Examples of inventions that seem like a good idea but turned out to be worthless

Actually I like our rice cooker. I grew up on Minute Rice, and then had an Asian roommate in college who introduced me to REAL rice, made in a rice cooker. Man, what a difference. Haven’t had Minute Rice since.

I am now married to a Japanese woman, and our rice cooker gets used every couple of days.

Closely related: that little red panic button we all have on our car key remotes.

It was put there to call attention to you in order to have people rush to your aid if you are attacked in a parking lot, yes?

But all it does is call attention to your car, “Hey everybody, look at this car, pay no attention to the terrible things going on over there in the shadows, look a this car!!!”

I think that DIVX actually was a good idea, it just wasn’t a good enough idea compared to Redbox and Netflix, both of which solved the problems it solved much more effectively.

Renting videos used to be more expensive and time consuming. A disc that you could buy for not much more than a rental price, which you could then (if you liked it) upgrade into a part of your “home video library”, or (if you didn’t like it) just toss it in the trash, seems great. No need to worry about late fees from not getting it back on time, and if the pricing is right, it could be a real winner.

But… Netflix is even more convenient. No late fees, no driving, better selection, etc. That along with little Redbox kiosks all over the place means that the market was better served by other advances.

I use it all the time. I have small children. They are very interested in looking at and talking to me/my wife/our relatives at a distance and much less interested in a disembodied voice.

Not sure if that’ll persist as they grow older, but it wouldn’t surprise me either way.

The only electric kitchen gadgets that are worth it are ones that you use a lot, can operate relatively unattended, or replace arduous work. Electric coffeemaker? Great. You can set it on a timer and have coffee when you wake up! Electric mixer? Yes, whipping cream by hand is a pain in the ass! Electric can opener? You mean I should replace the thing that I don’t even use every day and fits nicely in the drawer with a thing on the counter that takes up a plug and I still have to stand there to operate it? Niche uses maybe for people with arthritis or other issues where physically doing the thing is difficult or painful.

I’m still going to go with the fucking car fob. Goddamned pieces of shit, I just hate the fuckers so much.

Seriously, they’re a result of capitalism run amok, the incessant need to fucking monetize everything. Because you know and I know that…

*… some worthless Fuckwit at GM or Toyota or Chrysler (well, not them) or Hyundai sat down upon entering the office, keys in hand. After saying “hello” to his coworkers, he tosses his keys on the desk… whereupon they capture his attention…

… hey! I have an idea which could make my career!

I have here a piece of metal which is mission critical to the functioning of a $30,000 piece of equipment… and we’re just giving them away! And, not only that, but when the consumer needs a replacement, they can just go to Home Depot and get another one for $1.25. That’s not fair! That’s our money, those are our keys!

Fuckwit quickly reserves a conference room, grabs all the other asswipes and douchenozzles working at Fuck-U-Motors, and says:

“We need to make our careers out of keys.”
“Keys?”
“What do you mean, Mr. Fuckwit, sir?”
“I’m all ears, boss.” <- This guy is the suckup douchenozzle mentioned earlier
“Not too sure that’s a great idea Jim…” Fuckwit shoots glaring daggers at Asswipe, “b-b-but I’m willing to listen!”

“So here is what we’re going to do. We have this simple piece of metal which costs $.02 to make, but we do not monetize it. What we are going to do is build, not just a new key, but a… how about a “Remote Keyless Entry System”, which will have the following characteristics:

  1. It costs $189 to buy, added to the cost of the car
  2. It costs $189 to replace, and can only be done by us
  3. If we allow third-party vendors access to our key system, we’ll just ensure that $49 goes to us, as that’s our profit off these stupid pieces of shit
  4. We can charge $89 for the battery
  5. The operational parameters are:
    … You must be able to drive off with this “fob” thing in your wife’s purse
    … Gotta be big. Much bigger than a key. And heavier, too. If you sit on this thing, you’re gonna know it.
    … Battery has to run out! If the battery doesn’t run out, how do we monetize key batteries at $89 a fuckin’ pop?
    … Let’s make it so that… sometimes… the car doesn’t recognize the fob, requiring you to put your key in something called a “fob pocket”?
  6. But, you know, you can unlock your car from a distance!
    

Well?”

They look at each other uncomfortably…

“Well, geez, Bob, that sounds swell and all… but, why? Why would anybody be happy with that?”

