Explain to how my husband arranged for all these escorts

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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My husband of 16 years just came clean about a sex addiction that started with porn and sex with anonymous women before meeting me. It escalated to massage parlor happy endings and brothels (lots of different counties) and escorts (domestically) over the last 7 years. All the counseling has told me this is not about me. He says he had nothing to do with me, he just wanted to experience all the sex he didn’t get to in hs and college. This was going on before we were trying to habe kids, during and after. I have a 5 year old and 8 month old. I never thought he was the type to ever check out other women let alone hire hookers.

He said there are sites that review escorts and to not look like a cop, he had to write reviews. Seriously? I saw there where some people on other threads that have experience or knowledge of how this all works -and didn’t seem mean. Can some of you guys explain how this works. He is in several SA support groups and counseling to recover…and wants to start over. I am just shattered…I can’t see how I can ever have sex with him again without feeling compared. I just want to know what its like in this “other world” that he has had a secret life.

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Maybe you should talk to this guy.

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Is there somewhere in can buy escort futures or stocks? Interest seems to be skyrocketing lately.

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It is a volitile market–it could go bottoms-up at any moment.

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Lol i did ask that guy a question…we’ll see if he replies.

I asked a guy who specializes in polygraphing sex addicts if all men cheat because it sure feels that way. Never was cheated on before (that I know of anyway). He said we don’t know how high the % of men who cheat is exactly but if we did no one would get married. To me the worse part is not even the cheating, its the deception. He tricked me into marring him, having kids, staying etc. So funny how people see nothing wrong with porn but once you get into this world of sex addiction you find so many (all?) start with porn and progress to the next bigger hit. Before they know it, they are getting bjs from transvestites and everyone looks at them as the dirty old men. (Mine wasn’t with transvestites, just trying to lighten the mood.)

6

The counselors are telling you the truth; it has nothing to do with you. It never did.

It’s nothing you did or did not do. Even if you spent every night swinging from the rafters like a trapeze artist, he would still have done what he did.

When he’s out chasing strange, he’s not thinking about you. He never was.

When he has been with you, he has not thought about all those other times with other partners. He probably does not think of those partners again five minutes after he scores with them.

It’s not about quality; it’s about quantity. It’s about the thrill of the hunt and the new experience.

Some people are wired differently. I once worked with a man who was a self-professed “sex addict.” He couldn’t go to the corner for a cup of coffee without attracting someone looking to get busy. He would go out to lunch and wind up having sex with someone somewhere. These people have radar that picks one another up everywhere. Many of the everyday errands of his life were punctuated with sexual contacts with absolute strangers. I know people will read this and think I am shining them on, but I’m not; some people have this kind of thing as their hobby, their obsession, even.

That man was also an alcoholic; part of my job was tracking him down in the afternoons when he went to a bar and dragging him back to the office. That was probably not a coincidence.

There are sources for people looking for anonymous sex, for people looking for professional sex. Most of them are online. Just real recently not so many as before – there’s now new federal law that makes owners and operators of online prostitution sites AND THE PEOPLE WHO USE THEM more prone to serious jail time if they get caught. Google “backpage.com” for more information on this story, it’s still unfolding.

Until recently sites like “craigslist” had a personals section that let people hook up with other people.

Again, it’s all on him, it’s all in his head. It’s no reflection on you in any way.

Since you have children together this makes it a more complicated situation. Totally understand why you’d not want to have anything else to do with him, why you’d be angry, why you’d be hurt. He betrayed you and violated your marriage vows. He exposed you to physical risk from potential STDs and HIV. (I hope you have gotten checked out.) But as you two have those hostages to fortune together you’re going to have to deal with him in some form for the rest of your life. And if you still love him … that’s so painful.

I hope you find a resolution to this that ultimately gives you peace. Continue talking to a counselor, your own therapist, or other sources of assistance.

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So, with escorts are you supposed to ignore all the one-star reviews like on Amazon?

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Most of those sites have been getting shut down lately, maybe it was getting too hard for him to find his fix. Mention of reviews makes me assume he was talking about TER (the erotic review) which has been shut down.

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Given that something like 99.99999999999% of guys look at porn, you could almost say “it starts with breathing oxygen and…”

10

So, what, is it Hooker Month here on the SDMB?

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For most people, looking at porn, or having a drink, or spending a night in a casino, or having a piece of chocolate cake, or smoking a joint, interacting with others, it’s no big deal.

You can point to most any action people do and for the great majority of folks it’s just a part of life, no big deal.

