As an introvert, what is most likely is that they are actually enjoying themselves. To an introvert, watching and listening and letting the extroverts do their thing is participating. I’m happy to go to a party and just watch and groove on the scene. What I hate about many parties is the expectation that I’m somehow obligated to take the stage and not doing so is perceived as some sort of snub.
I get into this conversation many times with Mrs G (an extrovert).
Mrs G: “Aren’t you happy? Why are you so quiet, aren’t you enjoying yourself?”
Me: “Of course I’m happy, great party”
Mrs G: “Then speak up more, people will think you’re unhappy”
Me: exasperated sigh
But, before I can talk, I have to think of something to say! And if you’re chattering away, filling the “awkward silences,” then by the time I’ve thought of something to say, the oppportunity to say it has passed.
Some people have to think before they can speak; others have to talk in order to think. The distinction may or may not be entirely along introvert/extrovert lines. But I know I’m the former way, which is part of why I have trouble with face-to-face conversation (as opposed to, say, a forum like this, where I can take as much time as I want to think of what to say before I respond), and why I am alternately envious of and annoyed with people who can just open their mouths and let the words flow.
Take me out of my home environment in ANY group environment and I am the life of the party, the guy telling stories, talking loud, sometimes annoying but always interesting.
Leave me alone or put me at home, and I am in a book, a videogame, or interacting with an immediate family member.
I hate the phone because I work on it. I am both an extrovert and an introvert.
I am giving you the longest pause I am capable of. Hurry up and think already! Seriously, as I said in the earlier post, I try to slow down and leave longer pauses for introverts.
I understand the extrovert angst, Brynda. My response is that I will help you as long as you help me so that we will both be happy.
If we’re on a long road trip together (like something work related), I will do my best to be a good conversationalist and I will let you do most of the talking, if that’s what you want. But do we have to talk the WHOLE way? The problem is that if you start talking, the polite thing to do is to talk back. But there is no polite way to tell someone to stop talking. My answers can become terser and terser, but the extrovert will just keep yapping away until I’m forced to be rude by tuning them out. There is no conventional “out” in such a situation.
That is the problem I am always facing. I am generally polite and do my best to accommodate the extrovert in my midst. But they never seem to do the same for me. Their discomfort becomes MY discomfort. I hate that.
My aunt is introverted, though she’s also a sociable, very affable person. As a kid, my very extroverted sister used to come visit for the summer since they are close in age. The moment Sis would walk in the door, it was “What are WE gonna do now?” My sister clearly wanted to be entertained constantly…she just could not entertain herself. Not even a little bit. Now maybe my aunt should have been prepared for this since she was being visited. But she told me that just as soon as my sister would arrive on her doorstep, my aunt would be ready for her to go. And I totally understand, because that kind of stuff DOES get old.
An introvert is annoying with their silences, I agree with this. But at least they don’t demand that the extrovert dance around like their puppet. They don’t care what the extrovert does as long as it doesn’t disturb them for as long as they need their “chill-out” time. That sounds more reasonable than expecting someone to talk to you against their will.
(Personally, I don’t really care if people judge me harshly while I’m tuning them out. Why should I? I’m judging them and they don’t seem to care!)
(Another*) Introvert here. Not shy in the least, just happier by myself. I did an MBA, and worked as a consultant for a while, so I had to develop the skill of interacting with people. This means that while I’m now decent at engaging with people and find it reasonably easy to do, I still don’t like doing it. Alcohol, though, makes it much easier to enjoy social gatherings. Hemingway? I drink to make other people more interesting?
*I suppose I should have expected that the dope would have more introverts
Seriously? Wow. Do you get that if you are part of a group, or worse yet, sitting with only one other person, you sitting quietly is not really participating in the social interaction?
In the situation I am envisioning (and have lived through many times), I am at dinner or with a smallish group, and at least a couple of people are not contributing to the conversation. It is uncomfortable to me if people just sit quietly in that sort of situation. If it is a large party, and you are on your own, do what you want. I was just trying to make the point that I think most introverts don’t understand, which is that your sitting quietly is not as benign as you probably think.
