Thank you, TubaDiva, for respecting the seriousness of what Blindsided2 is going through.
Blindsided2, you would benefit a great deal from therapy with an addictions counselor - to help you deal with the upheavals you’re experiencing. See if you can google some in your area. Substance abuse counselors will know where to look. Also, S-Anon is a powerful resource for partners of sex addicts to use.
Yes, he is the addict here; as such, he is the source of much of the suffering. Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking “Since he’s the addict, he has to do all the work.” That won’t help you. What you need right now is to take care of yourself. Attending the S-Anon meetings and going through your own therapy will bring you healing. And don’t make any decisions on Saving the Marriage right now, and don’t allow any pressure from him to make such decisions. You both have a lot of work to do right now (no, it isn’t fair that you have to do it) - please create space and focus on that work.
I have to echo again, his addiction has nothing to do with you. His tendency to deception has nothing to do with you. Please don’t kick yourself over these things; he is damaged and has been damaged since long before he met you. And now his damage is harming you. You have the right to resent him for it, but you owe it to yourself to get some help for you.
Thank you everyone for your replies. TubaDiva and Albert Rose, you both give very good advice and I especially appreciate your kind and thorough replies. I am aware of these things, I see a CSAT and am in multiple support groups for wives of addicts. I can give many book recommendations for any other partners, women or Men, if anyone wants them.
I am just trying to find out from men who use them or know about them- what its really like to know who this man is that I am married to. I can’t get my head wrapped around it. I talking with him and its like my sweet husband. It’s like i am in denial because I can’t see all the women’s been with.
I also just can’t believe that he will ever find me attractive (42 and two kids) when he’s been seeking out 20 years for the last 10 years. I looked up one sit and and all these gorgeous women are there…but there are like $400 an hour. Hes been going to $120 escorts. (2 San Franciso and 1 in Orlando)… The rest were from Brothels in Amsterdam, China, Brazil, Germany . Plus like 30 MP. I am not blaming myself for his poor choices but I Just can’t see how I can stay an not always feel like he’s secretly wishing he was with other women. I don’t want my daughters to be raised in a broken home though either.
I, at the advice of all the books and counselors, won’t make any permanent decisions for a year but I just don’t see how any marriages survive and truly trust again.
Yes, we both have been tested and thankfully are clean. And yes, I am fully aware and angry that he put me and both babies at risk for years.
That’s exactly why they’ve advised that. They know that it’s going to take up to a year for you to be capable of even thinking straight again. That’s not a reflection on anything you’ve done or not done, just according to experience that’s how long it takes.
I’m no expert, but I am again surprised at how quickly people are considered an addict (just like in the other thread). Those numbers over more than 16 years…
It does sound like most of the escort visits happen when he has an opportunity to do so. It sounds likes he travels (for work?) a lot and might get into situations (and places) that gives him an opportunity. This is probably irrelevant in your case, but sometimes there can be some peer pressure from colleagues/clients as well. If brothels or clubs are legal, you often see people that are travelling for business (in groups) attending. My experience is mostly in Germany and when there are big trade fairs in town (Frankfurt, Cologne, Dusseldorf for instance), clubs are packed and many girls will even plan their vacations around these fairs or come over from elsewhere. During the big car fair in Frankfurt, it feels you run into about half the people working the stands later at night. And when groups of male colleagues come there together… well people get talked into doing shit. But again, probably not relevant in your case. If my assumption about travelling for work is right, I do wonder how you’ll ever trust him again when he is “on the road”.
To add to what mixdenny said, I believe it is also common that girls ask for (good) reviews to be written, since it’s good for business. You might need the positive references if you want to meet up with someone you don’t know yet. Most people however, enjoy writing up what happened and having a place (“community” even) to talk about all this stuff. There are many, many forums about prostitution also when nothing is to gain (and where girls typically don’t like to be written about).
