Should we stay here or jump to the where Arthur finds a vital clue in scene 27? There aren’t any swallows in this scene, but in the corner you can see a ::Erk!::
Shut up, you’ll be stone dead in a minute.
I feel happy . . . I feel happy . . .
It’s a witch! BURN HER! BURN HER!
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin…
Minstrel sings:
Bravely bold Sir Robin Brought forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his penis–
Robin (interrupting): That’s…That’s, uh… That’s enough music for now, lads. It looks like there’s dirty work afoot.
Three headed knight: HALT!!!
Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for yards around!
For second… after second…, Robin held his own, but the onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his tactics!
Minstrel:
Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away away…
When Danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly chickened out…
Bravely bravely bravely bravely
Bravely bravely bravely bravely
Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin!
Robin:
No!
I didn’t!
No!!
I didn’t!
I never did!
All lies!
I never!
GALAHAD: There it is!
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN: Oh, great.
ARTHUR: Look! There’s the old man from scene twenty-four!
BEDEVERE: What is he doing here?
ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions–
GALAHAD: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions–GALAHAD: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN: Oh, I won’t go.
GALAHAD: Who’s going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
ROBIN: Yes?
ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN: Hey! I’ve got a great idea. Why doesn’t Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s–
ARTHUR: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions–
GALAHAD: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch… and pray.
LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is ‘Sir Launcelot of Camelot’.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your favourite colour?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN: That’s easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your name?
ROBIN: ‘Sir Robin of Camelot’.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your quest?
ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
ROBIN: I don’t know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What… is your name?
GALAHAD: ‘Sir Galahad of Camelot’.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your quest?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your favourite colour?
GALAHAD: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What… is your name?
ARTHUR: It is ‘Arthur’, King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is your quest?
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don’t know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.
And now for something completely different:
<—this is my 100th post
Carry on.
SOLDIER #1:Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR:It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1:Pull the other one!
ARTHUR:I am,… and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1:What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:Yes!
SOLDIER #1:You’re using coconuts!
ARTHUR:What?
SOLDIER #1:You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ 'em together.
ARTHUR:So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through–
SOLDIER #1:Where’d you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR:We found them.
SOLDIER #1:Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
ARTHUR:What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1:Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER #1:Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR:Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER #1:What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR:It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1:It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR:Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER #1:Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR:Please!
SOLDIER #1:Am I right?
ARTHUR:I’m not interested!
Black Knight: Have At You!
Arthur: You’ve got no arms left!
BK: The black knight always triumphs!
Arthur: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after that, the oral sex.
But where does the wombat fit in to all this?
<<Swinging helplessly over the wedding crowd>>
Excuse me, could somebody give me a push?
“I bet you’re gay.”
“No, I’m not!”
We’re knights of the round table,
We dance whene’er we’re able,
We do routines,
And chorus scenes,
Our footwork impec-cable!
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and Spamalot!
I still say we kill him
Nooo… let’s be nice to him.
“We are the keepers of the Sacred Words— Ni, Ping, and Nee-Womm!!”