Extramarital affairs - who's responsible?

Great Debates
1

On another messageboard, I found this thread, and it got me thinking.

Are mistresses really complicit in their sugar daddy’s cheating? They are not responsible for Mister Cheater’s wife; he is. They weren’t the ones who stood up at the altar and promised to respect, love and honour Mrs. Cheater. They have no responsibility to her. Why should they have to police Mr. Cheater’s behaviour? Shouldn’t he be responsible for himself? To what extent can Miss Mistress be held accountable for the actions of an adult male who happens to have commitments that he chooses not not honour?

2

I meant “not to honour”.
Stupid “only moderators may edit posts”. :stuck_out_tongue:

3

Well I don’t know if this helps but here goes: (Btw, this is based on some articles I read last time I was in NC, that got me curious)

In North Carolina (I don’t know about elsewhere) you can sue the other woman/man under “alienation of affection” or that being this person knew the other was married but intentionally went out of their way to seduce Mr./Mrs. Cheater. From what I’ve gathered though, most of these laws were written before women had a right to vote, and the woman was considered “property” of the husband. :rolleyes:

That help you any?

4

Well, it’s not really very nice to enable, and even encourage, rotten behavior on the part of someone you profess to care about, is it? Even if you don’t care about him, it wouldn’t be very nice.

Yes, in the last analysis we’re all individually responsible for honoring our own commitments, but why reward someone for failing to do so? (Yes, of course, because you believed in him and thought that “this was different.” Oh, thanks a lot for reminding me of this… :))

5

Yes, they are complicit. They are active participants in the affair.

We are all responsible for taking care of each other. Isn’t that what the whole “I am not my brother’s keeper” thing about?

They should not have to police his behavior. But they shoudl also not encourage him to do something wrong.

Yes, he is responsible for his own actions. This does not excuse the actions of Miss Mistress.

Miss Mistress cannot be held accountable for Mr. Cheater’s behavior. But she can be held accountable for her own.
In answer to the question in the thread title: who’s responsible?

Both Mr. Cheater and Miss Mistress are both responsible–but for different things. Mr. Cheater is responsible for violating his wedding vows. Miss Mistress is responsible for knowingly doing something that will be hurtful to another human being.

6

Things in Texas apparently march to a different drummer.

A distant cousin, living in Texas, was in a bad marriage. He had a long term girlfriend; wife was spending hubby’s money as fast as he could make it. (Fortunately for him, he was quite good at making money.)

Anyway hubby and girlfriend have continued discussions about him divorcing wife and marrying girlfriend. Hubby approaches wife about divorce and realizes just how much money she would get in the settlement. When he tell girlfriend that he “can’t afford the divorce settlement” she takes out a pistol and puts a single round in the back of his head.

He falls over dead.
Wife gets everything.
Girlfriend spends not one night in jail. Not one.

7

Mr Cheater might be responsible for seeking a renewal in his enjoyment of life from an otherwise bland and unrewarding existence at home.

Miss Mistress might be responsible for helping him attain his dream and full potential in life.

8

/hijack

Just curios Southern Style, what was her defense, Ive heard Texas has aa allowable defense that basically amounts to: “He needed killing”

End hijack/

9

INTERPRETER: << Mr Cheater might be responsible for seeking a renewal in his enjoyment of life from an otherwise bland and unrewarding existence at home.

Miss Mistress might be responsible for helping him attain his dream and full potential in life. >>

Sorry, INT, I disagree. I disagree emphatically. What you’ve quoted is the most common rationale, of course. But that same rationale could also apply in other cases:

  • Miss Bank Robber says that the money that she steals will help her achieve financial security and a warm, comfortable home environment in a way that she never could with employment and taxes.

  • Mr Rape says he is seeking a renewal in his enjoyment of life from an otherwise bland and unrewarding existence on parole. Those screaming women, they really enjoyed it, deep down inside, you know.