While the ethics of cheating is not often discussed among “mongers”, many of them are married (could be the majority). I have heard many different reasons over time. Some as simple as “wanting a 20 year old body” again, or to make up for missed experience in their younger years. Some because they feel the need for “new sex”; even 20 year olds get cheated on and many clients get bored with girls after a few sessions (so they move on to someone new). Some to feel “wanted” by young girls. Some because the sex at home is almost non existent. Really I have even known men who were dropped off and picked up by their wife. In most of these cases there was a clear drop in the woman’s sex drive (often due to medical issues). In any case, the sex often has very little (if any) meaning. It is a physical thing and hopefully a bit of fun, but emotionally it means nothing. I am not saying that to make it sound “less bad”, but just to make clear that most of these cheating mongers love their wives dearly… and when someone occasionally finds out and leaves, they are heart broken (and know it’s been their own fault). To take a bit of leap, most likely is that he really doesn’t want to “be” with all these other women; he might sometimes want sex with someone and to him that means something entirely different. Again, not saying at all that this means it’s “ok” or anything like that.
Polar Bear, he was sexual with over 50 women since 2009 and was traveling for work- was in Colgne, Germany. He told himself he deserved it and all executives cheated on their wives. (He now says this was faulty thinking to justify it.) He actually never went to these places with others. He broke off and did it. Apparently, addicts think/plan about this stuff for weeks to escape reality (he says stress from work nothing that he was unhappy about with me)… and then act out. This to me seems like a a choice not addiction. Well lack of sex at home wasn’t from my lack of trying. I enjoy(ed?) sex and would wear lingerie and was a size 2…Turns out he wanted sex with anyone but me. Sooo double my anger because I was the fool missing out on sex. He says he loves me and saw sex as dirty so didn’t want it with me. I went without sex because he said he had low T! ������
I love that the government stepped in and finally did something about sites that are doing bad stuff but seriously bad timing for me. I want to get a visual for the “quality” of prostitutes he’s been paying for. I found other sites where the girls are gorgeous but he didn’t pay $400+ an hour. I don’t know why but I just want to know what he is really like when he isn’t with me. Is he at least respectful to these girls or demanding, arrogant and degrading in his reviews? I am not saying infidelity is okay either but you can tell a lot about a person’s character by what they are like when they think they are getting away with something.
It seems people have experience with this or other who do, do men ever really leave this stuff? Am I just going to find out 10 years from now he relapsed and was doing it again? Anyone have any success stories of relationships making it through. Or when i can think straight again a year from now, I am going to just see how disrespected I have been and leave?
I’m a random dude on a random message board, so take what I say with every bit of due caution.
To my mind, once trust is destroyed at this level, there is no road back. Yeah, people can change. Yeah, people can forgive. Yeah, there are stories of redemption and recovery. But they are the rare exception, not the norm. The norm is that it all ends in anger, resentment and divorce.
No one can tell you which outcome is the right one for you. But the statistics are not with the hopeless optimists.
The good news is, if you want it, you get a chance to start again with someone new and with a whole lot of experience and knowledge about yourself and the things you want and, most importantly, the shit you’ll never put up with ever again. Because you don’t have to.
So take a year (or however long you need - but not too long!) to think about it. Until then, leave your options open.
Has he been sharing needles with the kids? I thought the panic about catching HIV from casual contact was taken care of by a few “very special episodes” back in the 80s.
I don’t know about high priced girlfriend experience escorts but the brothels in Europe don’t need a lot of planning. We are talking about taking 15 minutes out of your day.
there’s the chance he could have contracted it before they were conceived, but given how long OP says this has been going on that’s probably not likely.
Yes, and since it’s already known that he lies, she actually may not know how long he’s been having sex with people who have a lot of sex with other people. Thanks for demonstrating why we need ongoing HIV education, though.
OP: What inspired him to come clean? Was it by his own volition or did he get caught? I actually think you can work through this, but he will need a lot of counseling to get to the root of why he does/did this. As others have said, it has nothing to do with you.
If we’re being honest though, the odds of contracting HIV through PIV sex is pretty darn low, like one in 2500 exposures. I point this out not to excuse what the OP’s husband did, but hopefully to set her mind at ease with regards to infection. Link
This is a good question. Typically I see people quit when they are done or bored with the whole thing; or in some occasions, when they meet someone to have a normal relationship with. But even then many seem to find it difficult to withstand temptation. Deleting profiles on forums and staying away from websites about this is stuff, is always a good indication that someone is serious about quitting. In the end it often boils down to the question of whether he really wants to stop, or whether he’s mostly motivated by not losing what he has in his normal life. But to answer your question directly: yes, people definitely walk away from this stuff and don’t look back.
