I’m not testosterone-riddled. Just mindful of when I’m being walked on. I couldn’t care less about anyone that a) sees me as “petty and grudge-holding” for not immediately capitulating to what is b) a request that is definitely not borderline… it’s flat-out wrong. Ex has zero claim to this item. Even if she tried going to court, I don’t think she’d get it, because it used to be communal property and he now has possession of it post-split. BIL by extension has absolutely zero claim to this item. What really rankles me is BIL’s claim that it was never the ex’s to give up in the first place. If he’s going to come at me what that weak of an argument, without so much as acknowledging that what he’s doing is out of line, he can screw himself. I can’t believe you would simply roll over and hand it over. I’ll even add that to my list: c) anyone that totally ignores the lunacy of his request and considers ME at fault isn’t worth my time.
I agree 100%. The divorce is final, you and the ex agreed on a division of property that gave title to the shelf to you. Therefore, the shelf isn’t theirs anymore. It’s yours. Now that it’s yours, YOU get to decide what to do with it. Tell the ex-BiL to get stuffed, give it away, invite the neighborhood over for a bonfire, whatever. If you want to avoid drama, then tell the ex-BiL that you’ll be pleased to let him haveit if he (or his sister, who gave you the shelf) replace it so you aren’t out of pocket for anything. You get to appear to be reasonable, while letting him know you aren’t going to be pushed around with the ‘That’s our family’s, not yours.’ argument.
But mainly, do whatever you want. It’s your shelf now.
I’d give it back, but if I’m that worried about the ex showing up, or just don’t want to interact with her family, I’d tell them when they could find in in my garage/on the back porch/wherever, that I won’t be home when they come, and I’m not responsible for what happens to it once I’ve put it out and left.
I may also be a little concerned that the ex is putting her brother up to it for an excuse to come by. But I have a really sneaky family that way.
Just say no. It works for Nancy Reagan.
Tell 'em to go seek a writ of replevin; otherwise, you’re not giving away your furniture to just anyone who calls you up on the phone.
I think you’re under no obligation to give it back, I think your indian giver of an ex-BiL is a boor, and I think that your best bet to get the ass off your back may be to give the shelves back. Now, you know how much of a pain in the ass is or isn’t he; if going “la la la” with your pinkies in your ears or saying “sorry, your mother gave it to me, therefore it’s mine” will work - keep it.
I’ve had relatives demand “back” items that other relatives had given to me. “Over my dead body and let me remind you I’m younger than you are” worked. They stepped back mumbling things along the lines of “oh, I had no idea you valued it…” TAER
Judge Judy would never even consider you giving it back at this point.
Ex-wife gave it to you, and that was almost a year ago. Nobody felt any remorse for over a year?!
It is not even your ex-wife asking for it back!
Screw them.
Tell 'em to sue you, go on Judge Judy (hey, it is a $5000 split just to be on the show) and let them plead their case.
You win.
May I add that this is so petty - has none of them ever heard of IKEA? Or is this bookshelf made of ivory with gold trim and hand crafted by virgin nuns in the 1500’s?
Bah, fuck em. If her or her family wanted it badly she should have requested it in the divorce. Who cares what the ex-family thinks about you? If you don’t care that much about the shelving (and c’mon, it’s SHELVING! It’s not like it’s an antique sewing machine) and want to be charitable just sell it to him. It’s your shelving, after all. Or, if you do decide to give it back just leave it outside on your porch and he can come pick it up.
I really like beowulff’s suggestion though.
I went through something similar a few years back when my after my ex and I split up. He walked out, telling me I could have everything. I took him at his word, and our divorce papers reflected this.
My ex-SIL called me up sometime later, out of the blue, demanding I return furniture that was supposed to ‘stay in the family.’ Problem was, some of it was stuff my ex and I had bought together - that was the extent of its ‘family history.’ It was just as much mine as his.
Part of what I had was a dining room set that my ex had bought before we’d gotten together. I sold it on CraigsList. My (batshit crazy) SIL demanded I go get it back. I laughed in her face.
As for the OP? After all this time? It sounds to me like someone is in need of a shelf and asked, “Hey, whatever happened to that shelf of Granny’s that Suzy used to have?”
She copped to where it was, and now you’re on the hook for giving it back.
I say keep it.
Is there anything remotely unusual or heirloomy about the shelves? Because I could never in a million years be bothered to call an ex in law to get something that I could just as easily pick up at Ikea or Target.
I’d take them at their word, and assume they want it back for some reason other than busting your balls. I think it’s a little classless to ask, and they should definitely be willing to make it as convenient as possible for you, but overall I think it’s best for you to give it back.
Thanks for the responses, folks.
If I recall correctly, the shelves were actually built by my ex’s grandfather, who died about twenty years ago. I can see why if that’s the case, they may have some sentimental value. Other than that, though, they’re pretty basic - it’s really just a box made out of oak boards that need to be refinished.
As it turns out, my girlfriend kinda wanted an excuse to go to Ikea this weekend anyway, so I’ve decided to that the semi-high road. I sent XBIL a text that said, essentially, “Get in touch to make arrangements to pick it up Sunday. I need a few days to locate a replacement. Ex is NOT to be present.”
This’ll be at my convenience, so he’d better get back soon on the off chance that I happen to make other plans with somebody.
At least he’s not a gachupine.
Honestly, I’d want that, if it were me. I mean, I’m not a crazy person who’d be like “But Daddy screwed that Sauder bookcase together with his bare hands!!!” but anything my dad actually built, no matter how basic, I think I’d want it. Good for you, you’re doing the right thing.
I was wondering if they were maybe built by someone in the family. I think you’re doing the right thing, but I’d check online to see how much new shelves are going to cost and tell x-BIL that you’ll sell him the shelves.
Do you still keep contact with this family? Because if you are trying to avoid them so much, who cares what they think? Do they ever come to your house? Just say you gave it to Goodwill and be done with it.
However if you deal with them regularly, it might be worth giving it back just for peace.
My two cents:
1.) The shelf is yours.
2.) There is a teeny-tiny chance that the shelf actually does have some sentimental value for them.
3.) It is inconvenient for you to lose the shelf.
4.) They should be responsible for purchasing a replacement shelf (of your–reasonably priced–choice), assembling it, moving the LPs onto the new shelf, and removing the old shelf.
If they can’t be arsed about #4, then they really aren’t telling the truth with regard to #2, and you don’t owe them dick.
This would make a difference for me too. I’ve a coat rack that my SO’s father (now deceased) made specifically for me. I’d been lamenting my inability to find a nice one, so he made it and gave it to me for Christmas on year.
I’ve already decided that if, heaven forbid, my SO and I ever break up, I will offer the coat rack back to my SO. I loved my SO’s dad, but it would mean much more to my SO.
I think this is absolutely correct and a very wise approach.
It’s intriguing to me 1) how much the OP doesn’t want to see the ex and 2) how he hasn’t been in contact with the former family but is willing to play nice with them.
It could be that she’s a real drama queen and he may need to enlist their help in corralling her at some point in the future. Or it could be that they have a child and the OP would like to keep good relations with them in case the ex gets pissy about custody. Or maybe they were just helpful and decent even when the marriage fell apart.
In general, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, there’s no point burning bridges if you don’t have to, it’s silly to borrow trouble, and a number of other clichés.
Also, the OP’s mention of a current SO is relevant. Many of us have been there—you hear all kinds of vitriol about an ex- and think, ‘Uh, how you’re treating your ex could be how you one day treat me, should this relationship not work out.’ I think that has to be balanced with being a man, i.e. demonstrating that you can be fair and decent yet stand up for yourself.