In this thread, inertia references an article on a certain lady’s newly-gained experience and resulting advice on dealing with her hubbie.
A fair part of that advice can be summed up in one word- surrrender.
But, if one reads deeper, and in doing so, sees what else the lady author is saying, one sees that, like many people who write, or speak, or communicate in any way, that there is apparently a good deal she leaves out, either through simple inadvertant omission, or the assumption that her audience has the mental where-with-all to correctly make change for a dollar, and can fill in the blanks for themselves.
Basically, she says to stop treating your husband meanly, treat him nicer. Do some things that might stick in your craw. Say some things that might stick in your craw.
Not unlike an apology- those can be very hard to do, but if you can’t do them, you are that much less of a full, able-to-appreciate-life-for-it’s-goods-and-bads person- you are constrained by your own self-hurting pride.
And she, and others referenced in the article, say the rewards are tremendous, that the husband starts reciprocating!
To boot, the qualifier is added that there are men you don’t waste this technique on, because they will simply take advantage of you for it.
So, she’s saying, be nicer, if you’ve got a 1/2 decent man- take the initiative for building a better relationship. It pays off, he’ll start being nicer too, and the two of you start enjoying rewards that you maybe haven’t even had to date in your relationship, or haven’t experienced in a long time.
She doesn’t say be a total slave or submissive wallflower. She says to do some things that might be hard at first, and if you’ve got the right man, it’ll pay off and come back your way. She says to be nice, even when you don’t want to. Not all the time, but more often than you may have been inclined to and in more ways than you might have been inclined to, to date in a relationship. Basically, do some things for/to the person you supposedly love, that show you love him. And you will get it back for yourself. But pick your man, use some experience/intelligence in this matter.
(As an aside, I would think that one of the qualifiers for a good man would be that you ARE able to express your displeasure to/with him, and get into some really good fights with him, time to time. IMHO, this might be one of the things the article left out. Maybe even the book, but since I haven’t seen so far that anybody’s actually read the book while feeling free to put the author through the wringer, I can’t say for sure.)
There is mention made of the 12 steps. I am a veteran of the 12 steps. When I can follow them, or some part of them, my life gets better.
Fuckin bet I’ve learned to surrender. Imperfectly, I still have lots of that shitty, over-sensitive pride of the type that maintains every single instance of human-to-human strife in the world, but I do it as I can.
Does that mean giving up? Nope- it helps to achieve my goals, goals that I often don’t even know I had, because I was too busy trying to make damn sure you didn’t tread on my precious ego, or making sure that things were absolutely fair (or weighted in my favor) in life.
Many of the responses in this thread come from women, some from men.
The majority of them make me think of certain terms and concepts, none of which are flattering.
Oh-so-Hip, Oh-so-cool-Sardonic, Psuedo-intellectual, Shitty, Non-thinking, mass media-influenced, herd animal.
Some times I use the herd animal thing in affection or teasing or joking or as a non-perjorative descriptive to indicate the majority.
The two worst epithets I ever have are Non-thinking (for one’s self) and herd animal.
And I bet many of these repliers are the kind that go around saying that if we’d jsut elect a female president, by the goddess, all our troubles would be gone!
You fucking non-thinking herd animals.