Extreme extreming.
Every day on the SDMB, I engage in Extreme Clicking and Typing.
I wanted to try Extreme Mediocrity, but I’m not sure if I’m good enough.
The one I’d really like to get into is Extreme Napping. I mean, talk about an exciting
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
I find all this extremely trying …
Well, someone had to try.
Extreme toilet sitting while reading 1970s era back issues of Popular Mechanics highlighting 1920s style “Death Rays.”
X-TREME Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show! Moved from Madison Square Garden to Winter Park, Colorado. Famous snowboarders play catch with Bichons, Great Danes base jump, and Soft-Coated Wheaten Terriers attempt to hump mountain lions. Song 2 by Blur plays in the background at all times.
X-TREME Chess! Like regular chess, only played in freefall while skydiving. Song 2 by Blur plays in the background at all times.
X-TREME Spelling Bee! Similar to a standard spelling bee, but performed while heading downhill on quadruple black diamond slopes at Whistler. The letter “Z” is always substituted for “S”. Song 2 by Blur plays in the background at all times.
X-TREME Cricket! Balls explode when they hit the ground after being batted. All players are from Summit County, Colorado. Instead of tea, players break for Red Bull and Mountain Dew. Song 2 by Blur plays in the background at all times.
Extreme Farting.
Loudest fart.
Longest fart.
Smelliest fart.
And it all comes down to the final fartoff.
“Welcome to the finals of Beano Extreme Farting Contest. I’m Dick Dorkus your host and with me is the 1997 Extreme Farting Contest champion, Fast Freddy Flatuence.”
“Yo”
“Our first contestant, a cabdriver from Trenton, New Jersey, Tommy Fluffbutt. Tommy the longest fart and took a strong second in smelly fart showdown, he should do well in this free form final, right Freddy?”
“Yeah, sure Dork.”
“That’s Dick Freddy. Tommy appoaches the pole and drops his trousers. He uses the hand over hand grip and takes a semi squatting position.”
PHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
“Oh, a loud but short fart. Tommy looks kind of disappointed. Let’s see what the judges give him. Ah, a 78 out of a possible 100. Too bad, Tommy will have to hope the other contestants have problems to win. Freddy?”
“Huh.”
“Okay, time for contestant number 2. A three time world champion, a tire tread checker from Akron, Ohio, Bruce Blowhard. Bruce won his championships in 1994, 95, and 98. He won the smelliest fart contest but did not do as well in the other disciplines. What will Bruce have to do to win another championship Freddy?”
“Let a long loud stinky fart Dork.”
“Uh, Dick. Bruce approaches the pole and drops his drawers. Whoa, and we see he is wearing his lucky never been washed shorts too. Bruce uses the interlocking finger grip and goes into a deep squat.”
Phhhhhtttttttttttttttwhooosh.
“Oh no, a wet fart, Bruce is disqualified. And judge Edna Stinkham took that right in the face. But she looks like she will be okay. Bruce looks extremely distraught. They say your sphinter is the first to go and it looks like Bruce’s is gone. Too bad.”
“I know how it feels. I never was the same after enema party in 01 Dork.”
“Thats Dick to you Freddy.”
“I saw you in the can, this” zzzzuuuutt “is a dick, Dick.”
“Jesus mother of cantalope, Freddy, put that away. Now up, our final contestant, from LePew, France, Jacque Debris. Jacque is a trash collector and he practices for farting competitions by outstinking garbage trucks. Jacque walks up and grabs the pole with his right hand. He drops his pants and oh my God, he’s going for a one handed grip.”
PHHHHHHHTTTTTTThhhhhhhhttttttttHHHHHHHHHttttthhtht toot.
“The crowd is going crazy. A three note blast with finishing toot. The judges have all given him a 10. He scores a perfect 100. We have seen history tonight folks.
“Mine was better in 97 Dork.”
Jacque Debris is the 2003 Extreme Farting Contest champion. He is now accepting the Golden Asshole. What a night, Freddy, any other intelligent thoughts tonight?”
“Yeah, tell your sister I’m sorry about last night but the stretch marks turned me off.”
Extreme Extremism. See if you can out ALF ALF, or similar organizations.
Extreme Deathsports. If you’re still alive after 5 seconds, you’re just not trying hard enough. Wussy.
Extreme Jenga just came out (seriously) and one of the big banks is offering extreme checking. Yeah, extremely retarded.
I was driving to work today and remembered that Extreme Watching Grass Grow would involves blades and bad seeds so maybe it wouldn’t be that boring.
d:r