hey, what’s your sign? You know, my cars outside. I have a few more orders in there, but we could move them out of the way. The back seat is huge if we move the orders into the front seat. So what do you say? Should we get out of here? We could go back to my place. I have my own room and my parents shouldn’t be back for at least 4 hours.
<winks>
Hehe. So what do you say?
Wobbie, would you PLEASE stop trying to pick up my date?
<picke Wobbie up by the scruff of the neck>
Okay, sir you’ve bothered our customers long enough. The pizzas? NO, we did NOT order pizzas! For the love of God, man, we’re a RESTAURANT!! Do you really think our food would be bad enough to need to order a PIZZA?!
No, wait, I didn’t say you should TAKE them with you! I guess we should, uhmmm…take them, just so there’s no confusion, eh? Yes, just bring them into the kitchen, and then get out, you ruffian.
Hey!! Let go you idiot.
<kicks and bites Jester>
Man, why did you have to interupt me. I tell you, she wanted me. She was all over me like butter on bread. But owe well. I don’t think that I could compete with that Platinum Charge card.
<looks around>
Wow, this is a nice kitchen.
<goes and samples the Kimodo Dragon>
Hey, this tastes an awful lot like cat. NOT that I would know what cat would taste like. Anyway, I’ve got more pizzas to deliver, so I think I will go.
<leaves the resteraunt>
Eve! I’ve been waiting for you in the new alcove they constructed for us. Didn’t they tell you we switched tables?
Oh, good, the food is here…what is this? Waiter! This grilled Komodo dragon wrapped in banana leaves with satay sauce looks remekably like alley cat in collard greens with mayonnaise. Please bring me some ketchup.
How is your shrimp, sweetest?
Hmph. At least the music has improved.
After dinner I was thinking maybe we should hop on the concorde and head over to Paris; there’s this fabulous dancer in one of the clubs over there named Baker (hey, I can mix eras if I want to). Of course given the nature of the help these days, and the pilot and maintenance people we are likely to get, we may not want to take the concorde.
But first let’s finish up here. Would you like desert? No, me neither. Oh waiter? Check, please.
While we’re waiting, would you like to dance?
Darling—I’ve been distraught without you!
Concorde, hmmm? . . . Maybe we should take a ship. I hear the Titanic is sailing tonight, and I’m sure the maitre d’ can get us last-minute tickets. It’s a White Star liner, so I’m sure it will be delightful.
I’d love to dance—do you do the Castle Walk? The Maxixe? Or do you prefer an old-fashioned Gavotte?
Ah, we have a whole hour to nuzzle and type Sweet Nothings into each others’ keyboards before I have to go home for the weekend . . . I mean, before I go back into the powder room and prepare for our sailing . . .