When you were a teen, did your parents sit you down and set out acceptable behaviors? Have you had this conversation if you have teens?
No. I was taught by example and by clearly established set of expectations. There were occasional reminders if it looked like I forgot.
I’ve done the same with my kids.
I have no kids. Dad never had conversation with me. Seemed to go your dad’s route of modeling appropriate behavior.
No, my parents never did that. My parents spent a large portion of their marriage avoiding each other and more or less letting us kids figure things out for ourselves.
My family was involved in a religious culture which wasn’t big on having children with rebellious notions like personal boundaries, and my perceptions of abuse were quite skewed as it was commonly accepted that parents were SUPPOSED to beat their children, and husbands were encouraged to “physically reprimand” their wives in order to keep the relationships in their proper holy arrangement of tiered submission. Obviously I (and everyone else in the church) was against “abuse” - we just didn’t recognize what we were doing WAS abuse.
I figured things out on my own through high school and college, and although I was a fairly quick study, it took me a lot longer to figure things out than I’m proud of.
Have had teens (still have one). Did not have this conversation. Did not really think it needed to be said.
We all have short fuses but I think there was some mostly unspoken direction to take it out on things, not people (destroying your tennis racket is better than calling your opponent a [racial epithet] opportunistic moron, or jumping over the net and assaulting him), and best of all to take a long walk or a fast bike ride.
Suze, your paragraph doesn’t connect to you opening sentence. But I believe my father had same reasons for not having it with me, or my siblings AFAIK.
I’m female. My father had some discussion with me about how not to behave shamefully–meaning, not like a brazen slut. Nothing, ever, about expectations of the other side.
Parents, no, my parents were incompetent morons in every way. My grandparents, yes. My paternal grandfather believed any man that would hit a woman for any reason other than life being in danger was lower than dog feces. He use to say, “If your husband ever hits you, shoot him. I’ll hide the body.”
Zealot-Your grandpa was a keeper.
So how did you learn about what is acceptable behavior in relationships? Or are you saying that you don’t know what that behavior is?
I always hated getting the “never let a guy hit you” talk from my mom, considering she used to beat my sisters and I when I was growing up. Seemed pretty hypocritical.
My dad was an abusive alcoholic. I learned how women should not be treated because he made my mom, my sister, and I cry on a >weekly basis, and I never wanted to make anyone else feel that way. I received a few generic platitudes from my mom (make sure to get a man who will treat you right, never let a man hit you), but it sounded hypocritical coming from her. From a practical standpoint, she didn’t take her own advice until years later.
My parents never had an outright, explicit talk with me about relationships. Instead, I learned what was right and wrong over time by living with my parents and experiencing the dynamics of their relationship first-hand. By the time I was a teenager ready to date, the idea that I would have needed a “talk” about appropriate behavior as the man in a heterosexual relationship was sort of silly.
I guess I learned from the behavior my Dad modeled. Same as you.
Ahhh, I understand. I misunderstood your previous post (the one I quoted) for some reason (long day perhaps).
My dad told me three things about life in general: 1. On abuse: Some women LIKE to be treated that way. 2. On sexual assault: Women who claim they are raped are trying to hide an unwanted pregnancy or an STD. 3. On dating: You can date anyone you want as long as he is single and white. He’s a peach, my dad. He hasn’t spoken to me in 10 years or so.
My mom never talked about domestic abuse specifically, but she did have a strong backbone and didn’t take any shit from anyone. I can’t say I learned from her example until after I’d already gone through some hard times.
I have two grown sons and two teens. We talk about everything. And I do mean…everything.
My sister was 6 years older than me, and I quickly learned the consequences of hitting a girl, mano-a-mano. I knew what a full-nelson was before I knew what it was called.
There were no “family discussions”. If Dad was home, he did the talking – if he wasn’t, then Mom did the talking and there was no talking back.
My dad single-mindedly and protectively adored and respected my mother, and with that as an everyday visible model, nothing else ever needed to be said about it.
Ditto.