I prefer when it goes tits up.
He may suffer from the Madonna-whore complex, where he can’t have sex with someone he respects (his wife), so he avoids sex with her & seeks it out with “dirty” women. The good news is that it’s treatable.
The timeline is
Yes, the risk may be low, since it requires transmission to the mother and then vertically to the neonate. But the risk isn’t 0, and we don’t know anything else about this situation that might increase the risk. In post #24, the OP says
She further says that she is aware and angry that he put her and them at risk.
I’m not sure there’s any reason to dispute suggesting to someone whose spouse was sexually active with other people that they should be tested for HIV.
It is true that i dont know for sure but I have been tested and so had he. I would think one of us would test positive before the kids would right?
My 3 yr old found porn (well went to turn cartoons on and porn was playing in the background so she didnt see anything but I heard it. I demanded he start a 12 step program and weekly counseling in January 2017 or I was prepared for divorce him. So he did, I went to an intensive for partners in Nashville that was EXCELLENT (Bethesda Workshops) and then he went to the addict intensive. That is where he finally told his small group and counselors that it was really all this. he was too scared I was going to leave him so he dragged his feet until I told him in January that if we didn’t have full disclosure (where his discloses all the lies with our counselors present) by the end of Feb I wanted him to move out. While he was preparing for disclosure, he opened a document that was titled “strips clubs, brothels and swingers club in Amsterdam”…which triggered an alert email from the accountability software on his phone. he called me panicked saying he wasn’t a swingger…at first I was totally calm and told him “its okay, we’ll get through this”…it took me a couple of days to realize it meant he had been to a brothel- Even then I thought it would be like a one time/learned my lesson thing. Ironically, i had found a hidden camera key chain on his office desk one day but couldn’t figure out how to get data off it before it disappeared. I told his counselor I knew he was into something besides porn so he better come clean of everything at the disclosure or we were done. Turns out he used it to record him in a couple MP but it was too graining so he stopped using it. I find it odd that he doesn’t know where that camera is now or what happened to it. So to answer question more directly, he was caught with porn (which i was very clear was a deal breaker for me when we were dating- to each their own, but I didn’t want porn in my relationship. I told him if he did, he should find another girl. He agreed but lied and hid it. I found it twice and he promised to stop- even went to pastor (bad idea looking back)…I say this in case anyone thinks I was being “unreasonable” by asking a guy not to use porn. This is what i was trying to avoid.
So while i caught him with porn…I had no idea he was so deep into this other stuff for almost 10 years. He didn’t HAVE to tell me that suff- but he didn’t know what I did know. His counsolor told him I knew something and was going to see if he came clean.
Do you think you know everything now?
As far as the “dirty” element that compelled him with the professional sex, I may be able to clarify that a bit. With prostitutes, guys can get to a place where, depending on the limits and boundaries of the particular girl of course, they engage in acts that they would never engage in with a woman they had respect for. This holds an appeal in and of itself. It’s dark, it’s taboo. But it’s also perfectly understandable why they wouldn’t want to share this with someone they love.
Let’s try to construct a hypothetical. Say, for instance (keeping in mind that logical consistency isn’t a strong suit of the sex addict) that a “monger” gets visceral pleasure from a deviant, extremely objectifying and disrespectful act such as making a prostitute eat their cum out of their hand after oral sex. This sort of darkly kinky stuff can come about with men for myriad reasons, such as anger towards women in general, to any number of things but it’s still not something they’d ever get pleasure out of doing with someone they actually love, respect and value. If they engage in this sort of sexual deviancy long enough and then try to go back to an exclusively positive, healthy respectful sex life, they may find themselves struggling to find adequate pleasure in it. This is what takes work. Sustained, committed, engaged work.
B/c we can ALL laugh at transvestites, right? Hoo-boy, they are some funny shit. :rolleyes:
All men look at porn and all men will lie about it when their hysterical girlfriend asks, ‘You don’t look at porn, do you? B/c I don’t want you if you look at porn.’
Good luck w/ your future relationships, try not to care about what they do when you aren’t there that doesn’t affect you whatsoever or else what you’re living through now is how it’ll wind up. Again.
This is comically untrue. True, there may be some women out there who are that delusional that they believe their man (any man) doesn’t look at porn. But they are by far the exception, not the rule. And it’s definitely a joke that if any man were unlucky enough to encounter one of these women that they would lie if confronted about their porn viewing habits.
Folks this is Why i didn’t want to date a guy with a porn problem. It builds and just like drinking/drugging a lot…you don’t get the same dopamine hit so you have to do it more/go more into extreme porn/go to a more live fix then before you know it…you are visiting hookers. Sorry…my husband 30 year habit with porn lead him here. I won’t say all porn users end up addicts just like not all people who take drugs end up addicts…but they scientifically know porn lights up the brain on scans just like heroin and it is more addictive the younger people start using it . Trust me, I don’t want to date any guys into porn. Even if I end up living alone with a pack of dogs. 
