I used to work in a well-known record store, and in the weeks up to Christmas one of the main tills would be designated cash-only, because at busy times clearing credit cards was the slowest part of any transaction. So there were huge signs put up saying “cash only”. But people would just walk up and wave their credit card. And if you said ‘did you see the sign?’, they’d say ‘yes, but I was at the front of the queue’. But it was guaranteed to screw them, because the card machine at that till wasn’t switched on, so they had to wait for another to be free 
I hate to be the one who says I have the answer, but I generally find this works:
If you’re behind the offending party, count loudly as they place each item on the conveyor belt. My wife hates when I do this, but I’ve only had one person actually continue (up to 18!). The rest fled under my glare and the ill concealed smirk of the cashier.
Lord, I am SO going to get my ass kicked some day…
“I am. Next!”
sigh. I wish.
I honestly do not know. They just said you couldn’t refuse to take anyone who came in your line, UNLESS you were closed.
Only one time did we run a Cash Only Register-at Xmas one year, one of the registers would ONLY take cash for some reason-it just would not process checks and credit cards/gift cards. People were really pissed.
When I worked at a grocery store, however, we did indeed enforce the Express Lane, unless it was the only one open (which was usually only the case for about a half an hour after opening and a half an hour before closing). And I was pretty damn fast-people used to say I was too fast.
There, too, people would bitch if they had a cartload-“But you don’t have anyone and all the other lanes are full!”
Um, too bad. Because two minutes later, someone would come over with two items and then give me shit about letting you in.
In MLS’s situation described, I would have then said, “Excuse me, Sir. But I cannot take anyone who has more than such and such amount of items. Sorry.” And refused to take him unless managment insisted.
Yeah, for me, since I live at home, I go grocery shopping with my mom a lot. Both to pick out my own stuff and to give her a hand. If I hear this, I’d simply divide the stuff into two groups and it’d take a longer time to process our transaction since now the cashier has to take money, count change and wait for the receipt twce.
I find that loudly discussing the nature of the express lane with another person works well.
Last time I saw that the person in front of me had a full cart, I turned to the person behind me and began speaking on the subject of 12 items or less.
After several seconds, the violator turned and angrily admitted that she was over the limit, but demanded to know how many items I had.
I had 4.
“Wait, I’ll check again to be sure- 1, 2, 3, 4. Yes. and 2 and 2 is . . . 4. I have 4 items. Now, I believe (and correct me if I’m wrong here), that 4 is less than 12.”
I’ll treasure that moment always.
So to compound being an asshole, you act like more of an asshole. Way to go.
Haj
DocCathode, you’re my supermarket hero. I’m definitely gonna have to try that one of these days.
I also make it a point to try to help the people who obviously can’t understand the self-checkout lanes. Try being the operative word because most of the time you get a snippy “I can manage” for your troubles. Oh well, nobody can say I didn’t try.
I would just love it if the stores adopted a policy of “<number> of items or fewer and we aren’t kidding.” Enforced by the following:
<number> of items scanned. “Your total is <amount>.”
Customer-who-can’t-count: What about the rest of my stuff?
Cashier: Oh, I’m sorry sir, but that’s over the limit. You’ll have to go through the line again to get it checked out.
CWCC: But I’m in a hurry!
Cash: I’m sorry sir, this register is programmed to automatically stop scanning at <number of items>. I can’t scan any more than that in a single transaction. Buh-bye now.
I do the counting-the-other-person’s-items bit too. It’s always good for a few stares. Particularly when you give the punchline: It’s been reported that 10% of Americans can’t read or count. And they are all in the express line.
When I mention the express line to such people when I’m standing behind them, they often let me go in front of them. Which I think is only fair.
Honey, is that you? 
My husband does the same thing, and then starts in with the snarky comments (usually directed at the cashier) about people who can’t count. Or he’ll say, “Isn’t this the Express Lane? I thought it was the Express Lane. I guess it isn’t. I have less than 10 items, but I guess it ISN’T the Express Lane after all. I wonder why they have that sign there.”
He’s gonna get he ass kicked one day, too.
This is one of those things where I wonder if it really happens as much as people think it happens.
I go to the grocery store almost every day. Sometimes I go twice a day. I can’t even remember the last time someone flagrantly “disobeyed” the 10 items or less rule. I can definitely relate to the “Oh, you expect me to pay” shock that causes a shopper to start fumbling around for their wallet after the last item has been scanned, or even the “drive-thru” -itis whereby shoppers tend to advance their butts just enough to let the next shopper have the podium while congesting the overall store exit experience. I just never experience this particular phenomen.