For others, they can’t have one drink without getting knee walking, commode-hugging drunk. Every time.

Some people put bets on any and everything; I’ve heard of people who bet on which raindrop will fall down the window first.

There are people who binge eat until their throw up. And then they eat some more.

There’s TV shows on people who fill their houses with anything from hobbies to old newspapers in piles ten feet tall. This includes people who hoard hundreds of cats or dogs or fish or birds or geckos or whatever.

In these times most everyone knows someone with a drug habit, whether it be to Coca-Cola or cocaine, to pain killers of every stripe.

I’m being tedious here but the point is this: For every action under the sun, there’s someone obsessed with it, addicted to it or the feeling it induces, craving the whatever it is they feel.

In your case, again, your husband didn’t go into all this thinking he was addicted to acquiring sex. He was no doubt genuine when he fell in love with you and got married and had kids. He did this most likely because this is what people are expected to do in the course of their lives, these are milestones just like graduating from school and getting a job. Society encourages, even expects us to couple up; a gazillion years of genetics pushes you to procreate.

People who act out through sex do so regardless of who or whatever they might have at home. It’s chasing adventures as a sexual outlaw or scratching an itch. For some it is an overwhelming compulsion, though I bet for most of those who play around it’s a crime of opportunity. (Women do it too.) There’s not a lot of people that get up out of bed in the morning and think, “I’m going to fuck a stranger today.” But then some combination of something or another happens and there they are.

Not excusing it. Just saying.

Right now you are probably seeing everything through the prism of anger and disappointment. That will color your view and not in a way that is useful to you or your family. I’m not saying that you should just accept what has happened as all right – because it most assuredly is not – but you should try to sort out this situation without harsh judgment of him or of yourself. To get to that point may take some time and most likely some counseling for each of you.

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The schedule is around here somewhere. I think next month is “plushies”.

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Sure, and all those cheating men are only cheating with hookers and deceived single women. The percentage of women that cheat is a lot higher than you seem to think. Humans like attention. Sex with someone new is exciting. That’s true regardless of what sex organs you have.

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Well, it’s a nice change from Rape Month, that’s for sure.

15

I thought that they changed the name to Canola Month?

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Where women have more freedom, infidelity rates for women approaches the male rate. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a human thing.

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Wouldn’t it be awesome if that was her husband? It’s like a real-life, horrifying version of The Pina Colada Song.

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Look, it’s not just us; it’s Hooker Month In America.

So, if we resolve all the “politicians with hookers” stuff, can next month be “plushies” for the whole country?

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To put a more direct answer to your questions, yes there are sites like this. Some are basically forums not unlike The Straight Dope with sub topics except all they discuss is scoring with women. I assume there are ones for gay and other tastes also. The classic site was the USA Sex Guide and its companion, the World Sex Guide. All are shut down at the moment.

In the USA SG there were forums for each state, and major cities under those headings. In each city’s forum there were the base forums for Streetwalkers, Massage Parlors, Craigslist experiences, BackPage experiences, Strip Clubs and probably more that I can’t remember.

Guys posted about their experiences in some detail, what they did, how much it cost, how nice was her room, everything. If it was from a listing they would include a link to her advertising page. For a street hookup they would at least tell where they met, what she looked like, maybe a cell phone photo or two, some of them during the sex act. One common thing I noted was guys called themselves mongers. If a particularly nice hooker had a phone number they would share the number among themselves, but only if you were a ‘senior monger’, hence the need to post your own experiences so others trust you.

On BackPage and the Erotic Review, it is the providers (hookers) who do the postings. Each lady has her own page of advertising with photos, prices, services offered, etc. Many code words were used, i.e. oral is 50 ‘flowers’, regular sex is 100 ‘flowers’, all in an attempt to provide less evidence if they got busted. I have no idea if these silly tactics work.

TER in particular has a full page on each woman with check boxes for dozens of categories. Some are services, oral, regular, anal, etc. Others are personal attributes like hair color, weight, height, age, nationality, size of boobs, natural or augmented, shaved, trimmed or natural pubic hair. Everything is searchable so you can quickly see how many fit your desires. Just fill out the search form and check off the right boxes.

Then they add reviews that go into great detail, but I think you need to be a paying monger to get to those.

And then there are more specialized web sites. One might feature mature women, transsexuals, dominant women, Asian, European or South American women, on and on.

So it’s pretty easy.

Dennis

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It’s just more likely when it’s a Wurlitzer.