Folks this is Why i didn’t want to date a guy with a porn problem. It builds and just like drinking/drugging a lot…you don’t get the same dopamine hit so you have to do it more/go more into extreme porn/go to a more live fix then before you know it…you are visiting hookers. Sorry…my husband 30 year habit with porn lead him here. I won’t say all porn users end up addicts just like not all people who take drugs end up addicts…but they scientifically know porn lights up the brain on scans just like heroin and it is more addictive the younger people start using it . Trust me, I don’t want to date any guys into porn. Even if I end up living alone with a pack of dogs.
Beckdawrek, I think I do but I don’t know if I know everything now. He let me believe for a year it was just porn. Then he didnt disclose everything in the full disclosure so we had to do another one a couple days later. And then he forgot to mention another inner circle violation after i moved back i. 40 days later. . I am going to ask for a polygraph and go from there. This is pretty common. with addicts.
I honestly think you are looking at this thru the wrong lens. The percentage of men who view porn vs the percentage of men who are “addicted to porn” is infintesimally small. It’s like saying you will never be with a man who uses Robitussin to relieve a cough because some men abuse and get addicted to Robitussin. His problem was with high(er) risk anonymous, secretive sex with prostitutes. If you are lumping together every substance or activity that lights up the reward/pleasure centers of the brain, well, you’re going down the rabbit hole. You should never be with a man who enjoys eating food either. Or enjoys exercise. Or any number of things.
I personally am a recovering sex addict. I blew nearly $400,000 over a period of years on prostitutes. My addiction had nothing to do/no genesis with porn. And I did and do still enjoy the occasional viewing of porn. All this is not to say that there can never be individual, particular instances where porn is the starting point for a man’s sex compulsion, I’m just saying it’s by no means a given or even a regular starting point. I met several other sex addicts over the years in my “adventures” in the dark, underbelly of society where the sex industry flourished. Many of these men would never describe themselves as addicts but some did. All shared the same characteristics. None revealed any sort of connection with pornography.
Oh, let me add a data point too. I had blowjobs from literally hundreds of different girls (my “thing” was pretty much exclusively bjs, no intercourse) and I never once got an STD of any sort (paradoxically, I was extremely paranoid about catching something, despite the fact that I did what I did and I got tested fairly regularly).
I think you’re asking the wrong questions. You’re asking, ‘How can I understand why this person did what he did and lied to me about it for 30 years?’ It doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to understand whatever explanation is offered (not that there’s any justification for his behavior). What you should be asking is, ‘How do I move on with my life without him?’ It seems to me you’re not at that point yet. It takes time.
ISTM that rather than a true starting point, the porn was more of a convenient, less-damaging scapegoat than the real truth. It was never really about porn with him. He just believed porn would be a more palatable thing to accept and come to terms with.
One of the uniquely difficult aspects of overcoming sex addiction, for both the addict and any romantic partner they may have in their lives, is that the addicts drug of choice hits right at the heart of what keeps a romantic partnership alive and together; trust, intimacy and sexuality. I think if all other components are the same, an alcoholic is more likely to have their partner stick with them than a sex addict. It helps fuel the vicious cycle of self-loathing that helped create the addiction in the first place.
It’s funny how you still think you’re in control of him, or even want to be in control of him. All you’re doing is showing him what to say and do to get what he wants from the people in his life when they’re paying attention. You’re not getting honesty, nor will you. The only person you can control is you. Make a plan for your life that doesn’t involve him, b/c he isn’t even the man you thought you were married to all along. Love this new (to you) guy who you built a life w/ **unconditionally ** or split and move on to getting what you want like he has.
I’d be curious to see statistics on the success/fail rate of polygraphs administered on addicts. Addicts are some of the best liars out there, both to others and to themselves. Personally, I’d attach zero significance to an addict passing a polygraph.
I think it’s reasonable for the OP to take her time before making any decisions. If she had no kids, it may be a no brainer, but with a 5 year old and an infant, things are much more complex. Even if she decides to divorce, they’ll likely get joint custody, so she’d be deciding to only see her kids around 50% of the time. I know that’s a decision I wouldn’t make quickly.
I think if she stays with him she needs to have more than unconditional love for him. Conditional love is a necessity for a healthy relationship, IMHO. That doesn’t mean you can’t have both types of love present in a relationship but if the only one present is unconditional love, what does that say about the relationship and how you see your partner if there is nothing they could do to make you leave the relationship? Nothing?! A person can leave a relationship and still love the person. This is the unconditional love. But that’s all that remains after that partner causes a level of pain in them that can’t (and shouldn’t) be worked thru.
The OP says they’ve decided to wait a year to make a decision and barring an unforeseen event I expect that’ll happen b/c it gives her another measure of (superficial) control. For all intents and purposes that year is for him to mend his ways, keep them mended and show improvement while her eyes are on him.
But what he wants to do is get hookers. He’ll play along, pretend to be addicted to porn instead of strongly preferring it to his wife b/c she’s mad at him all the time now, and appear to do what he has to for things to go his way as best they can; he’s already shown that w/ his actions since getting caught. If he’s going to stay in the home and tolerate being the Permanent Bad Guy he’s going to fib enough to make it worth it for as long as he can.
I’ve been the OP to a lesser extent; tried to impress on my husbands that a thing they did wasn’t moral as far as I was concerned, which forced them to take it underground and lie to me about it for years; once we split they were right back to those behaviors in the open, b/c that is what manipulative assholes do to get what they want.