Oh, believe me, I know it’s not benign. In that kind of a situation, I’d be the guy sitting there, overwhelmed with frustration and misery, because I know I’m supposed to be saying something, but I don’t know what to say. And I know I’m a total drag to be around, and that’s why I was so lonely for so many years, but for whatever reason—something I never learned how to do, some skill I never gained, some innate lack or flaw—it’s just not something I can do.
There are lots of reasons they might not be contributing, very few of them related to being introverted.
They’re busy eating
They don’t feel good
They’re tired
The conversation doesn’t interest them
The conversation is about something they have strong feelings about and they don’t want to be rude and turn it into an argument
They can’t get a word in edgewise (I’m going to assume this isn’t the case you’re talking about though)
They can’t think of anything to say
Everything they think of is said by somebody else
They’re only there because their SO dragged them and this isn’t their scene or their crowd or whatever
etc.
Are they reacting in normal ways (nodding head, making normal amounts of eye contact, etc) or are they zoning everyone else out?
When I was younger I had the bad habit of reading during gatherings. I’ve gotten better about it, but at family stuff I sometimes still will. I’m often the one sitting quietly in a corner when I’m around people, either because I’m tired or I just have nothing to say (otherwise I’m the one making wise-ass comments meant as a joke and nothing more - which has gotten one overly sensitive thin-skinned person* mad at me several times in a night)
Not my judgement - everyone told me later that that was just how she was. And yes I apologized anyway.
why is this made out to be a bad thing? I’m “participating” in the interaction to the extent I feel comfortable. If that doesn’t meet your personal requirements, tough shit.
you know, sometimes plans change and we end up in places we weren’t anticipating. like the situation I was talking about in the other thread; I got invited to a hockey game (which I was perfectly happy to go to.) I did not expect to end up in a club afterwards. So I didn’t make the choice to go to the place that made me uncomfortable, and because I rode with someone else it was either try to tough it out as best I could (which means not adhering to your standards of “social interaction”) or ruining someone else’s night by insisting upon being taken home. So, classic “rock and a hard place.”
Sometimes we “sit there at social events looking around” because no one TALKS to us. To extroverted lifes of the party, we’re invisible, like furniture. (We aren’t necessarily unfriendly, yearning to go home and sit staring at our four walls!) When asked questions or opinions, I DO have things to say, but I don’t have the skill to barge in on a conversation in an interesting chipper tone of voice, thrilled to put in my two cents. I have a very quiet little girl voice and have to remember to raise it in conversation, otherwise some loudmouth introvert just talks right over me.
If there are places that you can’t stand being at, you need to drive yourself places or keep emergency cab fare on you so that you have an exit plan. Your social problems are your responsibility, and it’s not cool to lay them on someone else. Just like its not cool for me to pressure or guilt trip my introverted friends just because I am bored and lonely.
In any case, the old rule remains true. The more things that a person finds pleasant, the more likely people are to find them pleasant. The more things a person finds unpleasant, the more people are likely to find them unpleasant.
No, it’s not that at all. It’s just that in a lot of situations with extroverts, the only way to really make yourself heard is to talk louder and faster than the other people who are trying to talk at that particular moment, and quite frankly, 90% of my thoughts are just not worth that kind of effort. Also, sometimes, I’m counting your nose hairs and speculating on how you manage to talk for 3 minutes straight without ever inhaling, and expressing that sort of thought is generally frowned upon.
This is always my biggest struggle. Another poster described it well, that extroverts seem to require speaking aloud to process their thoughts, or can freely think ahead while speaking.
I find it difficult, if not impossible, to speak anything at all without composing my thoughts first. It isn’t much of a lag time, but enough that I usually miss the narrow needle of opportunity to jump into a pause break before some other speaker has done so.
Or, if I miss my window and hold my thought ready to speak it at the next window, the conversation thread has drifted and I find it awkwardly irrelevant to try and speak about a point that has already progressed elsewhere. So I don’t speak it, and try again later.
Brynda sees a stick-in-the-mud non-participant spoiling the party. In reality, I’m trying like all hell to participate but just can’t compete with the pace of the environment. Eventually, I give up and just tune out.
Seriously, as I said in the earlier post, I try to slow down and leave longer pauses for introverts.