Brilliant! You don’t need our help, you can write 'em yourself!
One from my childhood that’s stuck in my mind:
Customer: Excuse me… I ordered my entree over half an hour ago. How much longer will it be?
Waiter: What did you order, sir?
Customer: The half of a roast chicken with mashed potatoes.
Waiter (goes to kitchen and returns): We are waiting for someone to order the other half. The cook can’t kill just half a chicken.
I can’t claim authorship of that one, much as I’d like to.
A waiter takes the drink order of a gentleman. The gentleman orders a half-a-bottle of beer. The waiter knows beer is only served by the bottle, not the half-bottle, but in the spirit of “the customer is always right,” he says nothing and goes off to the bar with the gentleman’s order. He takes a while at the bar, because he’s talking with the barman about something else. The gentleman gets curious–what’s taking so long? He gets up and heads for the bar, just in time to hear the waiter say, “Some people, y’know? Like, one idiot just ordered a half-a-bottle of beer!”
The gentleman “harrumphs” loudly.
The waiter, turning and seeing the gentleman, thinks fast and says, “And this gentleman would like the other half.”
In a restaurant, a guest ordered something with hollandaise sauce. The waiter said he was unsure if they had any, but he would ask the chef. The chef said sure, he could make hollandaise sauce, but he wouldn’t.
“Why?” asked the waiter.
“We don’t have the right kind of plates,” said the chef. “None are chrome-plated.”
“Huh?” asked the waiter.
The chef rolled his eyes. “Everybody knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”
Thank you, thank you. Hey, I’m in town all week. 
If you think the waiters are rude, you should see the manager.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, ‘What is this, some kind of joke?’
A proton enters a restaurant looking for a table. The hostess looks at the proton and points to a sign that says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no subatomic particles, no service’. The proton is clearly dejected as he really heard the food at this place was fantastic. Undaunted, he goes home and puts on a fake moustache and a wig. Returning to the restaurant, the same hostess gives the proton a keen look, eyeing him over and says ‘heyyyy, weren’t you that proton that was here earlier?’ The proton responds with ‘no, not at all.’ The waitress says, ‘are you sure?’ to which the proton replies with ‘I’m positive.’
In the same vein…
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender points out the sign that says “no ropes.”
Rope goes out, makes a noose of itself, pulls out a few strands for a really frizzy look, and heads back in.
Bartender looks at it and says “aren’t you the rope I just kicked outta here?” to which the rope relies, “no, I’m a frayed knot.”
Waiter: Shall I serve the shrimp first?
Patron: No, serve us both at the same time.
(From an old Blondie strip)
Jimmy Stewart says “Harvey, about time you got here!”
From the late '80s:
The President and Mrs. Reagan go to a fancy restaurant. The First Lady tells the waiter, “I’ll have the chicken soup to start, then the filet mignon, and a glass of mineral water. Make sure the water’s extremely cold.”
“Very good, madame. And for your vegetable?”
“Oh, he’ll have the same.”