  • Mr Serialkiller is proud that he is responsible for helping many sad and tormented young teenage runaways achieve escape from an otherwise dreary existence.

Pfui.

There are other ways for someone to “seek a renewal in his enjoyment of life from an otherwise bland and unrewarding existence at home” that don’t involve cheating, hurting another person’s feelings, and shattering the kids. There are RIGHT ways to get to that end, and there are WRONG ways, and let’s not pretend that the ends justify the means.

The right way may include some messiness, like divorce … but it happens BEFORE you hop into the sack with Miss Mistress, not AFTER.

Besides, the person who has cheated on his/her first spouse is unlikely to be faithful to the second spouse when THAT marriage becomes routine/stale. What I don’t understand is why Miss Mistress thinks that he’ll treat her any different than he treated his first wife.

10

Discounting rape (and we will discount that, since nobody calls rape victime “adulterers” for good reason), nobody makes a guy stick his penis into a woman or a woman spread her legs for someone other than her husband.

It is 100% the responsibility of the person who did the cheating.

If you want to end your marriage because of something your spouse does or does not do, there are a million ways to go about this which show more maturity and understanding of wedding vows than a fling.

See, FIRST you break up. THEN you fuck around. The other way around is, in my I’ve-been-throug-a-divorce-thank-you-very-much opinion, makes YOU the asshole no matter what drove you to it.

Oh, and before anyone calls me a hypocrite, I left my wife and told her and everyone around me that we were done before I started having sex with other people. The state of North Carolina makes you wait a year to make it “official” (damn puritains!), but we both would have signed up a long time before, and mentally, we did.

This is not cheating in the practical sense of the word. We split up. We were not acting married. We had every intention of not being married legally as soon as we could. And everyone I was with during this time knew my status.

Flame me if you think my opinion is wrong, but do not flame me for supposed hypocrisy. Cheating is not what I did. Cheating is, “Honey, what is this lipstick on your collar?” and “Honey, I came home early from work and… WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE BABY SITTER???”

Yer pal,
Satan

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11

By that logic, nobody whose spouse has ever cheated should ever, under any circumstances, take him/her back and work through the problems in the marriage. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is NOT true. People do change.

Affairs are complicated things. Suffice to say, people rarely cheat on a spouse because they’re mature, happy people who just happen to want to screw around. Chances are, the marriage has been bad for a LONG time, and an affair is a solution. A BAD solution (don’t get me wrong here!) but a solution nevertheless.

That said, I think yes, a mistress has to take some responsibility for her actions. No matter how needy Mr. Cheater is, if she knows she’s with a married guy she has to own up to the idea that she is hurting a marriage, a wife she probably has never met, and children who are completely innocent.

12

Yes, Ms. Mistress is responsible. That is, of course, assuming she knew Mr. Cheater was married.

There is a concept of facilitating an action.

If a person deliberately gave you bad advice in the stock market and you lost tons of money, wouldn’t you personally, hold that person somewhat responsible?

If a person knew you were furiously mad at someone and handed you a gun, wouldn’t you consider that person at least partially responsible for the murder that followed?

If a person told you that your boss didn’t want you to work Project A, and then your boss asked you for Project A and said that you should have had that done, wouldn’t you hold that person responsible for your boss being angry at you?

In all these cases, the other person actively facilitates a wrong that is being done. I don’t know if they could be held criminally (or even civilly) liable, but I know that I would hold these people at least partially responsible for what happens.

Zev Steinhardt

13

Both of your points are well taken; however, it is impossible to legislate matters of the heart and urges of the groin.

If it happens, it happens. Both the mistress/gigolo and the married individual are adult enough to ferret out any potential consequences, good or bad.

Life is too short. Enjoy!

14

To my mind, the only one responsible for cheating is the one who made a promise not to, i.e. the one in a supposedly commited relationship.

