Yeah I hear you. But having kids really puts you in a serious bind, esp when they are so young. I’ve seen numerous friends/family divorce & in this day and age, courts (for the most part) grant 50/50 joint custody to mom & dad. That has to be weighing on her heavily. I know that when my kids were that age, I’d rather be married to OJ Simpson than have only 50% time with my kids–knowing that I could not help them during the other 50% of their lives. It’s a tough situation.
Would they give 50% custody to a guy like this? I find it doubtful.
Blindsided2, I wouldn’t want my kids to see me put up with his shit. What does that teach them? I’d rather show them that strong people don’t let others treat them like that.
I’m really sorry he did this to you and your children.
One thing to realize is that this is a very hard addiction to overcome. You should not think a bit of therapy will put an end to this. He will always struggle to rein in his behavior and will never truly be cured. Long-term success will be totally dependent on his ability and willingness to do the work it takes on an ongoing basis. I’m sure at this moment you both are energized and have the motivation to do the necessary work, but that zeal will fade over time. Months or years down the road it will still need a lot of dedication. Expect many relapses–if it’s not actual sex, it may be sexting or phone sex.
Another thing to realize is that you can never fully trust him. He hid this from you for so long and so well and he can easily do it again. You will have to stay on top of him to know where he his at all times, check his phone, email, work email, and any other means of communication he may have. I’m sure he knows all the ways to use burner phones and secret apps used to arrange meetings. He can hide these phones anywhere so that his main phone is totally clean but he can use these other phones when he has a moment alone. You’ll have to be committed to making sure he stays clean as long as you are with him.
My sister divorced her abusive husband 5 years ago-court recognized that he abused her, but he never abused the kids, so both physical and legal custody was shared 50/50. She had been a stay at home mom since her oldest was born (quit her job to raise their kids) and now 50% of the time, the 3 kids go with her ex & his new gf, who is very unkind to them. They hate it, she hates it, everyone feels hopeless. It’s a much more difficult situation than most people realize
Yep. Both parents will be less miserable apart, that’s obvious; and I’m no scientist but I think when people are less miserable they are better parents.
You (you personally, Blindsided2) can get over this. Whether you can get over it is therefore not an important or useful question.
What is important and useful is knowing if you want to do so.
This may be a clumsy analogy, but think of fixing up a car that has a lot of problems and won’t run. You can always fix it, always. Your imaginary car decision involves two things: finding out the cost and effort it will take to fix it, and finding out how great of a car you’ll end up with when the work is done. A marriage is not a car, but truly you are left with about the same kind of decision. If you do decide to repair this marriage, let that be because you believe that with proper repair it will be truly good - not just because you’d feel guilty otherwise.
A common pitfall to avoid: Putting yourself in debt to the past is never a good move for anyone. When someone says “How could you, we’ve been through so much?” - they really mean “Please don’t think intelligently, cause I’m afraid if you do you’ll realize that in the future I’m a liability”.
First, I do not want to control him. In disclosure, he stated he wasn’t going to carry cash anymore and if he did he’d give me the receipts- I immeditely said I don’t want that responsibility. I am trying to understand how he is thinking, this world and if there is any way I can stay. Please don’t misjudge me as a weak woman- I am not. When I make my mind up- I will not look back. But there are alot of moving parts here- kids, life together and the possibility that he could change. I just can’t get anyone to tell me if my odds are 20,60 or 90%. They say it’s all depends on him and relapses are probably. Relapses with hookers is a deal breaker with me. Masterbation isn’t going to give me an STD 5 years from now when I thought he was sober.
I don’t want to control him- if I didn’t have kids I would be gone- Specifically if I didn’t have an 8 month old I probably would have gone. Without sounding like a religious doormat/nut- I really do believe that God can heal and restore live and marriages. I do believe he sees his whole life- not just this- as needing to change so he can have a better life.
Great analogy and very true. I hesitate to say this because I see two completely different sides to my husband now but- I do like him. I think. lol He makes me laugh and is nice to people. We’ll see. I don’t know if I am going to get past the self esteem hit this has caused though.
He himself says his problem started with habitual use of porn at age 12. 20 years later it escalated to this other stuff. I am in 3 different support groups, have read alot of Patrick Carnes and other books and I will say the one thing all of the addicts he and I have come in contact with have had porn in common. THey usually have trauma or neglect at a young age and porn is introduced as a coping mech. I appreicate your honesty Ambivalid but I have to ask you if you are in recovery? What type of recovery because SA and most others- require you to give up porn for recovery from a sex addiction. Maybe SAA where you come up with your own circles? No disrespected intended. Your choices are yours. I only care about his because they are impacting me.
If God can heal marriages, why was yours allowed to be damaged in the first place? If it was part of God’s plan to damage your marriage, isn’t doing what you can to heal it going against His plan?
I seriously doubt that this guy could get 50/50 physical custody, a concept I don’t believe in under the best of circumstances because then the kids really don’t live anywhere, and from what I’ve seen, it’s little more than a ruse for him to not have to pay designated child support, and he uses the kids as chick magnets because of his “single parent” status. :dubious:
Illicit sexual behavior and an infant? He’ll be lucky to get a few hours of supervised visitation once a month IMNSHO.
I agree. Standard infidelity and more illicit sexual escapades will not affect custody unless the kids are an actual witness to it or something. It simply does not work that way. A very common misconception.
I personally found SAA to be utterly useless for me and I found sex-addiction based cognitive therapy to be an outright scam. I found a good cognitive behavioral therapist (general CBT, not “sex therapy”) who i was able to develop a good rapport with and with an intense amount of work and committment, after more than 5 years in recovery, can say for the first time in my life that i am happy. There is no One True Way for any addict of any stripe. It’s about the individual addict and their motivations, resources and support to get and stay clean that matters.
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback. Its reassuring to hear “from a random dude” that this isn’t the norm. It is hard not to feel that ‘all guys are doing this stuff; its wishful thinking there are some that don’t- they just hide it better.’
I have options and they will be there tomorrow and a year from now too. It is hard not to cut and run out of fear though.
