I’m writing a dinner theatre script for a highschool drama group and I need jokes about food. Preferably corny ones (pardon the pun).
The play takes place in a new poorly run restaurant. Any presentable food/restaurant humour would be appreciated.
Note: I will use your material uncredited and unabashedly.
From Pulp Fiction:
Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him --(STAMPS on the ground)-- and says: catch up.
Smartalecpunk to patsy, during meal: “You like seafood?”
Patsy: “Yes.”
Smartalecpunk (opening mouth directly toward patsy to show unsightly half-chewed mouthful of food): “See food!?” [Smartalecpunk may point towards his open mouth to exaggerate concept for clarity to audience. Usually not necessary when doing this 4 inches from your sister’s face to gross her out.]
NOTES:
This is an action joke, you don’t tell it, you do it.
The question must be EXACTLY “You like seafood?” DO NOT add, delete, or change so much as a single syllable, or the whole language basis of the joke falls apart. Likewise, the punchline should simply be, “See food!?”, half exclaimed/half asked.
While not obscene or risque, it is vulgar. This may or may not be presentable for your purposes. If it fits in, enjoy.
A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender glares at him and says “we don’t SERVE food here!”
As said many times on this board…
Two sausages are in a frying pan. Sausage One turns to Sausage Two and says, “Man, it’s really starting to get hot in here!” Sausage Two goes, “Ahhhhhhh! Talking sausage!”
“Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?”
“Looks like the backstroke sir”
Ayund for my 200th post:
[in a resaurant; waiter brings the 1st course to the table]
Waiter, waiter! Your thumb is in my soup!
Oh that’s all right, sir, the soup’s not hot.
Four really old, lame food jokes:
Customer to Waiter: Do you serve crabs here?
Waiter to Customer: Sir, we serve anybody. What would you like?
Waiter to Customer: Sir, would you like your eggs turned over?
Customer to Waiter: Yes… to the Museum of Natural History!
Customer to Waiter: What do you have today?
Waiter to Customer: Well sir, I have pig’s feet, pickled calves, roasted tongue…
Customer to Waiter: I don’t care about your medical problems, just give me a hamburger and fries!
Waiter to Customer: How did you find your steak?
Customer to Waiter: I just moved the broccolli and looked under the mashed potatoes, and there it was!
And I can’t help but include this one, “sort of” about food (or at least, about ingesting things):
Patient: Doctor, I’ve just swallowed a roll of film! What should I do?
Doctor: Just wait a few days, and we’ll see what develops.
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
In other words, no. 
What’s purple and conquered the world?
Alexander the Grape
What’s white on the inside, red on the outside, and goes “putt, putt, putt”?
An outboard radish.
thanks folks! These are just the sort of things I am looking for. I knew I could count on the twisted humour of the Dopers.
“A good chili burns three times: in the mouth, in the bathroom, and in the sewage worker’s eyes.”
:rolleyes:
An epicure dining at Crewe
Found a very large roach in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too.”
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Don’t worry, sir. He won’t eat much.
The best bait for ice fishing is a can of peas. You open the can place peas around your ice hole and then wait. When the fish comes up to take a pea you grab him.
…and you won’t get any dessert until you eat every carrot and pea on your plate.
Customer to Waiter: “Sir, this salmon isn’t half as good as the salmon I had here last week.”
Waiter: “Can’t see why, Sir, it’s from the same fish.”
[disclaimer]
This is the sickest, most twisted joke I know. I don’t pretend to think it’s funny.
[/disclaimer]
Q. What’s the hardest part about eating vegetables?
A. Getting them out of the wheelchair!
surprised noone put up this really awful one:
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
Nach-yo cheese!
(this is the favourite joke of a friend of mine - she’s a pschy major. go figure)
Really bad reataurant:
I saw truckers coming out the door retching and throwing up
Waitress,why is your thumb in my soup?
W-The doc told me to keep it in something warm for my arthritis
Irate customer-So why don’t you shove it up your ass?
W-I do,when I’m in the kitchen
There’s a fly in my soup
W-No extra charge for the meat
The food’s so bad :
their pig’s feet have bunions
the restroom attendant quit because it was too close to the kitchen
their blue plate special meat is really blue
they only hire waitstaff with a sinus condition
their chef salads’ croutons look like the chef’s nail clippings
their crabs have 'em.