One of my pet peeves is people in the “express” lane who have to pay by check. Which is in their handbag*. Which is closed. And the check book is deeply buried. And they have to use their own special pen. Which doesn’t work. But might later on. Oh, and can they use food stamps for that beer? Now that that’s all been sorted out, how about these coupons for a different product that they have just excavated from the nether regions of their undergarments? The coupon expired last year, but you still take it, right? Oh, you wanted all those groceries in plastic bags, not paper. Now about that driver’s licence thing, there’s an interesting story why you don’t have it on you right now, why not phone your parole officer who can explain everything.
*handbag if female, third or possibly fifth pocket on your cargo pants if you’re a guy.
Can you describe the ruckus, sir?
Yeah, it happens to me quite a bit. I go to the grocery store almost every day, too, and I’m very careful about counting how many items I have before getting in the express lane. The express lanes at the Safeway where I usually go is actually “15 items or less” and when I get in the express lane I am always surprised at how often the person in front of me has 20 or more things.
The thing that gets me is the express lines that
- are not cash-only
- permit weighed items
Although 99% of the time that I shop, I buy fewer than 12 items, pay by credit card, and have mostly produce which needs to be weighed, I realize that this kind of defeats the purpose of the express line. My red peppers, bananas, bean sprouts, etc, combined with my Mastercard, probably take much longer to ring through than the 3 loaves of bread, 6 jugs of milk, 2 boxes of cereal, enormous bag of rice, box of popsicles, etc, etc, paid by cash.
But I don’t complain. At least my credit card is in my hand before the total appears on the screen.
I would advocate speaking up, but there’s one thing worse than the Express Lane Mobile Mini-Store, and that’s the Self-Appointed Grocery Nazi. (Betcha didn’t think this thread could be Godwinized, didja?)
Cite, you ask? Amusing anecdote, I reply.
My market has three self checkout stations. Let’s call them 1, 2, and 3, with 1 being closest to me. Last week when I went all three were being used, so I waited patiently. The guy at #2 was having problems, and was waiting – a long time – for assistance. The guy at #1 (SEGN) told him, in no uncertain terms, to go over to the manager’s station. The guy at #2 looked hesitant to not only leave his stuff unattended, but to follow orders from a complete stranger.
A minute later, SAGN made a move that appeared like he was done, so I made a slight motion in his direction. Realizing that I was wrong, I stopped. He looked up at me and practically shouted “Excuse me, I’m USING this station, so you’re just going to have to wait!” He then turned to #2 and shouted “Go get a manager! Go! Go!” while doing the full arm point.
During this exchange I looked away for a brief moment – I was probably rolling my eyes – and during that time, station #3 suddenly became open. I had just barely realized this, when SEGN yelled at me “You don’t have to stand here and harass me, go to station number three! It’s open. Now! And you at number two, Go. Get. A manager!”
I don’t exactly remember what I said under my breath, but I’m pretty sure it contained the words “hissy”, “fit”, and “asshat.”
Why do we have to have just one weedy little scanner on each checkout, anyway?
If stores really wanted you paid up and out of there quickly, there’d be a good dozen, megawatt-level scanners all arranged at different angles in a tunnel that you had to pass through on your way either into or out of the store. Kinda like a MRI scan, really. It’d be performed when you enter the store, and again when you leave.
“Ffwwzziiiitttt!” After you’re loaded up, you and your cart are subjected to a high-detail scan that finds out: what items you’ve got in your cart, what items you’ve attempted to hide upon your person, what items you’ve eaten in the store, whether all your clothes are the same ones you had on when you came in, whether your credit card is valid, whether you’re a known criminal who’s on the run, whether you’ve got a stomach ulcer and whether you should really nip back to aisle 3 for, um, tampons, toilet paper and $50 dollars of beef.
Goodbye, shoplifters - unless you want to do your shopping in an NBC suit, mirrored sunglasses and a tinfoil hat. Should be pretty easy to spot and intercept at the entrance.
If the SuperScan™ finds that you can’t pay for your goods, it’ll increase the wattage and you’ll likely find your sneakers melting and gluing you to the floor, or your spleen starting to bubble unpleasantly. Thieves will not only be prosecuted, they’ll be char-grilled as well.
In fact, with so much of our personal information already available to supermarket databases, all the scanner really needs to do is to check in the entrance whether or not you have a computer and an internet connection at home. If so, you should be doing your shopping on-line already. If not, the store will insist you buy a desktop & broadband system with your shopping, thus meaning that this is your last actual physical visit to the store anyway.
We have the technology to eliminate queues - we can build a SuperScan™.
It’s already been done. RFID will be scanning your thought waves shortly.
See, now this is where, even if I’d wimped out before, I’d incite the rest of the people in the line to riot against mr “girlie do your job”.