“Holy shit, you’re fucking stupid, Sean! You think our careers depend upon customer HAPPINESS, Sean? What’s this hippy-dippy, shit? No, dammit, we get measured by financial results, and I just came up with a plan which allows us to…” … runs some quick figures on a calculator… “… uh, 664k cars sold annually at an estimated additional revenue stream of about… say… $189 per new car on 600k cars, and $15 annualized for every older car (assuming 1 replacement over a 12 year lifespan)… allows us to take something we currently give away for free and turn it into a… let me see…

… a $150,000,000 revenue stream.

$150 million, Sean. Fuckin’ Ivy Leaguers. I thought y’all were good at math and shit.”

“You don’t have to be insulting, Bob. What’s the selling proposition on these things?”

“We’ll tell the rubes that it’s convenience, that it’s worth paying $189 for something that was once free because… shit, I don’t know… they don’t have to fumble for their keys at the grocery store? That’s why we have a marketing team, gang, but one thing I’m sure of?

They’re Americans. They’ll buy it. They buy everything.”

The room bursts into applause, and all of them receive promotions and bonuses for the next 10 years because… *

… because, sometimes, the worse design wins out, and this has nothing to do with improved functionality.

… no, I don’t have a bug up my ass about these things. Why?

Paraphrasing Douglas Adams:

:smiley:

to be fair, marrying ketchups is more of a restaurant thing than a home thing. I hope.

They were very useful for a while, until something better came along. If you that counts as “turned out to be worthless,” you’d have to include very invention that eventually became obsolete.

About the fobs- they do make it easier to find your car in a big lot. Just press lock repeatedly until you hear a beep, then follow the sound. The panic button is worthless, I’ll agree.

The keys may be expensive and a pain in the ass, but I believe they do reduce car theft.

Someone recently donated a century-old book to my library titled “Tom Swift And His Photo Telephone.” This book was published before we had radio, never mind Skype! The flyleaf is a graphic of Tom on a telephone of the time (a wooden box with a handcrank) and a picture screen above it. Apparently, he used it to foil some train robbers.

Digital audio tape had a brief “wave of the future” in the 1980s, and rapidly faded away. From what I heard, it was mostly used to record live shows, because the recorded was small enough to smuggle into concerts, and then transformed into bootlegs.

Don’t think I’ve ever seen those outside the restaurant I worked at when I was in college in the early 1990s, and we used them all the time, for ketchup, mustard, and other bottled condiments. Got two half-full bottles? Convert them into a single full bottle; that “presents” better than a partial bottle. That “spike” breaks the vacuum, and the whole thing is harder to knock over than two bottles placed mouth-to-mouth.

You could also use it for shampoo and other bottled liquid or thixotropic items.

One of my roommates, who also worked there, thought they looked like packaged douches. :o

(Thixotropic - something that is solid or semi-solid at rest, and reverts to the liquid phase when shaken up. Ketchup is probably the best-known example of this.)

Yes, but this functionality did not need to be integrated with the key.

In the early 1990s, a musician friend used Digital Audio Tape (DAT) to record backing tracks–keyboard, bass, etc.–he’d use in his live shows at local bars. It worked well for him, but the technology wasn’t good for much else, and he gave it up when blank DATs got harder and harder to find. He moved over to MP3s as they became more popular and useful.

Car fobs. Is my 2 door Jeep Wrangler the last vehicle using a plain old key?

They are great but…if the apple is too big or even too hard, they don’t work. You have to have the strength of The Hulk to get it to cut through.

True, but I haven’t had that issue yet, fingers crossed.

The only thing I don’t like about fobs is on my Mazda 3, I will occasional accidentally pop open my trunk or set off the alarm because the fob rubs up against my keys or change in my pocket. (I’ve tried to tape up the connector inside the fob but couldn’t do it for some reason—can’t remember why.) Other than that, I love the damn thing. My newest Mazda 3 has the proximity sensor, so I can open the door and start the car without taking the keys out of my pocket. I thought, at first, this would not be useful, but with the kids, it has been a godsend in making it easier to load them in the car.

We used this a lot – but my bedroom was in the basement, so it made a lot of sense.

Then one day people living several houses down (who had a kid with the same name as me) got the same model and we ended up having a very confusing day until we realized we were getting crosstalk.

Yup. Teens use it constantly, often because their photos have wifi and unlimited text messages, but don’t have cell phone service.

It’s also great for kids talking to grandparents.

I’ve had 3 or 4 cars with key fobs, and every one of them has used a standard CR2032 battery that you can buy for less than $1 on Amazon, and that can be changed in a few minutes with simple tools (usually just a flathead screwdriver to pop the key apart.

I, personally, am happy to pay the extra $hundreds for they keys with the proximity sensor. Again: small children. The fewer things I need to do with my hands, the better, because I’m often trying to carry four things and a child to the car.