When he says he doesn’t want to have sex with you because it’s dirty… that seems to be an issue in itself, that may require some attention.
The “dirty” issue above not withstanding, many men that visit prostitutes are sweet. In itself there is no reason to think he would be any different with those women, than with other people he meets. If he’s respectful in everyday life, he’ll most likely be just as respectful to these girls. If he’s an arrogant douche in normal life, then he’s probably the same with these girls. If you ever read his reviews, don’t forget that people sometimes play a role on these message boards as well. Portrayals don’t always mimic reality. I have known guys that sound like real assholes in their stories, but are as meek as a lamb when you meet them in real life (especially to the girls).
I’m not sure what seeing pictures (possibly photoshopped) will do for you, but for the international ones you should still be able to find them. What reviews are concerned, there’s a chance he still has them on a computer somewhere… but you’d have to ask to see them of course.
Right and even if in the unlikely event that he caught HIV from someone the chances of passing it on to his children through normal casual contact is pretty much nil. Unless you’re suggesting that he engaged in high-risk behavior with his children. Is there even one case of the child of an HIV patient catching the disease just by living with them? Of course his wife would have more to be worried about but other STDs would be more of a concern. A simple solution would be to have him get tested and share the written report. That would put to rest even irrational fears of the children catching HIV.
You do make a good argument for the need for more education.
The OP may be interested in a forum/advice website called chumplady.com where I think she’ll find lots of company and some specific advice and experiences from people who have actually been cheated on.
The general advice there is ‘this is how he is (it doesn’t really matter WHY or HOW) your only choice now is to decide if you are willing to live with this reality. And if you decide you aren’t willing to live your whole married life knowing he’s constantly and continually sleeping with strangers, then fuck waiting and counseling and reconciliation efforts and get yourself a divorce lawyer pronto so you can try to protect assets and support for yourself and your kids post divorce.’
They are a very strident group, but honestly I feel like they have a pretty solid basic point.
If you can’t trust him, then do you want to spend the whole rest of your life as his parole officer, checking his phone and emails and constantly wondering what signs you’ve missed?
Do you want to make scheduling an STD check every 6 months just another one of your regular office appointments?
Do you want to explain to your kids that you decided it’s ok for him to cheat on you because …? but that it still upsets you and for them to learn that’s how to be in a relationship?
I mean, there are definitely reasons to stay married. But it seems like there are also good reasons to consider maybe NOT staying with mister Chief Escort Officer.
Yes, and this for unprotected sex with someone who is infected.
A large, large, large majority of sex workers is not infected with an STD (let alone HIV) and a large, large, large majority of sexual services are provided with condoms.
Have him take an STD test just to be sure, but don’t go overboard and make a family outing out of it.
I suppose it’s possible but HIV testing at pregnancy is CDC recommended and pretty standard everywhere. Unless for some strange reason she opted out at the time.
Related to the saying that 9x% of men tell surveys they masturbate and the other 100-9x% are lying.
However I wouldn’t dismiss the idea that internet porn and virtual sex have changed social patterns. Nothing like 90% of men regularly looked at hardcore porn a few decades ago, as opposed to pictures of naked women in magazines. A high % might have seen real porn at some point, but a lot fewer people looked at it regularly than now. Who knows the total effect of that? IMO. It’s one thing to say “consenting adults can do as they please that doesn’t ‘hurt’ others” and another to say wider spread vices (porn, drugs etc) can’t possibly f*ck up society, because, well consenting adults… Who knows whether it damages long term relationships more than it used to.
Anyway I at least partly agree in pushing back on ‘it starts with’ because it’s not necessarily a smoothly slippery slope between what you can easily make pop up on your computer screen strictly one way (you receive) v. genuinely interactive virtual sex to real life cheating. And it’s fairly obvious the % of guys going past one way porn is a lot lower, for some reason or reasons. Which besides any difference in devotion to their SO’s, includes IMO a lot of guys being simply more afraid of taking those further steps, or it just doesn’t appeal them as much.
