I’m pretty sure that would be Carlos.
What’s worse than a failed pilot? A failed pilot based on reviving a show that was a failure to begin with. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
The Return of Desmond Pfeiffer: An African-American president discovers that the White House is haunted by the ghost of his ancestor, a man who was a butler to Abraham Lincoln. The ghost’s sage advice, drawing parallels between Civil War and contemporary issues, helps his Presidential descendant navigate the tricky political waters.
I’m very sorry. Lumpy, but I need to hunt you down and kill you now. Nothing personal.
How about “People we should ACTUALLY care about, who make a substantial contribution to society”–in which a Kardashian, Hilton, Lohan, or Spears family member interviews a real person who makes a difference in the lives of our communities–then admits that they aren’t worthy to tie this person’s shoes and goes out an gets a REAL job.
Iron Chef:Survivor: Two great shows come together when the person voted off the island is cooked and served to the rest of the castaways. The chef that comes up with the most creative dish wins. Everyone on the island gets eaten.
If they used Big Brother instead of Survivor I’d definitely watch! Stuff them on slop first, of course.
I got it! A loving family adopts a black, alien robot! Now, that’s orginal!
Law and Order-- Prostitution Sting Unit: Why yes, that is a nightstick in my pocket. Dun Dun.
Dancing on the Stars – Set in a Hollywood cemetery, contestants do their best to “cut a rug” on the graves of hasbeens. Music from the Big Band era mostly. Some Disco. And a touch of Lambada. Hosted by Dick Clark.
Upchuck: A computer geek with a bad stomach becomes a reluctant spy. And yes, he does end up throwing up on the bad guys to defeat them.
Law & Order: Agents Provocateur: A special task force of the NYPD infiltrates radical political groups left, right, and everywhere, and the undercover cops egg on their comrades to commit actual crimes for which they can be busted. This often leads to a high body count, but it’s all for the greater good.
Deadliest Couch – A group of slackers and stoners lie around in a crowded condo all day every day and night getting high and watching MTV while consuming mass quantities. Eventually, they all die. Last one alive gets the car and drives off into the sunset with Sandra Bernhard.
Deadliest Crotch: Young Jersey skanks compete to see who can get the largest collection of STDs
Moon Over Miami Vice – A gang of 50 aging seniors, all in tip-top physical condition from following the Jack LaLanne method and diets, gather on balconies surrounding the Miami Police Department Headquarters, and, at a signal from something resembling the Bat Signal searchlight, drop trou in the general direction of the cops, and at the stroke of midnight cut loose with one prolonged fart. The pilot itself features celebrities like Betty White and Regis Philbin.
Or “Officer Olivia Benson: The Early Years”.
In fact, that gives me an idea. Ho-Po’s: a squad of undercover policewomen doing the hated and resented task of prostitution stings, their male commanding officer nicknamed “The Pimp”, and their efforts to be respected within the department despite the snickering of their colleagues.
America’s Saddest Home Videos - The spinoff to its very long-running cousin. Tragic and heartbreaking clips of ordinary American lives are caught on film. See casket lowering ceremonies of teenagers killed in car accidents and divorce papers getting served to unsuspecting spouses plus much more.
Losers’ Lodgings – needs a catchier title, but I couldn’t think of one. The concept is to do a flipside view of the “Homes of the Rich and Famous” variety, only this one seeks out up-and-coming (or even well established) celebrities who live in dumps, hovels, fleabag motels, or even (a coup of reportage) under a bridge somewhere in the L.A. or NYC areas. Their dwelling would be given the same excessive oohing and aahing by the host, who should have the social graces of somebody like Ashton Kutcher or Paris Hilton.
Wonder Girls: anthology series, rotating stories weekly, of a group of women, best friends since college. One is a surgeon, one is a judge, one is a detective, one is a nuclear physicist, one is a psychiatrist…and, get this - they are all middle-aged, plain, a bit overweight, and frankly are just holding on till retirement. Not one of them is a blond, 90 lb. size 2 hottie who was the first in her class/youngest nuclear physicist etc. ever.
Yeah, a nightmare! But it could have comic overtones, sort of a Golden Girls vibe…
World Series of Bingo – What? You need a description?
Dating Cougars in the Dark: People in search of romance are locked in a dark room with a mountain lion. The results are both educational and entertaining.