The other person made promises to no one. Not the other persons hands are clean. I still think this is scandalous behaviour. (which I, myself, have been guilty of in the past) But, IMHO, that sin is in another catgory.

15

“the marriage had probably been bad for a long time”???
Ok, so when my ex started an affair the same month we got married, just how do we define “long time”???

IMHO - if you have a sexual encounter with some one other than your SO while you’re in a committed relationship, you’re guilty of cheating. Actually agree w/Satan about the “we were separated and the state wouldn’t let us “BE” divorced for a year” arguement.

The person you’re with, IF THEY KNOW YOU’RE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, is also responsible.

I remember my ex, the louse, giving me a book about “cheaters” which claimed that the non cheating spouse was also “guilty”. Spare me. He cheated on me when I was thin, heavy, in between. when I worked the same schedule, a different schedule, didn’t work. when I was in the same town as him, or different town. had zero relationship to what I did. and 100% to do with his own issues. I don’t think he informed EVERYONE he cheated with that he was married. He ended up marrying one of them, and after THEY were divorced, she came to see me to apologize. Interesting conversation.

16

INTERP: << it is impossible to legislate matters of the heart and urges of the groin. >>

I’m not talking legislation, I’m talking self-control. And sorry, INTERP, I actively disagree again. If you’re saying that “matters of the heart and urges of the groin” should not be subject to self-control, then you’re also condoning rape and child-molesting – urges of the groin, aren’t they? And you’re also endorsing total lack of discretion (“Hey! I got an urge of the groin! The chick behind the counter is so gorgeous! Quick, lemme jerk off here in the checkout lane!”)

The mark of a human being rather than an animal is exactly the ability to control and regulate those animal instincts, those urges of the groin. That’s called civilization, IMHO. We set up moral imperatives or societal regulations that say that certain actions are appropriate and certain actions are NOT appropriate. Yes, the rules can change over time, but until/unless they do, there is RIGHT and there is WRONG. I’m not denying the existence of lots of shades of grey, but I am asserting that there’s black and white, too.

And to answer Athena, please note I didn’t say that it was impossible for a cheater to change. I said it was “unlikely.” And that I didn’t see what evidence Miss Mistress had that the cheater would change his ways for her… Oh, well, she has his promise and sworn word and heartfelt protestation, sure, but didn’t his wife also have that? signed and witnessed? promised in front of witnesses, not just whispered as pillow talk?

The guy reporting to me lies about why the project didn’t get done on time. I don’t trust him again. Couldn’t he have changed, repented, recanted? Sure, but I’d need some compelling evidence if I’m going to take his word for something in the future.

17

Extramarital affairs and the divorce/child custody cases that they cause are a very important part of our economy.

Without them, the divorce and family law attorney industry would implode.

18

Because this isn’t The Pit, I’ll simply respond to your posts by saying they are very Clintonesque. Ah, moral relativism. Innit great? No responsibilities beyond whatever momentary urge you may be feeling.

Satan, the only thing I disagree about with your opinion is the idea that the married cheater is solely responsible. If the partner in the affair has knowledge that the fling is indeed an affair, while they bear less of a burden of guilt than the cheater, they are not fully absolved, either.

I agree with Green Bean’s position. The cheater is responsible for defiling his or her marriage and reacting to marital problems in a dishonest, hurtful and immature way. The partner in the affair, if fully knowledgeable of the situation, is responsible for treating others in a way they surely wouldn’t wish to be treated.

19

Okay, I was thinking of just the role the other party in the marriage has (or lack thereof). I was reacting to the “she drove me to cheat” kind of talk you hear from a lot of cheaters, or “the marriage was over” mentality WITHOUT bothering to inform the other party the marriage is over.

As for the person they cheated with, I don’t think that person is completely innocent, but that person really bears a tiny fraction of the responsibility as the cheater IMHO. But they are certainly not innocent.

Yer pal,
Satan

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20

“It takes two to lie, Marge: One to lie, and one to listen!” – Homer Simpson